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Seek Not My Heart


Author: angel_eyes9701
ASL Info:    24 F Salem, OR
Elite Ratio:    3.62 - 19 /33 /14
Words: 146
Class/Type: Misc /Love
Total Views: 623
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1042



Description:




Seek Not My Heart



Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies,
Do not you hear my heartfelt cries?

Below the branches, here about,
Do not you sense my fear and doubt?
Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams,
Do not you hear my woeful screams?

Upon the meadows, touched with dew,
Do not you see my hearts a'skew?
Beneath the thousand twinkling stars,
Do not you feel my jagged scars?

Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze,
For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees.

It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies,
Accompanied by heartfelt sighs.
It's drifting o're the gentle rain,
A symbol of my silent pain.

It's buried 'neath the meadow fair,
Conjoined with all the sorrow there.
It's lost among the stars this night,
Too far to ease my quiet fright.

No gentle winds, seek not my heart,
For simply ... it has torn apar




Submitted on 2005-10-16 17:12:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I loved the language that you used in this poem and the flow was amazing. None of the rhyme seemed to be forced in anyway. The imagery was great and it kind of takes you back to a chivalrous kind of love. The kind found in the old days. But I think that the beginning is a bit too repetitious. You ask the question too many times. I would sugest bringing it down a little bit because it kind of distracts from the poem in the beginning. Besides that I loved it! Nice job:)
| Posted on 2005-10-19 00:00:00 | by Amanda Bee | [ Reply to This ]
  hmm, i read your other piece as well, and i dont want to sound mean in any way, i just think with your ideas you could get so much more out of your writing if you didnt write so typically...the last comment starts to suggest this, but then tapers off into a compliment, and not that im trying to insult your writing, but truly, think of what it could be it if sounded more like your writing, and not something out of disney movie...for example, use a thesaurus, this will give you more than one option for a word, you can definitively explain exactly what it is you are trying to write, and not just the first thing that comes to mind...this, i think, with a simple revision, could become so much more true of a piece than you believe, i would look forward to reading what else you could come up with, once you've seen what you can do...

tony
| Posted on 2005-10-16 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
  first let me say this is one of the better flowing poems I have read. Its such a nice soft movement from phrase to phrase and the rhyming is spot on!

the pattern in the begging is a bit redundant; its really nice at first but it goes on a bit more than is pleasurable to read

I would hate to see you take out any lines of these because they all seem just as powerful as the next but if you want to make this a little more pleasant to read I would suggest taking out maybe one or two of the line - question patterns

beautifully written!

keep writing!

-mystmaker
| Posted on 2005-10-16 00:00:00 | by MystMaker | [ Reply to This ]


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