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    dots Submission Name: Sensorydots

    Author: Tissue
    ASL Info:    17/Male/New York
    Elite Ratio:    5.06 - 80/87/33
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 867
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 669

       Looking back on this, it's a little cheesy. This is about eight months old as is.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Snow's in the air, and shine all-around,
    Kissing my cheek, tender and meek,
    Making their way to shivery ground.
    I feel warm.

    Life's in the sky, blending all-in-one,
    Soothing my soul in rhapsody's call,
    Making the pities of life undone.
    I feel fulfilled.

    Death creeps about, whispering my name,
    Kissing my cheek, tender and meek,
    Spinning me forth in sickening game.
    I feel cold.

    Darkness abounds, swallowing rev'rie,
    Soothing my soul in rhapsody's call,
    Embracing my life in tortury.
    I feel nothing.

    Submitted on 2005-10-12 19:45:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i agree that is in deed very interesting. a little hard to follow for me, but then again peoples emotions are hard to follow. a little bit more of a flow is the only suggestion i would make. keep up the good work, i look forward to reading more of your work.
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by angel_eyes9701 | [ Reply to This ]
      Seems to be all about the sudden feeling of winter's appearance, but it kind of reads like a bus ride to no where.

    What I mean to say is that nothing is added. The sky is blue. I feel happy, then I feel sad, now I am cold and then I'm warm. Got to agree with expiring touch.

    But not to totally burst your bubble, descriptions are a good way to start something in poetry. Also enables us to focus our minds. Lots of great poems are written by people who walk the same way to work every day. You don't require any exotic experience just the ability to honestly perceive your surroundings.

    You must have had some good intention to post this but as it is it stands invisible. Maybe try clarifying your environment or clarifying your thoughts. Be kind. These few words you give us are all we have got -lol
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]
      very interesting. contrast is a nice way to build your poem around. the way you repeat the lines and the way the mood shifts makes a good reading.

    but THIS contrast of life-death is cliché, and i'm afraid you didn't make me see it from a new point of view.

    i also have doubts about the last stanza. When your life's a torture you feel nothing??
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by expiring_touch | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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