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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Children's Nightmaredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PsychoBabble214
    ASL Info:    18/female
    Elite Ratio:    4.52 - 103/109/29
    Words: 183
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1925
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1276



    Description:
       tis redone! and better then ever!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChildren's Nightmaredots
    -------------------------------------------


    Razor blade ice cream
    And blood berry sweets
    Poison flavored lollies
    Good enough to eat

    Dip the cherries in toxin
    Everlasting silence drips
    Your drug is desirable
    Just as unknown sensuous lips

    Candy ruins your body
    Lies rot your brain
    Infection brings the end
    Love brings you pain

    Dream of cupcakes and milkshakes
    My little tainted one
    Sugar and spice dance in your head
    Already the web is spun

    It's too late to know
    When you eat you die
    Desire is your end
    Sweetness and homicide

    How were you or I to know,
    That the ice-cream makes you bleed
    Oh, but thatís the prize inside
    Razor blades for all your needs

    Try the blood-pops,
    Or even the acid laced tea
    my flesh is the sugar you crave
    are you aware youíre eating me?

    Who has taken my skin,
    To create your intoxication?
    Little child, do you have the will,
    to resist temptation?

    Secretion covered chocolate
    cookies that will cut you wide
    you couldnít resist, couldnít hold back
    Youíre my dinner, Iím your suicide




    Submitted on 2005-10-12 22:17:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is terrifying. Could I say more?

    As I was reading this, I was trying to figure out if it was truly about candy, or something deeper. (It's crazy what some people post.) I realized about halfway through that it obviously has a much deeper meaning. Perhaps you are saying how delicious, lovely things in life are bad and in the end will ruin all. Everything good will ultimately lead to something horribly bad. Then, at the end, I thought, maybe that is like the answer to a riddle, and this poem is about suicide. The sweet illusion it offers to someone who is suffering, like the candy and sweets that are consumed to make someone feel better. But I started thinking, maybe it is something even deeper than that. Or maybe you want it to mean whatever the reader sees it to mean. But it would be very interesting to know what you wrote this to mean. There's always something in the subconcious that lends to what comes out on paper. This piece is very different than anything I have seen on this site thus far. Awesome write.

    -Cari
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by prettybaby | [ Reply to This ]
      The wording was enchanting, and the theme fascinating. This piece really got me thinking. I read it over and over and over trying to pluck out the smallest details. Although after reading it so many times I came to admire even more the imagery and depth of phrases and words you'd used, the theme was still a mystery. This poem could mean a million things to each individual person.

    At first, I thought it was about a world of your imagination in which everything is poisonous. Then I went on to think that you were describing our world, and it's disadvantages. But by the end of the poem all conclusions were destroyed, because it couldn't be one of those.

    I'm at a total loss. In the last five minutes so many theories have come across my head with regards to this poem that I could use to write a thousand others. None of them seem to quite fit, though. I believe that there is a much deeper meaning to this piece, but I cannot put my hands on it. It wasn't unclear, it was just very very deep.

    I'll just go on to say that I loved the verse:
    "Candy ruins your body
    Lies rot your brain
    Infection brings the end
    Love brings you pain"

    and the ending. Extremely interesting. A brilliantly intriguing piece, I'd love to know what went through your mind when you wrote it.
    | Posted on 2005-11-10 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ohhh Kat. This is awesome. You have a sadistic sort of sarcasm, you know that? I love the lines:

    "Dream of cupcakes and milkshakes
    My little tainted one"

    "Razor blade ice cream" is also a brilliant opening line, in fact I think the entire first stanza is perfect. The next two stanzas just suffer rythmically a tad.

    Now... on to the theme. This is where it gets a little confusing for me. I think your trying to say more than one thing in this poem, which sometimes makes things conveluted.

    I think mostly, this piece is about masks we where, and the "sugar coating" we sometimes use to cover up the truth. Am I right? Maybe you fell in love with someone you was too good to be true, but you allowed yourself to trust him anyway. The lines

    "Your drug is desirable
    Just as unknown sensuous lips"

    brought me to this (perhaps completely false) conclusion.

    You also talk alot about innocence and the influence of society on the young and naive. When many of us were little kids, our parents tried to hide the world from us, giving us the impression that the world revolves around them. Also, things like love are broken down to very simple stereotypes.

    You last three stanza have, I think, yet another theme. I don't have it yet though... hmm... nope, don't get it. Maybe your talking about how we're all linked, and all trapped in the the same f&@$ed up situation, but I'm not sure. Or perhaps, it is that you feel trapped in the image you present to those who look up to you.

    I think I may of gone off the deep end, but if you find the time, please enlighten me!

    See ya later,
    you sicko...

    Sam

    I'm going to have to read it one more time before I go...

    Yup, still highly disturbing. Well done.
    | Posted on 2005-10-15 00:00:00 | by Ratboy | [ Reply to This ]
      I LOVED THIS. Right off, let me just say you had me at 'razor blade ice cream.'

    i liked the length. perfect.

    i liked the pace.

    i loved the contrast. sweet and bilious.

    reminded me of Hansel and Gretel and it kind of made me laugh, no i'm not sick like that, just little kids and their candy - its like the dearest thing in the world to them. i remember when i was like 5 i used to think, 'when i grow up i'm going to buy myself tons of candy.'

    you use a lot of words and a few themes in here that i like to use in my poems, so maybe that's why i like it so much.

    'Your drug is desirable
    Just as unknown sensuous lips'

    and that line was very appealing to me, not sure why.

    then at the end of the poem i thought about diabetes. lol.

    Major props.
    | Posted on 2005-10-15 00:00:00 | by Astarael | [ Reply to This ]
      a very dark poem but yet beautiful
    are you reflecting on your life growing up

    its sad really like i said a million times why people cant be accepted for who and what they are

    you keep writting you have a message to get out and with powerful posts like this your doing it


    by the way your mom sounds just like mine

    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-10-15 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      see what I mean about the 1 big zinger-----eating me---yeah bthgat's exactly what I am talking about!!! Now this is a damn creative ands worth while I think to make it your feature...I mean if ya don't mind people thinking you are nutz like me.......It only feels weird at first but then like most things it just starts to come naturally---be nutz
    like me
    Lamemansterms
    | Posted on 2005-10-15 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      ok im back a second time here. and i must say you did an outstanding job fixing this up. all the spelling looks good. i understand the last stanza alot better now. you imagery is top notch and whew this is a very scary poem but its very good for the season and im glad you have done such a fine job here. you get a for revision. take care and be very happy!,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      Not a bad poem here. It is a dark one with a very good theme but I think you could be more creative with your word choice. I think poison is used too much here and this poem would benefit from some different words to describe poison. A few spelling errors noted and in the first stanza I think 'flavor' should be 'flavored'. Overall, this has great potential. A little more creativity with your words would improve this poem greatly. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      ok im a little lost on the ending part "They have taken my flesh To create your captivating sweets Ask no questions, get no answers
    Am I good enough to eat?" who is spoken of there? the word "homiside" should be "homicide" ok lets see hmmm "Candy ruins your body, Lies rot your brain, Poison brings the end Love brings you pain" well i agree with most of that. some times, what would seem like great things, have that tendency to be bad for a person. that could be sweets and any other thing to a large degree could be dangerous to a person. especially in the realm of love and when love is too much and it can make one mad or freak out. it is a sickly poem though very good in that area of the macabre but there are some things i cannot grasp in it especially the last stanza. nice job goes well with the season,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      this was ok, I ythink ya really could have went big with it though. I am not just sure how at the moment but you definately inspired me to write something similar for Halloween,and Homicide is spelled like this--I think since it is one of those pieces I would go back over it and add a couple or at least one real good zinger if you know what I mean...something that just makes the readers head spin and say wtf is this...what is she saying--she canyt say that --or just make them sick ---I know by reading this muchfrom you that it is inside you somewhere cause you definately grazed the surface of a real good one....No feature YET
    lamemansterms
    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, that was weird... Very desciptive and odd... But I like it... It may be a little graphic and all, but it's well written...
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by HeavensDeceit | [ Reply to This ]


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