She iced her eyes
hoping to see through the swelling,
forget the yelling.
Rebelling against what her heart
was telling her.
She had forgotten to buy the bread he said he liked. This time.
Last Time, she had sneezed three times in a row.
and he had kneed her.
asked her, "Why you slow?"
Each time he came back,
after each attack
Sorry, baby,". "I didn't mean it"
and her favorite
He kept the local florist in business.
She learned that a bag of frozen peas, worked
reduce the swelling.
| This captured moments like that very well. My best friend went through some major stuff like this, a little worse, but generally, it all sucks. To write about something that you haven't experienced and to do it well, is a talent in my experience. I think this is very good.||| Posted on 2006-06-14 00:00:00 | by .:eVe:. | [ Reply to This ] || totally impressed. yeah, there's an air of coldness in your words here, an emotional detachment that serves to magnify the darkness of the subject matter. you've done an amazing job here. a couple of housekeeping ideas...maybe get rid of the comma in line 6. and in the third from last line i think it's supposed to be "bag" and not "bad". other than that, i think your words are exquisite.||| Posted on 2005-10-24 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ] || Writing things in the first person about experiences that aren't your own - sounds incredibly difficult to pull off- easier to wtrite of your own experience, or even your own experience of other's experience. There are lots of great poets who merely wrote of their lives, even though they walked the same way to work every day of their lives. IN other words a valuable quality is to honestly perceive your surroundings, and that integrity will carry more substance for yourself and others more so than a fictional attempt to launch in to something provacative, bizzare or outstanding (although the poetic license is there - lol)|
When I read this it appeared to use language that was a bit stale, but I thought it was someone's attempt to deal with an issue - I probably wouldn't have commented at all unless I read your comment down the line
|| Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ] || This is so sad - it almost brings tears to my eyes because I have known quite a few people that have dealt with this, myself included, and I know how scary it can be!||| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by psycho_1 | [ Reply to This ] || to anyone about to comment.. this is not a personaly piece.. it;s not about me.. or anyone that I know personally.. im trying to write a book and I like to explore trails and tribulations that ppl face and try to understand from a 1st person point of view.||| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ] || beautifully written, painfully emotional. i do hope this is not about you. My heart is like beating so fast from reading this. When you can check out my poem "darkness" and tell me your thoughs on it. You are obviously very good at capturing emotions.||| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by PinkFairy | [ Reply to This ] || This is so troubling a subject to write about. I sincerely hope it isn't about you. The piece has such emotion in it, it seems to defy the need for critique. Troubling read, but absolutly poingnant, and brought off well.|
|| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by BenCollier | [ Reply to This ] |