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trusted you once before


Author: bosse22
ASL Info:    22/m/maine
Elite Ratio:    5.2 - 22 /25 /5
Words: 162
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 707
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1041



Description:


not trying to sound conceited or anything, but as of yet, from the small pieces of insight i have recieved from all the kind and helpful, not to mention talented people who commented on my previous poems, i think that so far, this may be my better piece.
i'd love to hear anything you have to say about it, let me know what you think, how you potray it, and what you think it means, as well as any helpfull advice. everything i write has a story behind the piece, and an emotional significance. pm me and i'll be more than happy to explain more, thank you for your time


trusted you once before



Maturing from my youth is,
starting to seem useless
This torn soul refuses, to go on living properly
i slipped away
watch me slip
again two-day
i know you well enough to say
you took my heart, and threw it away
i know you lied
god knows you've lied
you no i trusted you once before.
want to sea the colors of
this broken world we live in
three days past eternity
these clouds are always going to be grey
i tied one end of the thread
now push in the needle
i'm just a boy who's in too deep
this isn't real
you were my everything
i cannot make this real
deeper in you shove the needle
blood stains these hands
and everything grasped on to buy them.
hid behind our little sins
our little sins again
i tied one end of the thread
now i can begin blaming you
you've learned no lessons
and forgot the shit you never knew




Submitted on 2005-10-12 15:14:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Yes this is one of your best, but not better then the one about the dark road. You have improved. I liked this. I personally would fix the typos. I would also suggest that you work on connecting metaphors to make them one and using imagery to say what you feel in connection with your work, not just typed in, almost as a after thought. Take your time and focus on each line, making the poem whole. You had some nice lines, and your flow was good. Overall, this was good, but could be better.
| Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this because it reverberates with emotion. It sizzles with this electrical anger just beneath the words that make them glow. Even the mispellings seem to work well in it, because it is raw emotion, it shouldn't be buffed or polished or shaped... it should be allowed to crack like a lightning burst with all those after-flashes against the clouds of words. The words live. I really like this.
| Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]
  interesting piece.
i like the way the wrote it. the veiw that you had of it all.
this is a popular subject but your form & insite was much different in this.
it held alot of feeling.
each stanza brought a whole new emotion. all of leading to some kind of pain.
pain is apart of this world & i hate to see how much it truly rips people apart.

'hid behind our little sins
our little sins again
i tied one end of the thread
now i can begin blaming you
you've learned no lessons
and forgot the [censored] you never knew'

the end was my favorite part by far.
very creative & true.
i really like how you said that we hid behind out little sins, our little sins again.
it just rung out to me. it happens all the time.
i enjoyed reading this, you have talent to say the least. just keep writting & strive to get better, you seem to want it alot, thats how i know you'll get it
~jenn
| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
  your getting alot better, even in just this short time from your first poem, it is so great to see people that can be receptive to change, and this demonstrates that you truly are receptive, and as far as I am concerned that will probably carry over to your life.
I love the metaphor of the thread and needle, especialy with the knot tied at the end, it was so visual, and added another dimension to you poetry. The emotions are very rare and seem to stab even the reader, I feel your pain, even tough I never had this experience, you have a way of using your emotions in a constructive way to get the message across. To me you seem like such a great person and it is quite a shame that such a horrible thing happened to such a good person. But then again that's how this world works, and I am so sorry you had to experience that. I will write to you later with other comments, answering what you wrote me, but my only suggestion right now is expand on the metaphors, even exagerate them your fist write, mix up word order, you can always edit afterward, but never stop to edit while you are writing, it inturrupts the creative process. I'll write soon.
much love
kaity
| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]


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