Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Ignis Fatuus

Author: Astarael
ASL Info:    19/Girl/Baltimore
Elite Ratio:    5.34 - 87 /102 /38
Words: 257
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1065
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1743


a little bit of F. Scott Fitzgerald and a little bit of Oscar Wilde, hopefully you can pick it out.

Ignis Fatuus

the room is filled sweet young girls
scented flowers blooming in smoky chambers
already learning how to manipulate men
arm around a shoulder here, faux intoxication

all the while knowing
in the soberness of their minds
they came here for something
and they wont leave without it

long thin arms
encircling collared necks
hair gleaming
like the diamonds in their ears

beer in green glass bottles
lying crisp and golden inside
like a fresh autumn apple
in a child's hand

merlot flowing freely
slopping over glasses
to stain drunken mouths filled with glee
and chins nestled in shoulders

the dance is crazy and frivolous
happy and lighthearted
but their lives are quietly dark and full of secrets
like the lockets around their swan necks

you look pretty in that dress he says
thank you she replies
with the blink of an eye
a shadow of doubt

not knowing whether to give in
to the tensions of their bodies forced so obviously together
in the crowd and the lights and the din
pressed impossibly closer with each passing song

the night is young
but he can focus on what he wants
like a keen laser beam
tracking down its prey in the blackness

while all the while she wonders
why her life lies
scattered in the wind
like pages torn from an old book

yin and yang live on
in drug laced dreams
existence their only absolute
for tomorrow night's another party.

Submitted on 2005-10-14 22:27:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  You've pointed out what a mockery society can be for a genration of 'good' little girls who circle like vultures round the elders that should be their teachers but have become their predators. The setting reminds me of the 20's, a la Gatsby, but the sentiment is strictly Wilde (who would laugh at lecherous old fools being played by bright young things playing dumb). What irony! Nicely, nicely done. Take care. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  I know Ignis means fire but I couldn't find the meaning of Fatuus... unless there is some sort of pun or something here that I can't catch...
okay enough rambling

I get his impression of all of the girls in the room looking and dressing the the same. Like they weren't individuals but just girls to dance with for a night and then leave them for the next night's party.

yet in the middle of all fo this there seemed a little more when the man in the crowd complicmented 'her' on her dress. It seemed like only these two of all of the dancers were different.

I could be interpreting this completely wrong but this is how I see it and what I get out of it.

I think the only lines that really bothered me were these:

"like a keen laser beam
tracking down its prey in the blackness"

somehow it felt wrong in this particular place. Like the man who seemed different wasn't, just another dancer. Even if that wasn't your desired effect it still feels too dine and keen to be in this context. Everything else in this poem gives the feeling of a blur.

hope this has helped (sorry I am not the best at interpreting poems)

| Posted on 2005-10-27 00:00:00 | by MystMaker | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm not a big F. Scott Fitzgerald fan, though I have read a little of the Great Gatsby but I am a huge Oscar Wilde fan. I noticed that you used latin for your title just like Wilde's work "De Profundis" (awesome work) and the hypocrisy that he used to joke about his culture, you have done with our culture. The intoxication of poison on both substance and relationships are mocked by simply presenting them bluntly to the public. I liked your style with this. The last line really surprised me. I was expecting a dark ending but it seems that you had fun with it.
The dialogue through me off a bit. That's my only major critique. I think the poem was strong enough to not need actual words spoken. The truth speaks for itself. Maybe that's the Fitzgerald in it. He tried to speak the truth about society and you did too. I hope I didn't mess up the meaning of your work and I hope I see it right. Please tell me if I'm way off in left field here! LOL
Anyway, it's a fascinating piece of literature and I think Oscar Wilde would agree. Awesome job!
| Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by the_freaks_muse | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?