Description: I left Lance. I know now I shouldn't have, ut it's too late. I love him still though. I might add more stanzas to this later, but for now it is goign to be short...
Last Poem -------------------------------------------
The sunrise was beautiful this morning
I wish you could have been here.
My heart is filled with longing,
and my eyes are are full of fear.
Paint a picture of us happy again
and walk back into it.
I wish we could have been
instead of something to forget.
yeah u should definitely add to this. like u know ur sad and u express that, but it doesn't get so bad that u [censored] and complain about how ur life is
The first stanza is incredible. Really it was perfect. But I think the second could use some work.
"I wish I could paint a picture of us happy again and walk back into it. I wish we could have been instead of something to forget."
Okay...the first line is really long and it doesn't flow with the next three lines. You can do two things-boost the next three of shorten the first on to be something like Wishing for a portrait of the past something shorter you know. And then it and forget are not the best rhyme. I really adore the first part of this poem so do not take my suggestions harshly. I just think the first part was so good you should clean up the second part.
this is extremely appropriate for what im feeling right now. i like it.. the words are sad but not self-pitying to the point of melodrama..its a little short... but its good.
Submission Name: Last Poem
