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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Confusiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: josymanthegreat
    ASL Info:    21/m/GA from Puerto Rico
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 337/364/104
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 513
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 795



    Description:
       Oh you will know what its about... The parenthesis is whispers


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsConfusiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    I see so much yet know so little
    (Hide what I feel)
    Being always caught up in the middle
    (Act like you don't know)
    How is my mind puzzled by all the riddles?
    (Never getting out)
    Rock dropping in my pond causing a ripple
    (Never going to show)

    Later on going on white
    (Like snow)
    Struggling with all of my might
    (Murdering the thought)
    To try to regain control
    (All is going slow)
    Taking violently its toll
    (Changing evermore)

    The past has to offer no more
    (Its behind)
    Tearing in me a black hole
    (In the phsyche)
    All of my feelings gone numb
    (Down in the shore)
    But with the morning new hope
    (Been reborn)




    Submitted on 2005-10-13 18:23:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hmmn...i'm feeling what your expressing here but i think your word used to express could of been a little more orignal...yes with so many written works its hard to find your own way to describe them but to be a writer that is what we do...we say things diffrently in a way in which people can relate and find interesting...and our compelled to absorb our words...i'm agreeing with tissue...which sounds like a weird statement in itself...anywho...that you should defently try to expand apon your itinial thoughts and ideas...and see what you can improve on...purps
    | Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      While the parenthetical phrases attributed to whispering was an original and interesting idea, I'm afraid it didn't quite flow well enough to add anything to this work. There were a few oddities in verb tense, causing the reader a "mental burp" if you will.

    I'm glad to see a poem ending on a good note, however. It's a pleasant, optimistic change. The imagery was decent, but since nothing was really expounded upon, they all felt rather basic. Not that that's a bad thing, as it might be perfect for this poem. I can't tell if fleshing out a metaphor or two would have been beneficial or not.

    Regardless, nice piece you have here. Nothing really stood out to me, but a solid piece through-and-through. Not bad.
    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by Tissue | [ Reply to This ]


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