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Author: Car va g o
ASL Info:    35/M/NY
Elite Ratio:    7.84 - 180 /185 /45
Words: 123
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 1593
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 807


Yes, after the first two reviewers, to whom I owe thanks, I reworked the poem.


The softer veins have dried,
but the thicker ones
still snake like roots.

They draw out the emptiness
from my cosmos
like a ship's pump
keeping me afloat
through the many storms.

Should they collapse
I wouldn’t know what to do.

The fall leaves make scales on my skin;
I am dressed like the tree of my dreams.
my feet are planted in the hill it stands on
they reach to the river heard softly in the distance.

Somewhere the roots are dry;
clogged like powder in the mouth;
cracked like desert clay.

A long drought of thought
has rendered them useless,
but as I drink from the earth,
I pray that place is not near.

Submitted on 2005-10-16 13:15:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  This is a big idea…you seam to be as wide as the sky, somehow you have become enormous ,and planted in the earth

I makes me think of the wickka man (or the green man) the life force…..partner to mother nature

The fall leaves make scales on my skin;
I am dressed like the tree of my dreams.
my feet are planted in the hill it stands on
they reach to the river heard softly in the distance.

I like these 4 lines particularly but I am confused about ''that place'' in the last two
' but as I drink from the earth
I pray that place is not near.'

have I missed a clue somewhere?
this is nice work Marco
even if I didn’t get the last line
| Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by ertha | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay I will venture in to no man's land and try to pin the tail on the donkey here. Is this about getting old in the world like say bamboo - you know, no longer green and able to bend. I get this from all the themes of drying up and the veins can be taken as both a plant and the body. Even though you are directly relying descriptions that belong in the botanical kingdom it has obvious overtunes of something human and getting old - a lack of nourishment. More than just the mere physical decay you seem to be talking about a sort of psychological decay too - maybe that comes form the description of roots.

On the whole it paints a kind of nilhistic surreal habitat - like me mself and I. Taking oneself as the object of absorption. There is nothing else here in this depiction of your universe. Only a river in the distance which could almost be a dream. All this said I don't know what the place that you are hoping is not near is all about ...

Still, a thoughtful write. Perhaps a bit too cerebral to make much of an impact on me, but I definantly appreciate yourt contibutions

take care
| Posted on 2005-10-20 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with Alia on the punctuation. To avoid the proper use of capitalisation and punctuation is an affectation which is detrimental to the undrstanding of any poem.
Are you sure in your own mind what you are writing about here? Do you feel that you have done a workmanlike job in conveying the true meaning of your poem to your readers? You don't perhaps harbour the delusion that a poem has to be sort of confusing or symbolic, do you? Read your third verse slowly to yourself out loud and now pretend that you are hearing it for the first time and tell me what it means. There is nothing wrong with a poem being correctly spelled, punctuated and being self-evidently clear and intelligible.
| Posted on 2005-10-17 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]

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