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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Warning Labeldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PsychoBabble214
    ASL Info:    18/female
    Elite Ratio:    4.52 - 103/109/29
    Words: 83
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 968
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 522



    Description:
       ....laying in bed, crying... for reasons that wont be mentioned, i got inspiration, pulled out a piece of paper and wrote by moonlight, tell me what you think...
    _Kat


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWarning Labeldots
    -------------------------------------------


    A scalding hot wave
    Rushes down my skin
    Empty my body
    Let the end begin

    Liquid emotion
    Leaves behind a trail
    Glazing over my eyes,
    An innocent- colored veil

    Lines of pain run down my body
    Burning my flesh, but no way to stop
    Ripping my shell, I melt away
    Hearing a thud as my skin drops

    I sought my release
    So I could stay sane
    But there should be a warning label
    Do not cry away your pain...




    Submitted on 2005-10-17 19:17:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was really good, you my dear are quick worded. "Liquid emotion" that is wonderful, that is the first time I've heard crying described like that. I know all I'm doing is repeating everyone else so let me try another approach.

    After reading it 4 times the message stays the same and that is rare. Usually the more you read a poem you start seeing other meanings that you had missed before. These words could be tricky but somehow you made them completely understandable. So now the question of your work comes:

    Why where you crying?

    Not my business but I am curious.

    I do like the word pattern quite a bit, very unique, to me anyway. Here is something no one else has said, did you know you can read the poem backwards and it still makes sense? That takes some skill, even though I'm sure it wasn't on purpose. Just add a couple of's and to's and you have another poem :)

    Do not cry away your pain
    there should be a warning label
    So I could stay sane
    I sought my release

    Hearing a thud as my skin drops
    Ripping my shell, I melt away
    Burning my flesh, but no way to stop
    Lines of pain run down my body

    An innocent- colored veil
    Glazing over my eyes
    Leaves behind a trail
    Of Liquid emotion

    Let the end begin
    To Empty my body
    Rushes down my skin
    A scalding hot wave

    What do you think?
    Yeah I know I'm strange, but that is just something people have to live with.

    Thank you for putting up with me,
    Matt
    | Posted on 2005-11-10 00:00:00 | by crowded_mind | [ Reply to This ]
      I am not sure if I ever have heard a cry described like this before...interesting and good. I thought you were talking about cutting at first, and I was going to have to give my NO CUTTING spiel...cause ya know this is a NO CUTTING ZONE btw-hahaha-anyway yes this was real good and I thought it was damn original...you should lay in the same spot again and try to write-I'll bet only good things come from it wether or not the words be great doesn't really matter it's the satisfaction and bliss and contentment that comes from the writiing.-just like crying-weird huh?

    LT
    | Posted on 2005-10-24 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, a very nice description of crying, you certainly paint an emotional picture.

    The use of "innocent-colored" was very innovative, I liked that a lot. In short pieces, every word should count, and that phrase conjures up such a lot.

    Really impressive, I liked this lots.

    Be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      i think again you have a great use of words. 4 stanzas yet alot said in them. the mood well sullen and sometimes creeped out but interested. i like that part liquid emotion, i think that is very cool. well done ,

    ~mike

    hmmm now looking down i like doing after to see how much another person's comment has on me well the dropping thud i suppose maybe another sound would be more horrifying: squish, slosh, etc
    | Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      i'll be honest i had to read this a couple times and both times the line 'hearing a thud as my skin drops' sortof made me come to a halt...i think the picture of emotion that you are displaying here is well done. i like how the comparison is made...how tears are so much more than jsut tears. how so much goes through your mind in the midst of emotion. but also how crying doesn't solve anything. a very worthwhile topic and good write. there's only that one little part that i didn't quite catch on to.

    -tracy
    | Posted on 2005-10-17 00:00:00 | by chalky | [ Reply to This ]


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