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Last Poem


Author: AmandaLyn
ASL Info:    18/F/ Centralia
Elite Ratio:    3.59 - 292 /292 /42
Words: 53
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1451
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 326



Description:


I left Lance. I know now I shouldn't have, ut it's too late. I love him still though. I might add more stanzas to this later, but for now it is goign to be short...


Last Poem



The sunrise was beautiful this morning
I wish you could have been here.
My heart is filled with longing,
and my eyes are are full of fear.

Paint a picture of us happy again
and walk back into it.
I wish we could have been
instead of something to forget.





Submitted on 2005-10-14 08:59:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  yeah u should definitely add to this. like u know ur sad and u express that, but it doesn't get so bad that u [censored] and complain about how ur life is
| Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
  The first stanza is incredible. Really it was perfect. But I think the second could use some work.

"I wish I could paint a picture of us happy again
and walk back into it.
I wish we could have been
instead of something to forget."

Okay...the first line is really long and it doesn't flow with the next three lines. You can do two things-boost the next three of shorten the first on to be something like
Wishing for a portrait of the past
something shorter you know.
And then it and forget are not the best rhyme.
I really adore the first part of this poem so do not take my suggestions harshly. I just think the first part was so good you should clean up the second part.
| Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by beldolore | [ Reply to This ]
  this is extremely appropriate for what im feeling right now. i like it.. the words are sad but not self-pitying to the point of melodrama..its a little short... but its good.
| Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by EEKS | [ Reply to This ]


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