well...it's a good start. Like alteredlife said, theres too much " i, i, i" in it. Plus, like halfway down you change your rhythm from "lets pretend" every other line, to no rhythm at all, only a rhyme scheme. this is a rather common issue with teenagers... so ordinary. Oh he left me, oh he sucks... try and spice it up. There aren't any feelings in this at all. It's a good start, but keep trying and welcome to elite _Kat
Well... it's honest but it employs the "I" word far too much. Seems more like lyrics to me.
Some people will really connect with this, some won't. I'm rather... ambivalent about the whole matter.
Yea. Try writing about something outside of yourself... and try injecting metaphors and analogies instead of stating it straight out... it's too 'in my face' as it is. You want something that will stand out from the crowd, you don't want something that is repeated in nearly every teenager's diary. It's just... same old, you know?
That's what I think. Sorry I couldn't be more in-depth. And welcome to Elite.
very good write there might be a little too many I s in it but thats the way it came to you i to feel that at times i give to much love to people and never get enough back but recently i have realized we give love not to be reciprocated but because we care yes its nice to be loved in return but if its not heartfelt then its not really real