This poem is the first I've read of yours, and it made me have to pee more since I was laughing so hard.
I came through with my promise that I would read your work.
Personally, I truly think you need to send some of this sh-it to some goddamn EDITORS ASAP. Get your "giblet that doesn't fit right," a tummy tuck and make it fit into the tight attire of the Published!
Basically, you used creative wording to express the same ol' sh-itty insecurity that guys feel when a woman finally realizes that the man she is with is suddenly inadequate and far below her standards. So she out-grew you or discovered that she had higher standards. It happens.
But, yes, "run-of-the-mill." Thanks for the warning! ^_^
And Vancrown below was right when he posted this: Tell me that my giblet dick <that> doesnít fit right.
"And that you cannot be with a man who <cannot> gratify your desires.
Tell me that my teeth are crooked and arenít <not> ivory enough for you.
And that you cannot be seen with me any longer."
I'm just not sure if you really read the comments or if you just read them and not bother to take any advice. The best thing to do to PREPARE YOUR WRITING for an EDITOR is to take some advice, leave some advice, and then sh-it on some advice. The usual whatnot.
P.S. I had to capitalize some things in case you decided not to read mine. Hoped it would help.
Hahahahaha, but god how I know this feeling.... just SAY THE WORST THING, ok? Do not be KIND to me, do not "Spare" me anything and suffer me with your tender pities, I'd rather have you just slap the [censored] out of me, because at least it's more honest and non-condescending as these [censored] WORDS of yours...
Sorry, I rant sometimes instead of commenting... that's what I picked up, the vibe it gave me. I know that's how I would feel, given the circumstances. Give me something I can WORK WITH here, feedback, not "It's not you baby, it's me...." bull[censored] to float on the water and muck things up any further than they are!
i don't rant anymore, the doctor said it was giving my the hemrhoids. i got into this one so i read it a few time and after feeling like an ass for reading the same [censored] for a hlaf an hour, i added it to my favorites.~P (cyclops with his eye closed)
wow i am out of my mind .. i really love it man ... it is a good very good one almost perfecto though ... hey you have the exact wpords for your sentence...and by the wy i am feeling like this .. because of my girlfriend ... man... i love these words :
"Tell me that my giblet dick that doesnít fit right. And that you cannot be with a man who cannot gratify your desires."
it is very deep... and that why i love it ..a nd the other part that i like is :
" Tell me that my coarse cackle gives you headaches. And that you think my kind of humor died with whoopee cushions.
Tell me my sociopathic viewpoints and deranged attitude bring you down. And that I donít have what it takes to peel you from your tiresome skillet of pessimism."
i love these sentences becuase sometimes girls first say those things are what they like about you but then they said what you wrote.. kid of confusing well man .. i love this one .. and it s one of my favorites.. for sure! and please check out my writing please
you are quite clearly fu-cking pi-ssed at not getting your leg over for a while.
so yes, a rant it is and what more is there to say. you should put a few down tuned chords, some screaming and double pedal and there you have a heavy metal tune.
i read your journal and so there is not really anything i can say that will make any difference. you know what it is, and that is cool.
to me, it just strikes and not being constructed or thought out in your usual manner. some of the diction may be familiar but you have just slapped it down in anger and left with your middle finger raised.
and that sometimes works.
but for me you need to mould this into some kind of plot or context or something that will bring it to life,
of just spray it on the car of the next girl who blows you out.
I'm not into defining the autobiographical based on what someone writes, because I often expect the better poets around here to transcend the personal, and be inventive. Regardless of the source for this, whether it is real or invented, I was a little disconcerted by the sloppiness of the first few lines, with these things I'll put in < >:
Tell me that my giblet dick <that> doesnít fit right. And that you cannot be with a man who <cannot> gratify your desires.
Tell me that my teeth are crooked and arenít <not> ivory enough for you. And that you cannot be seen with me any longer.
These things just didn't live up to the high expectations I've come to have with your work. They're a bit shoddy for you, or at least for that craftsman I've often admired (deserved or not, your poems have always taken it to the next level).
I felt the frustration of this piece very clearly, and I've been there. Women can be incredibly obtuse when it suits them, and do more harm with silence than could ever be done with the truth. I've found more often than not they baffle themselves, the silent ones, I mean, and they are cowardly, in that they figure if they say nothing, then you'll remain on the string, dangling, or at the very least, when you confront them, they can retain the upper hand and make you feel quite foolish because they've never committed themselves to anything that you can point to and say "Ah-HA! That's what you did!" No.
Fortunately, they're in the minority. Best practice is to mosey on down the road, but the odd thing is, the ones that do this are often the ones we are disasterously attracted to for reasons we cannot fathom.
Such is a bug's life.
I could definately relate. You classified this as a rant, and I'd agree. In the final analysis, it's not so much a poem as it is an open door into something that sooner or later, most guys face. I appreciate that kind of openness from time to time.
A mixed review, but I suspect you're tough enough and can take it.
Oh, as for your description, I can only say after my 100th "I don't get it" comment:
well I hate to say this and I get the feeling (and in some ways hope) that you could care less anyway but this was a little dissapointing. your style is definatly more tended towards the harsher more realistic, society-bashing, forcing people to question work rather than this attempt at sentimental. if this was the first of your work I'd ever read I don't know how quick I'd be to read anymore...but this doesn't seem to be you. (not that I can say I know u) I get from this that you don't want to be in love, to be "vulnerable" and are hoping to not have to be the one to end it. this was an OK write. "I can not buy you lunch if you only order ice water/ I cannot open the automatic doors for you." these were the best lines. later. ~Jess~
wow o wow. Somebody needs a punching bag! I never knew you were so sensitive. :) What can I say about this one? well I undestood this one to say the leaste compared to the other poems I have looked at. I think this one is shallow and totaly not you but I guess there wasn't much thought that went into this one. I look up to because your level of writing is where I hope to be one day and I must say you have dissapointed me. I'm pretty sure you know this is not one of your best ones but definately worth revising. I can really feel the emotion behind this piece but it's not you.
forgive me for my handwriting, but as i write this, tears blur my vision... tears i shed for you... i send my greatest sympathies.. because a guy like you deserves better...
this is so original, i almost pooped myself
seriously, myx... i like the fact that this one seems more heartfelt (for lack of a better word) and not just a poem full of insults and such, but.. it lacks the quality that i've come to expect from you...
maybe her perfume was still clouding your brain or something.. or you were very very drunk when you posted this, thinking it represented your work... i dont know..
all i can say is ...revise?
most people that get dumped never find the true reason for it.. they get a handful of reasons that they know are lies... and a lot of people say some of the same things you stated above.. making this a not so original piece...
aside from that, i like the ending.. if i force myself to believe that you didnt write it
hmmn...well mikey i have to say i was pretty disapointed when i read this...what is this this isn't your writing...this is...i'm not sure ...maybe i just expect more from you because i know you can write better than this...lol...well not much more to say really i guess...ange
Ooooh damn sounds like some chick was trying to scrw you over to dump you or something. I can see what you mean, you rather have someone tell you about all the things they don't like about you instead of them doing something worse to hurt your feelings. Ok one thing that really really really bothers me too for some reason is when you use words like "cannot". I have no idea why but they drive me crazy. I always use "can't", "don't", "isn't" etc because I just for some reason I hate using "not" with those words cause they sound too weird. But thats probably just me at the moment. lol. anywho. But I have to say I have felt just like this a few times and would rather have people tell me things to my face than doing something else that would hurt worse. So yea this was something that wasn't (haha wasn't there's another example) so long so that was a nice change. Anywho that's all for now.
I really like this! I like how you take all these examples of horrible things that no one would ever want to hear and they'd be better than nothing, or being told "it's not you, it's me". A reason, however hurtful, is better than silence and wondering. Wondering can drive a person mad. Great write. Traci :)