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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Greatest Story Ever Tolddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: frozenconscienc
    ASL Info:    17/f/md
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 91/55/13
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 878
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 745



    Description:
       I think I should change my rhyme scheme, because it's overused and boring. I dunno though, and this poem is from a couple months ago when I was dating someone and I was about to break up.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Greatest Story Ever Tolddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I woke up shameless today
    He whispers in my ear
    "Why don't we run away,
    get away from here"

    And so we talk of many dreams
    Of our risky lives to come
    It was foolish and so it seems
    Our plans were just plain dumb

    Shifty eyes traced one another
    For in their memory to hold
    They glanced at each other
    An icy glare so cold

    If only the dreams were true
    And their frown was a smile
    Maybe this would touch you,
    Grab you once in a while

    But like us all, this story ends
    No hollywood ending, but simply bold
    Unlike us all, with twists and bends
    The greatest story ever told.




    Submitted on 2005-10-17 19:14:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well I have mixed feelings here. First of all a very noble title for this poem. Kinda puts a lot of demand on this poem to be really outstanding. The poem itself is very simple and concise with a familiar rhyme which isnt bad but adds no uniqueness to the poem itself. I think you could spice this one up with some imagery or some descriptive qualities and more emotions. There really isnt anything here for the reader to grab onto and feel. But dont get me wrong, I like what you have here. It has the makings of a wonderful poem but it needs a little more something added to it. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      well the rhyming doesn't seem so creative. ive seen words put together like this before and its not forced at least but something new would of been better. i did like the idea but i think you could stretch it out more. personally, you did an okay job with the descriptive part but you could add more. emotions and maybe more scenery. if you know what i mean. hope that helps. lovely.

    -lado
    | Posted on 2005-10-20 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]


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