I thought you cared
You used to talk
But now you turn your shoulder on what I have to say
We used to laugh
But now there’s silence
An emptiness that won’t go away
What happened to us?
Why did things go this way?
Why do you seem uncomfortable when ever I’m around?
I’m calling for you
But there’s no return
It hurts me, like I’m being pushed to the ground
I don’t want to lose you
Why can’t you reply?
Don’t you know I care and want you to be alright?
But now there’s no response
And I can’t do a thing
I can’t reach out to you after what happened tonight.
| Yay! A new one! I should talk.. I haven't posted since may. But I'm glad you found another way to let off some steam.. and I know it's hard to put it where everyone can see it. Ok, poem time..|
So my pet peeve. Fix the "i"s and any other mistakes.. description too. Iif you go into account then you can click edit a submission and change things if you want. The first couple ones I submitted it felt like people were going bash-happy so I'll try not to do that.
Ok. On to the actual write... your format is weird. But I like it. It's different and interesting, and I think it works well. Title.. I like a lot. That last stanza was my favorite and the title suits the poem. Argh.. just capitalize the "t"! Haha. Sorry. Can't help it. First stanza.. good intro. Change you to we? Second stanza.. maybe take out just. Third stanza.. whenever is one word. Fourth stanza.. change for to to.. makes you seem more like you need the person. Fifth stanza.. change I don’t want you to leave to I don't want to lose you? Sixth stanza.. excellent conclusion.
So those are just little things.. content now. I really like it. You did an awesome job putting this [horrible] feeling into words.. and anyone can understand what you're talking about. Especially me. I'd like to hear more about this when I get back.. I'll be calling you. Argh, I've been trying to look at this since you posted it and today was the first day it finally let me on!
Ok. Anyway. Other than the nit-picky stuff up there I reeeally like it. It's not not very good! lol.. : D but I'm serious. This IS good.. really good. Possibly even a fave after you fix the *twitch* little *twitch* misTAKES! *twitch.. heheh. Sorry, I get really off-task when I comment stuff.
As far as any suggestions other than wording, which is really no big deal at all, I can't say that I have any! Keep writing.. it helps a lot if you can just figure things out enough to get them into words. That's my problem. lol. But you should know that you did a really great job. See you soon!
And you know I'm always here for you, right?
|| Posted on 2005-10-16 00:00:00 | by sunnyrain | [ Reply to This ] || Okay, one question- What happened 'tonight'? Or is that just an abstraction? Ehh. Better than your first one, but it's so cliché. Well, I should talk, I write about this stuff all the time. But still. It IS good, was it just a spur of the moment poem where you had a brain surge and wrote it all down in, like, thirty seconds, or was it one of those things you work on for a few days? If it's a guy, then go and tell him how you feel. Corny advice, but whatever. |
Now for actually talking about your POEM. Weird style and format, but unique. In the first stanza, you might care to take out the 'now' so it flows better. Second, take out 'just', maybe? Good poems don't come from lots of words, it comes from lots of feeling in a few words. Third- I like the questions, but 'when ever' should be 'whenever'. Fourth- good. Fifth- you should make the first line a question, to match the third stanza. Sixth- Good ending. And ahh, I have to go, but see ya around at school, and good job on FiNALLY writing another poem!
|| Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ] |