Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Last Poem

Author: AmandaLyn
ASL Info:    18/F/ Centralia
Elite Ratio:    3.59 - 292 /292 /42
Words: 53
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1451
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 326


I left Lance. I know now I shouldn't have, ut it's too late. I love him still though. I might add more stanzas to this later, but for now it is goign to be short...

Last Poem

The sunrise was beautiful this morning
I wish you could have been here.
My heart is filled with longing,
and my eyes are are full of fear.

Paint a picture of us happy again
and walk back into it.
I wish we could have been
instead of something to forget.

Submitted on 2005-10-14 08:59:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  yeah u should definitely add to this. like u know ur sad and u express that, but it doesn't get so bad that u [censored] and complain about how ur life is
| Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
  The first stanza is incredible. Really it was perfect. But I think the second could use some work.

"I wish I could paint a picture of us happy again
and walk back into it.
I wish we could have been
instead of something to forget."

Okay...the first line is really long and it doesn't flow with the next three lines. You can do two things-boost the next three of shorten the first on to be something like
Wishing for a portrait of the past
something shorter you know.
And then it and forget are not the best rhyme.
I really adore the first part of this poem so do not take my suggestions harshly. I just think the first part was so good you should clean up the second part.
| Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by beldolore | [ Reply to This ]
  this is extremely appropriate for what im feeling right now. i like it.. the words are sad but not self-pitying to the point of melodrama..its a little short... but its good.
| Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by EEKS | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?