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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Blue Doordots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 136/243/156
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 931
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 696



    Description:
       the blue door is a symbol for ?...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Blue Doordots
    -------------------------------------------


    It was the mood of early evening,
    of broken moon across the glass,
    it was the time of lust and yearning,
    when I would close your tired eyes,

    when light would flicker on your eyelids,
    burning away the other end,
    when you would shift and then, subsiding,
    the smell of smoke would fill my hands.

    And I would finger it and open
    my palms to let it quietly go
    to ride into the sloping autumn
    and crash under the folly snow.

    I left you sleeping, insecure,
    blue doors were slammed into the skies,
    I went through one of them, so sure,
    tonight, we said enough goodbyes.




    Submitted on 2005-10-17 07:54:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, I've come to read this as requested; the personal censor is here! No real spelling issues in this one, so this is all going to be dedicated to stylistic and grammar thoughts.

    To begin with, you've chosen some interesting choices of capitalization. Your very first word of the poem is capitalized, and then after that, you choose to only capitalize the letter "I." I would suggest that you capitalize the beginning of each verse in this piece; it would help to refocus the reader's attention in on the new stanza.

    Another thing that you've done is to put a comma at the end of nearly every line. This is very nearly detrimental to the piece, as each time you stop, you lose some of the feeling, some of the emotions that you're feeling, and that you (being the author) have put into the piece. Step back and take another look at where you might actually want the reader to pause and think about what has already happened, and to think about what the scene is; what everything appears to be, what everything truly is, and to think a little bit more on the imagery.

    By the way, you've done a beautiful job with the imagery in this piece. By the time you had gotten to the blue door that you are talking about in this piece, I could almost reach out and touch it. I could easily see the snowy hillsides, so nicely done. Whatever you do, don't lose that feeling, and that level of emotion when you go back to do edits.

    However, the imagery could become even more powerful if you were to work a little bit more on the flow. There are a lot of little couplets that work wonderfully together, and then when you go on to the next couplet, there is a new idea, and a new style to go with it. There needs to be more consistancy to keep everything together. Right now, that powerful imagery is being held back by your word choice. There is just something about the flow of syllables in some of the lines that pulls the reader out of the reverie that you have begun to draw them into. For example:

    And I would finger it and open
    my palms to let it quietly go
    to ride into the sloping autumn
    and crash under the folly snow.


    You could try changing that to:

    And I would finger it open
    my palms let it quietly go
    riding into the sloping autumn
    to crash under the folly snow.


    But even if you don't, just for experimentations sake, I would suggest trying to write a poem that doesn't use the words and, or but or anything else of that sort to tie it together. Just use the emotions that you are feeling to continually tie each line, each phrase, each stanza into a larger whole that makes the poem.

    I hope that all of this helps!
    ~Zylle
    | Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]
      very well written. i am very bad at figuring out things such as this.. but i really love the way it was written.
    very vivid.. very smoothly done.
    just flowed so well into the next part.
    very well done.
    something that for me was hard to be able to do, just write & have it come out so perfectly fit.
    it really reminds of a puzzle, put together all leading to some great answer.

    very mysterious,
    i hope to read more from you, i love you style.
    i got lost in your words trying to find the answer, you got my attention in such a powerful way. dragging me into the world & moment you where creating.
    ~jennifer


    | Posted on 2005-10-17 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    77873

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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