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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Trappeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: camoflage
    ASL Info:    16/f/nc
    Elite Ratio:    4.51 - 459/295/71
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Trapped
    Total Views: 825
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 500



    Description:
       tell me what you think about it, i think it could use some fixing up...input accepted.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTrappeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Trapped within my memories
    of all the lies you told to me
    And all the little signs I was to blind to see.
    Trapped within society,
    feeling the need to be someone I can never be.
    Trapped within a mirror
    watching myself,
    seeing nothin more than an emprty shell.
    Trapped within the memories
    of all the times you said you loved me
    I thought you meant it,
    but you were just full of lies.....




    Submitted on 2005-10-16 09:59:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a good expression of your feelings. I dont think you did a bad job with this one. The only recommedation I would make is to not mention the title so much in the poem. Instead, try describing the feeling of being trapped without saying it. That way you give the reader more insight to how you "actually feel" rather than just a repeated word. And you could always use the word trapped at the end. It would finish this off nicely! I think if you gave more descriptive qualities it would add a great deal of depth to the write and more readers would be taken in with the words. Just my opinion. Otherwise a good poem. There are lots of sucky men in this world. The challenge lies in finding the ones that are genuine. It takes some trial and error but they still exist. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-10-27 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      how sad that this person cannot see your inner beauty
    i have read some of your poetry and you express yourself quite well

    all i can say is move forward reflect on lifes positives
    as your moving forward you will create new friends and a new love just give it time


    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-10-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Well I see no one has commented on this one so I figured I'd comment. Yes some guys or people are like this. I'm assuming this is about a guy though cause it sounds like its about one and I just read your journal. I think I have only one thing to say about this and that is that in the beginning where you have...

    "Trapped within my memories
    of all the lies you told to me
    And all the little signs I was to blind to see.
    Trapped within society,
    feeling the need to be someone I can never be"

    that all seems to rhyme and the rest doesn't really so that kind of threw me off. I mean I don't know if you intended that but I thought I'd point it out. Otherwise I really don't have anything else to say.

    Brenna
    | Posted on 2005-10-16 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]


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