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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Outward Bounddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    58/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2779/1297/258
    Words: 106
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 723
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 766



    Description:
       It's not often I meditate on death, transistion or transformation. This is just one of those times.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOutward Bounddots
    -------------------------------------------


    If I should someday
    clot with dust,
    a cast iron pump
    smothered with rust,
    my blood coalesce
    into thick tributaries,
    fradulent experience retreat
    as those who pledge
    yet seldom marry;
    would there be a sound
    a scream, mourning or
    would mourning seem,
    as copious tears,
    unneccessary? I'm told
    Hell is where this river's flowing;
    as if my sad ship
    were derelict, stripped of
    her sails and had no
    means of rowing.

    In my dreams
    I have a way of knowing.

    Free fall flow
    river flow, on and on
    it goes, breathe
    underwater
    to the end.

    I have a way of knowing.




    Submitted on 2005-10-14 00:32:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hell is where this river's flowing;
    as if my sad ship
    were derelict, stripped of
    her sails and had no
    means of rowing.


    Very beautiful.

    I really like your style of writing. Your voice. This is a very unique approach to this topic matter.

    I'm told
    Hell is where this river's flowing;
    as if my sad ship
    were derelict, stripped of
    her sails and had no
    means of rowing.

    To me this passage paints a very clear picture of this narrorators life as seen by others or maybe perhaps himself at times.

    In my dreams
    I have a way of knowing.

    A very powerful ending because it made me the reader look at myself. It made me rethink dreams I"ve had of the same type.

    This was a very personal poem. About a dark subject yet the piece itself wasn't dark. It was brief and arresting. I look forward to reading more of you work.

    Spoken
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by spoken | [ Reply to This ]
      I've whizzed through a few of your pieces and for some reason I am here but i will (hopefully) be back some other time for more.

    This seems to be about the theisistic side of agnosticism. You know, a lot of doubt as to where, when or how it will happen (death) but accepting it with a sober mind. I like the intro - fresh images, although the water pump seems a bit of a random choice.

    Ratherthan enetrtaining thenotion that death is the full stop of the punctuation of life, you entertain the idea that there is some continued destination. I like how it says that maybe there will be things to lament and maybe the things we think we will lament for won't be such sad objects for contemplation.

    In mentioning hell you seem tobe rejecting thenotion that it is one big forceful current that carries one away, as if it is an automatic destination, and instead give a picture of something like holding your breath and pereservering against the undercurrents like a dreamer. I like how you contemplate the notion of ceasing to exist with subtle termsand leave us open to the possibility of what will happen in a situation that is impossible to avoid.
    | Posted on 2005-11-04 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not the type to nitpick flow and rhythm. I like the metaphors in the beginning lines and you keep with a theme. Keep up the good work.
    | Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by CynicalxDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      kind of worded, yes, in general, i like your vocan because it adds an old feel to it - as if your poem was written on one of the old tombs///

    but otherwise it failed to impress me. i mean - rivers, ships, maybe bridges- these are not very originals metaphors for death.

    and of course it doesn't flow well. your rhymes sound forced, 'smothered with rust'.

    however, if there's anything at all special in your poem it would the stanza:

    Free fall flow
    river flow, on and on
    it goes, breathe
    underwater
    to the end.

    A fresh breath of wind to the whole poem. If I were you, I'd leave this stanza only, and it would be great.

    outward bound

    Free fall flow
    river flow, on and on
    it goes, breathe
    underwater
    to the end.

    If your original poem is mediocre, this poem would rock.
    | Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by expiring_touch | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it... was the river the River Styx... just a thought.... anyway, awesome write. one of the best I have read in a while, not that I've read many in a while... anyway I am off... wonderful write, full of life... well not exactly life but... well you get the picture... THNX

    - Nammy
    | Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]
      this was interesting.a lot of big words(lol)kinda throught it off for me a little(not for lack of understanding the words)but i guess for flow effect even though flow matters not 4 me
    the phrase i have a way of knowing caught my eye.somhow i do 2 and i wish i didnt most of the time.a surprise is a rare treat weather it be good or bad.

    ive been in the outbound lane 4 many years now,just cant seem to get to the final destanation i crave so=maybe i dont truly crave it

    anyways sorry about the rambling and this was pretty good.dosent invoke any emotion 4 me though..really good imagery is where the write excels 4 me

    all one persons opinion

    cool
    wes all toyysruss
    | Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by toyysruss | [ Reply to This ]


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