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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Childhooddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 193
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 647
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1139



    Description:
       Growing up in a household that was run by a music loving stoner, and a drunken stepfather, both of who had all kinds of interesting friends who partied late into the night, never seemed all that fun. But when I think back on it, I never realized I would miss those late nights so much.


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    dotsChildhooddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I yearn for the days of Dr. Hook and Tom Petty,
    When the house was full of fun and light.
    Rooms clouded with sweet smelling smoke,
    Different people there every night.
    I miss the days when a stereo would blare,
    Me, a twelve year old with a contact high.
    We would dance, not caring who watched,
    As we raised our eager hands to the sky.
    I miss falling asleep under the stars,
    Hung from my ceiling with fishing line.
    The breeze from the fan would make them dance
    And send cool shivers up my spine.
    I yearn for the days of beer runs and grilling out,
    Running from the smoke of the fire.
    We played in the river and I learned to dive.
    Seems like we never ever grew tired.
    I miss the smell of alcohol and marijuana,
    And good music floating through the air.
    We stayed up way past our bedtime,
    And no one was sober enough to care.
    I miss the days of old Hank and George Jones,
    When I was a little girl with a home.
    I dream of a past that never seemed so good,
    Until you're all alone.




    Submitted on 2005-10-12 09:54:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Oh, wonderful Raivn. I commented on this because, well, for one the title, and I was looking for something that wasn't about Tony. I just am not in a missed love sort of mood. Last night, though. I listened to that CD and I thought about everything. The everything involving Chris. But no no...that discussion is for another time, another message box thingy.
    I liked that this poem was so personal. It was about your childhood. I could see all of this in my head. An itty bitty Jaz and a Raivn dancing around on a contact high, with your arms reaching upward. I realize that i don't know much about your childhood at your house[rather then mine], so this gave me a great look into it. I could see it all...the river, the late night parting, [which we had a bit of when mom and dad still had friends.] Overall I loved the concept of this. Very good job.
    In the line, 'Seems like we never ever grew tired.' The insertion of the word 'ever' gives it all a sense of being young, of childishness.
    In this part. the use of the words rhyming with Jones are a bit too many and they seem to throw off the rhyme scheme a bit. But it still seems to work all the same.
    'I miss the days of old Hank and George Jones,
    When I was a little girl with a home.
    I dream of a past that never seemed so good,
    Until you're all alone.'
    I loved the concept of this poem. You displayed it beautifully, good job dear Raivn.
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by jessie thomas | [ Reply to This ]
      First thing, this poem had me in it. It's excellent.
    "I miss falling asleep under the stars,/Hung from my ceiling with fishing line."
    I thought that line was really great as well, I could see it in a way... A magical memory sort of. Probably because we had something similar, with the stars on the ceiling, but they were those stars that glow in the dark and have glue on the back so they can just be stuck there. In a way, the stars hanging from the ceiling on fishing line seems much more beautiful, and it just puts a sparkle in my mind. At least I hope that's what those two lines meant.
    And the last two lines as well, "I dream of a past that never seemed so good,/Until you're all alone", that is a really great bit as well, longing is most noticeable in these two lines, more than any of the others.
    "Running from the smoke of the fire./We played in the river and I learned to dive./Seems like we never ever grew tired." The rhyme is there, but it's not an exact rhyme. While I don't think poetry necessarily has to have a rhyme scheme, this poem has an obvious one, and you stick close to it except in that part and one other which I'll menton after a suggestion. Change the third line I mentioned there "Seems like..." just use the word "tire" instead of "tired", remove "grew", and put "would" right after "we". It's just a thought on how to have that line rhyme in the same way the rest of the poem's scheme does.
    The other not-so-exact rhyme would be, "George Jones" and "alone", but I find it understandable, it's rather difficult to change a person's name, so I don't see much of a problem.
    But overall, this is one of my favorites.
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree with smlaw it is a brilliant write
    able to reflect on our childhood is a gift

    notice that you did not talk about any of the negatives that brought you down in life
    you just reiterated the positive

    i too always look to my youth for inspiration
    it helps me to grow

    i miss the days of old hank and george jones
    when i was a little girl with a home

    very poewerful lines
    if these lines reflect your current status dont worry
    i can tell from your write that you are to positive of a person to let it bring you down
    oh one more thing
    those days as a child are still right there in your head they are still there so when you long for the days of yesterday just go back in thought and your right there
    Take Care

    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      once again, another great write! all tose images that you shared from your childhood came out so clear, and it made me feel like i was write there in your house at the party, or down at the river, just watching the events unfold. i only hope that as i a little older and start to move away and start my own life, i can look at my childhood and have as many great and vivid memories as you do!

    ~smlaw
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by smlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      so very spiffy
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]


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