Description: Yeah, I guess this is kind of autobiographical. A bit anyway. I'm slowly learning a few things, and this year is making it easier to do that. You know, with no parents hovering over.....that week at home was hard. And if anyone has a suggestion for a title, it would be amazing. It can't stay "untitled" forever.
The greatest treagedy is to never live
To always look behind
Until the tiger appears in front of us
To always wonder what was missed
Whilst protecting ourselves
From the pains that we have once felt
And will feel again
Human suffering, a never-ending condition
One which cannot be cured by modern medicine
A soul once shut out the world
And is slowly letting it back in
One experience at a time
Learning that pain is part of being humman
For feeling pain means that life goes on
The once lost soul is slowly moving forward
Learning to accept life for what it is
And little by little fights back against
Oppression of who we really are
This is a really heartfelt piece, one that I'm sure is close to your heart. Please take any critquing on a strictly literary level.
It seems to me that your focus is drifting about a bit. If we break the piece into smaller sections, I think that's more obvious.
The greatest treagedy is to never live
To always look behind Until the tiger appears in front of us
To always wonder what was missed Whilst protecting ourselves From the pains that we have once felt And will feel again
So far, we're on the theme of that greatest tragedy.
Human suffering, a never-ending condition One which cannot be cured by modern medicine
This is a bit different, kind of hanging out there
A soul once shut out the world And is slowly letting it back in
One experience at a time
Learning that pain is part of being humman For feeling pain means that life goes on
The once lost soul is slowly moving forward Learning to accept life for what it is And little by little fights back against Oppression of who we really are
This last part is about the one lost soul.
I don't think this needs much of a change at all. All it needs is something to clarify where your thinking about the tragedy philosophically and where you're showing the example. It might be as simple as a single line break between the two major parts.
IT'S GRRRRRRRRRRREEEAAATTT! No really it was ausome and a good way to start off my potry reading cuz i havn't read a whole lot latley keep on writing liam!
This is a good expression of feelings. I like that it speaks of life and how one learns as you experience things. A couple of spelling errors noted in this, 'tragedy' in the first line and 'human' only has one 'm'. I always notice spelling errors in a poem as the words are all we have so I feel spelling is important. Errors seem to take away from the impact of the write. I also think you should give this a title. It adds character and a general theme but also adds significance to the write, but that is just my opinion. Otherwise I think this is a good realization poem. Take care.
Hello. If i have one comment, it would be the random use of the '-ing.' In line eight, you have 'suffering' and 'ending' close together. When we rhyme, we do so for a reason, but everybody seems to forget that 'ing' rhymes with 'ing', so an unintentional (and easy) rhyme makes its way into our work. It can sound very clunky, and does so in this piece.
In saying that, i love the human suffering cannot be cured by modern medicine image. Very strong.
Very short and sweet, I like the fact that it didn't drag on.
"The greatest treagedy is to never live" I completely agree! A person should be made to stop and look at the world around themselves. We too often get wrapped around our own desires that we forget to look up and around. "To always look behind" Look behind yourself? What are you looking at/for? The footprints behind you? "Until the tiger appears in front of us" The tiger of death and uncaring...interesting... "To always wonder what was missed" When ever I miss something, it makes me dissapointed in myself. Yes, I wonder what I missed too. Apearantly you wonder too. "Whilst protecting ourselves" We protect ourselves from...what exactly? Fate? "From the pains that we have once felt" Do you not feel that 'pain' anymore? I have a theory...I won't tell you what it is yet...
That's all I have time for today, I might come back and pick up where I left off. But since I am risking my neck to just post this...
Anyways; thank you for sharing this very pretty poem with me and I'll most likely be back! Have fun and have a nice day!
Submission Name: untitled
