it passes by
like a wretched fear
why look down if nothing looks back up?
constantly, she studies the asphault
crimson flows into her palm
free falling from her fingertips,
thus staining the earth
it passes by
its a tyranny
and the perils of being she
it passes by
shredding in the rupture of a sentimental sway
is her fickle fascination of a beaten down god
she holds swollen eyes, crying
hung up on whenever she called for help
another passes her by, flying
never to return, she's now by herself
| Again, nice work. I feel that you could expound more as to why she is bleeding and also tell us more about why she is at the place she is at. You had a rocky start, but smoothed out towards the middle and ended just fine. Great use of imagery, the wording was far better here than in the other two poems I have read from you. You could also leave this as is, if you wish for it to stay abstract. If so, then this is perfect.||| Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ] || I liked this very much, being somewhere myself similarly, except the blood... only when I tear my fingers on old nails sticking out of the oddest things, because:|
The first part was very good, and I liked where you took the ending, but that's just my quirk on the cutting part... it solves nothing.
|| Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ] || well my first impression...|
I liked the second half of it but not the first.
It all had some good ideas in it, like the repition "passes by" but their are too many angst poetry clichés towards the beginning, the number of time I've seen crimson used to describe blood and the use of the word thus feels so old-fashioned and out-of-place with the whole tone of the poem.
That said it really picked up towards the end and the last 8/9 lines or so are pretty good and most importantly sound unique, as if it's finally your voice coming through instead of any other poet.
so my first impression...
it's half good poem, half potential.
Thanks for sharing,
|| Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ] || Same as the girl in a well written piece I, too, have others pass me by with no help to be found. It gave me sense of depression and loneliness. So your title was great; went well with your piece. Your description a detailing of each emotion was equal and powerful; so I found it amazing and yet in some freaky way lovely. Keep it up!||| Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by lmen | [ Reply to This ] |