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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Urban Coyotedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ConScribe
    ASL Info:    19/M/Tucson,AZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.11 - 262/360/143
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1008
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 588



    Description:
       I see one nearly everyday, and they always look so sad.

    *This is the second time I posted this because the first time I never got a single reply and I wanted some ideas from this peice in particular.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUrban Coyotedots
    -------------------------------------------


    With his paws on the pavement
    he is so docile and lame.
    There's a wild side to every town,
    however nature here is tame.

    The mild glow of the city lights
    marks the moon's frontier close to here
    so that the coyote puts on his idle coat
    to become one with the crowd and disappear.

    Howl if he like, nothing has changed,
    nature won't call back to those no longer deranged.
    The buzz of a metropolis can feel so wrong,
    though its not the coyote, but the city that doesn't belong.




    Submitted on 2005-10-12 17:47:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think you should change the last line to read :

    "though it isn't they coyote, but the city that doesn't belong."

    Also did you intend for the internal rhyme in the line "marks the moon's frontier close to here"? If you didn't "border" or "borders" would work fine and eliminate the internal rhyme.

    "changed / deranged" seems kind of forced. I was going to suggest using the slant rhyme "tame" such as "nature won't call back to one so tame" but you've already used tame, so it's not the best suggestion.

    Other than that, nice work.
    | Posted on 2006-04-15 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good indeed. It has a nice feel to it, sad and expressive. The rhyming took alot out of it for me though. I think you could have said alot more if you did'nt do it but in the end its still an excellent write. I like the opening alot "With his paws on the pavement he is so docile and lame." It sets the mood nicely. Another thing, I two hate not being commented on and I find it hard to imagine that a simple yet intellectual poem such as this would not be commented on, commenting is'nt exactly rocket science...

    - Sethesin
    | Posted on 2005-10-17 00:00:00 | by Sethesin | [ Reply to This ]
      It is a good way to sum up the conflicts of urbanism versus nature, and I htink you expressed it all quite accurately.

    I particularly liked

    There's a wild side to every town,
    however nature here is tame.

    and

    The buzz of a metropolis can feel so wrong,
    though its not the coyote, but the city that doesn't belong.

    The only thing that bugged me was the rhyming. I've read a few things of yours and I think they all rhymed. Its hard to express why I don't like the rhyming here. Maybe I am just not into the forced wording of it. I kind of appears like a whimsical device when all the syllables are irregular, almost something childish, which doesn't suit the poem's theme at all.

    take care
    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]


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