Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pleasure for the Deaddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PsychoBabble214
    ASL Info:    18/female
    Elite Ratio:    4.52 - 103/109/29
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 980
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 952



    Description:
       ...just another creation...tell me what you think! ^_^


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPleasure for the Deaddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Can you warm my cold dead skin?
    No, but you can make me cry
    Can you make me breathe again?
    No, because you've yet to die

    Can you love a corpse?
    Im dead, but i can still feel
    But cut me open, no blood flows
    The wounds will never heal

    You said you'd always love me
    Even when i'm only rotten flesh in the ground?
    Could you really keep your promise
    With all these fresh b!tches all around?

    Tell me, would you f*ck a corpse?
    My body being stiff and cold
    You've taken me before,
    Dont you want what i've left to hold?

    Maggots and puss, im empty inside
    No lungs to breathe, no heart to beat
    Not good enough now?
    Am i only so much meat?

    So you lied and never loved
    Killing a dead heart
    Eat my body, eat my disease
    Murder, my finest art




    Submitted on 2005-10-15 23:35:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      can we say beautiful? haha this was an amazing poem; the imagry, the story and let us not forget this is one hell of an original piece. I get the underlying story is that of a guy who loved a girl, used her and left her. now shes dead inside. that is the story i get out of this, let me know if i'm right. if i am right then this whole poem is one hell of a metaphor most creatively structured and the imagry is wonderful if sickening at times but it hits the reader and it hits them hard. it makes them feel wasted, used and obsolete. an ant in a world of spiders. you are evil for creating such a sick and twisted poem haha, most beautiful. keep up the creativeness and i'll soon be a fan of yours.
    | Posted on 2005-10-19 00:00:00 | by iHaveNoName323 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is so freaking bad a*ss! you really know how to grab at my dark side here. wow! this is a Halloween special! even though i know its most likely was not intended to be, then again it could. it just goes with the season so famously. I must say you are on the forefront here of the macabre at your age too its really amazing to see such dark words. ok let me save my exhilarations whew! put that aside and lets see if i can extract deeper meanings here in this dark gothic like piece.

    first small corrections: v6 “Im” to “I’m” v10 “i’m” to “I’m” v12 it is already understandable why you did that I think you can get away with it on a write though. same thing with v13. v16 “i’ve” to “I’ve” v17 “i’m” to “I’m”

    v1 "Can you warm my cold dead skin?" this can mean can you sympathize or empathize with my situation. a second meaning you can get is: can the said person make the character/you feel warm toward the said person or just warm in general.

    v2 as is v3 “can you make me breathe again?” these are open but its good it leaves it for many different interpretations. to breathe again for me would mean to enjoy life, I see the breath as one of the basic life necessities. you can parallel with scripture “the breath of life” or you can look at the scale of needs in science, The physiological needs. These include the needs we have for oxygen, water, protein, salt, sugar, calcium, and other minerals and vitamins. The top of the Maslow pyramid you have the basic need air a fundamental part labeled appropriately as self actualization. another meaning I can get is about being comfortable with oneself or another since an arrested breath would be most uncomfortable.

    v4 “No, because you've yet to die” this “death” I take as a death of emotions/spirit this is one of the reasons I see this as a gothic type piece.
    v5 “Can you love a corpse?” this harmonizes with v1 yet is more powerful to me.
    v6 “I’m dead, but i can still feel” this to me means the character/you can still relate or can open up, and is not entirely dead inside. something I need to keep for myself in the realm of relating, feeling, not being so final on certain situations.
    v7 “ But cut me open, no blood flows” this is a harder one to tackle. the character/you if you were to be wounded “no blood flows”. blood it is warm maybe it is reflective on vs. 5 and 1. of course the wound is emotional so the no blood flows could be simply telling one that.

    v8 “The wounds will never heal” this is well said and I connect with the line immensely although I have been connecting to this ever since the word “can” in verse 1! yes some wounds never heal, some wounds appear to never heal, some do, and others take a heck of a long time! I’m still healing from a mother who took off and that was 31 years ago!
    v9 as is v10 “Even when I'm only rotten flesh in the ground?” this is a self abasement type line here to describe oneself as this reminds me of well me. ha ha sorry I know this is no laughing matter but you got too or else you'll go nuts. I lower myself a lot I say I’m nothing, a piece of crap, garbage, dumb, ignorant, blind, slow, redundant, clichéd, etc. but then again now looking at it, it might be hinted sarcasm to the intended person and the character/you is trying to make the other feel bad. so it can work both ways.
    v11 and v12 I'd like to take together. fresh b*itches now that could mean girls that have less “baggage” maybe superficial types little miss popular homecoming queens who knows. or fresh meaning unspoiled by a relationship.
    v13 I’m going to skip that cause of your age it would be most inappropriate.
    v14 actually this too and v 15 and 16 same reason as 13.
    v17 “Maggots and puss, I’m empty inside” again self abasement and again could also be sarcasm.
    v18 “No lungs to breathe, no heart to beat” the enjoyment of life and the warmth is either gone or fading. very sad to read this line.
    v19 as is
    v20 again just to be safe (skip)
    vs 21-24 I want to post the entire stanza as my favorite part

    So you lied and never loved
    Killing a dead heart
    Eat my body, eat my disease
    Murder, my finest art

    “murder my finest art” is so freaking off the hook!
    I hope i did ok for this,

    ~mike

    for excellence not perfection yet but I'm sure you'll make it so. congrats! you are the queen of the macbre!
    | Posted on 2005-10-16 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      Gruesome, extremely gruesome. Some parts of this almost turned my stomach. Well done! A very entertaining read, althought the concept is horrid. Liked the part when you started curse, it added a sense of edgy comedy and the imagery was ghastly (in a good way). The only thing I would have done differently was, elaborate on the gorey things like "Maggots and puss" and "But cut me open, no blood flows
    The wounds will never heal". Overall, a great piece. Keep it up!
    | Posted on 2005-10-16 00:00:00 | by Sethesin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    77765

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry