On The Roadside.

Author: Jinxed ASL Info:    18/f/az Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 23 /21 /14 Words: 104

Class/Type: Poetry /Serious Total Views: 958 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 698

Description:

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On The Roadside.

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Red lipstick on a coffee mug when her lips are clear she looks outside to semi trucks back to her mirror Women take her order aged by fifty years her dreams haven't dried up Theirs had ended here. The rain isn't lifting. Cars aren't in the clear Trying to find the road in a rear view mirror. look down at the map left here right there take the cup of coffee wipe the lipstick smear. She takes her year old coffee. The rain, finally clear. there is no need to worry into that rearview mirror.

Submitted on 2005-10-12 23:57:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

Ok, why the periods at the end of every line? They're not needed - in fact, it's really distracting. Too many periods make a piece 'mechanical' and 'clunking' when read out. That's just me though. The second line didn't make much sense to me - 'When shes wearing clear.' - what do you mean by that? Do you mean 'which' to tie in with your first line? Grammatically it doesn't tie in otherwise. You also have inconsistent use of caps/non-caps. Stick to one format. Either cap every start to a sentence or cap every start to a line... or have no caps at all. Inconsistency distracts a reader. And look out for punctuation like "she's", "semi-trucks" and "their's"... just little things that will tidy any piece up. You wanted me to rip this apart. I'm being gentle. I think that you could expand upon this theme of mirrors and this woman in a diner. As it is, it's a bit too simple and straightforward - expand then compress after ditching unnecessary components. I hope this helps. Peace, Jase

| Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

The format was...meh. I didn't dig it so much. But I liked the sorta dual story line you had going. It seemed obvious, but the underlying one was great.

| Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by Dipsomniac | [ Reply to This ]

there is some very keen obsevations here.format and ryme was that great,but waqsnt bad either. i liked more of what you were saying thatn the rest of it.this is a little different than most writes on here=its not about you really,but what you are seeing and what that means to u,and thats really cool.i was interested the whole time,you caught my attention from the very beggining and to that i say thanks wes all toyysruss

| Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by toyysruss | [ Reply to This ]

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