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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pretendingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Briannan
    ASL Info:    20/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.59 - 123/127/49
    Words: 199
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 582
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1292



    Description:
       I want to know what you think. I only get told that what I write is good. If it is good tell me so. If you hate it tell me so. But not only that why.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPretendingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Let's pretend I smile
    No tears at all
    Let's pretend I am what I am
    Laughing as I fall

    Let's pretend I love you
    Even though you don't know me
    Let's pretend I am dying
    And I don't want to be free

    Let's pretend I never hurt
    Like I so often do
    So that I can stop
    And hurt for you

    Let's pretend I don't get angry
    I don't want to scream
    Let's pretend I am not sleeping
    During the time I dream

    Let's pretend I love you
    Just for the night
    We don't really have to pretend
    That is not a lie

    I do love you
    All of you
    Even when you take advantage
    And say you love me too

    I know that you lie
    And I still give you my soul
    You pull me in
    And I will make you full

    And all you do is take
    Never giving to my need
    That is okay
    I will always lead

    You follow
    Even unknowingly
    You trail after me
    Even unfeelingly

    So let's pretend for now
    That you love me true
    And you love me fair
    Like all should do




    Submitted on 2005-10-13 20:07:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Mmmm, the jury's still out. If you're going to rhyme, rhyme constantly. With the theme of your poem here, probably doesn't need to rhyme, it's a very powerful subject.

    You can get away with repetition if the rest is good enough. I was lost after "let's pretend" no.4 I'd really look at sayng it in different ways, there are plenty of others that mean the same.

    It just seemed to be skipping around what you really were trying to say, like a bunch of random thoughts...I think the basis is there, but you did ask for real thoughts on it.

    Sorry to be so negative, just trying to help

    be happy

    graeme
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice write. I cnt really find anything to pick at. It was awsome. Alot of feeling in it to. I've been in relationships like as well. Well keep up the great work!

    >:D
    | Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by skullreaperX_X | [ Reply to This ]
      well...it's a good start. Like alteredlife said, theres too much " i, i, i" in it. Plus, like halfway down you change your rhythm from "lets pretend" every other line, to no rhythm at all, only a rhyme scheme. this is a rather common issue with teenagers... so ordinary. Oh he left me, oh he sucks... try and spice it up. There aren't any feelings in this at all. It's a good start, but keep trying and welcome to elite
    _Kat
    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well... it's honest but it employs the "I" word far too much. Seems more like lyrics to me.

    Some people will really connect with this, some won't. I'm rather... ambivalent about the whole matter.

    Yea. Try writing about something outside of yourself... and try injecting metaphors and analogies instead of stating it straight out... it's too 'in my face' as it is. You want something that will stand out from the crowd, you don't want something that is repeated in nearly every teenager's diary. It's just... same old, you know?

    That's what I think. Sorry I couldn't be more in-depth. And welcome to Elite.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      very good write
    there might be a little too many I s in it but thats the way it came to you
    i to feel that at times i give to much love to people and never get enough back
    but recently i have realized we give love not to be reciprocated but because we care
    yes its nice to be loved in return but if its not heartfelt then its not really real

    Please continue to write as it heals

    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-10-15 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


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