Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Words at a Distancedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: VanillaLeaves
    Elite Ratio:    4.1 - 101/110/23
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 755
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 825



    Description:
       I haven't posted in a while, college has kind of swallowed my life. Sorry. This is really just a cluster of metaphores losely about one thing. Hope you enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWords at a Distancedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Words of my Sister

    On Monday evenings
    I go out
    into the dark evening
    hair of October.
    I clutch the cell phone,
    trying to squeeze out
    reception
    like honey from a lemon
    into my ear.

    The electronic ring
    slinks into my ear canal and
    like a rain wet cat,
    shakes off droplets of sound
    that beat against my ear drum.
    I want to here your voice.

    Sometimes you speak
    with no phone at all,
    just whisper
    a hundred miles away
    and your chin on my shoulder.
    Your wisdom
    slips out
    from between your lips
    as an oak tree drops
    acorns in autumn
    when the crisp leaves
    peel away from the ripe
    blue sky.
    Speak.




    Submitted on 2005-10-14 08:14:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i dont think some of the people that commented on this poem get it.. or i don't... as i was reading this i saw one thought slip into another and it was beautiful...

    i think i like your writes cause i see a bit of my self in them

    i like how you talk about october and fall.. and i like the way you tell a story with atmispere instead of A's and B's... i dont know i like this is all

    on the flipside
    -DS
    | Posted on 2005-10-19 00:00:00 | by milo stills | [ Reply to This ]
      a good write but a little confusing in places
    it sounds like you were trying to incorporate 2 themes into one

    i first thought it was going to be a poem about needless cells
    then it erupted into a love poem
    the ending stanzas were very well written
    i just think like a said the first stanza was a little confusing

    a very good message was let out

    Keep Writing
    It Heals

    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you have some very good imagination and apply it well in this piece although it does feel a bit forced at times. I feel your emotions and that is important. Spelling is a concern. I believe you meant the evening 'air' of October and 'I want to hear your voice' not 'here'. Aside from that I enjoyed the poem and think you show the ability to write some good stuff. Diamond Dan
    | Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]
      ok the emotion is here I cannot deny that but I would of totally missed out on all that because of the begining. I think this could use some restructuring because the structure really herts the poem. but the emotion is so strong that is has potential to be really good.

    look at it through my eyes I was reading the first bit I hve no Idea what it is about no connection is made still I read on half way through this slow moving( there is nothing wrong with slow moving but slow moving un connecting unintresting uenticeing ) first bit I wanted to stop and just bash the whole thing.
    but I read on the second bit though still not well writen was infused with emotion. so I read on to disapointment . I do think it can be a good poem thou
    | Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by slybee22 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    77611

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry