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On The Roadside.

Author: Jinxed
ASL Info:    18/f/az
Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 23 /21 /14
Words: 104
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 958
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 698


This is an edited poem. I don't believe in one draft only I guess.
I used the mirrors for a symbol. A girl is at a diner on the side of a road. She is my favorite character. Please please please tear me apart.

On The Roadside.

Red lipstick on a coffee mug
when her lips are clear
she looks outside to semi trucks
back to her mirror

Women take her order
aged by fifty years
her dreams haven't dried up
Theirs had ended here.

The rain isn't lifting.
Cars aren't in the clear
Trying to find the road
in a rear view mirror.

look down at the map
left here right there
take the cup of coffee
wipe the lipstick smear.

She takes her year old coffee.
The rain, finally clear.
there is no need to worry
into that rearview mirror.

Submitted on 2005-10-12 23:57:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Ok, why the periods at the end of every line? They're not needed - in fact, it's really distracting. Too many periods make a piece 'mechanical' and 'clunking' when read out. That's just me though.

The second line didn't make much sense to me -
'When shes wearing clear.'
- what do you mean by that? Do you mean 'which' to tie in with your first line? Grammatically it doesn't tie in otherwise.

You also have inconsistent use of caps/non-caps. Stick to one format. Either cap every start to a sentence or cap every start to a line... or have no caps at all. Inconsistency distracts a reader. And look out for punctuation like "she's", "semi-trucks" and "their's"... just little things that will tidy any piece up.

You wanted me to rip this apart. I'm being gentle. I think that you could expand upon this theme of mirrors and this woman in a diner. As it is, it's a bit too simple and straightforward - expand then compress after ditching unnecessary components.

I hope this helps.

| Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  The format was...meh. I didn't dig it so much. But I liked the sorta dual story line you had going. It seemed obvious, but the underlying one was great.
| Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by Dipsomniac | [ Reply to This ]
  there is some very keen obsevations here.format and ryme was that great,but waqsnt bad either.
i liked more of what you were saying thatn the rest of it.this is a little different than most writes on here=its not about you really,but what you are seeing and what that means to u,and thats really cool.i was interested the whole time,you caught my attention from the very beggining and to that i say thanks

wes all toyysruss
| Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by toyysruss | [ Reply to This ]

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