ok this is the second piece i've read and i love it your not all dark and not all happy either...your a funny realist. i love your view points on life, they seem to be...really goofy. i bet your real crazy with oyur friends...
You suckas have no sense of rhythm. The rhythm's fine, Trini. Boy, is it funny. me typing on the computer. commenting on something of yours, while you're standing there just in the other room. I might as well tell you to your face. but I need to get my percentage up.
Anyway. this is one of your best poems, ok? Wait, I can't say that...how about, it's one of your least wretched? That's more comfortable.
i like every single line in here. especially the not-all-there sauce. however i think that the third stanza neds to become the third and fourth stanzas. it's a very nice play on words that "she's in denial/ no one's there/ to pick up the phone" but it's just kind of awkward. the piece needs a little bit more meat to it here just to make the transition from one though to another a little smoother. also the end seems... dissapointing. it's the same as the beginning. we know she's a little titlted/hazy... it needs some sort of conclusion.
like i said, every line is great, and i love the darkly comedic feel this has to it. but... it could be so much more.
Wierd? You nailed that. Poetic? In a sense, since poets have what is called poetic license, the freedom to write what they feel. I don't judge pieces by that, I judge by the emotion in the piece I sense. I see none here.
this was a fun read, and it's so awesome because i can totally relate... in fact, i kinda feel like that right now... i'm at work so, umm... wait, what was i supposed to be doing? *sigh* oh well, love the poem,
Kind of like when you first wake up in a house you have only been to that night, you can't figure out where you are, you kind of freak out a little, then your mind catches up to speed and you realize that you had spent the night with your friend and it was only the first time, so I was like waking up in a strange house...yeah, that's fun...or when you wake up in your field, didn't drink OR smoke anything the night before, yet you have NO IDEA how you got there...yeah, that right there ain't fun at all...My dog scared the SHlT out of me...but alas...that has nothing to do with your poem...but oh well, at least it will entertain you until you find out I am a complete psycho and that was just a dream I had...NICELYDONEIHADFUNREADINGIT!
haha. I think you stuck it in the right category. This is an odd little poem. It seems like you were in a wierd mood, and just sort of knocked this out of your ear...
The whole thing made me chuckle, especially the first 2 stanzas. It makes sense to me, in a not-trying-to-hard-to-make-sence fashion. Hmm... yeah.
What kind of shape WERE you in when you in when you wrote this? High? Hung over? Sleep deprived? Heheh - normal state of mind? Anyway, as I've only read this and your "Land of Doopia" thing, I'm highly confused and very intreged to read more of your work...
The first two stanzas are prety tasty, then it falls apart and reads like you wrote the ryme sceme and just moved words around till it sorta fit. Edit it, care less about the ryme and I think theres a pretty juicy nugget in there