Description: I haven't been online for ages, I haven't posted anything on this site for a long time. This poem is inspired by the great russian writers I've read this summer. I've tried to put myself inside the head of a psychopat ready to turn in to a murderer. I tried to capture that exact moment when the final decision is made. Don't know if you'll like the topic but maybe you'll apreciate the tehnical part...
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Lucidity wagers under constant pressure
And dreams shatter over thought
After the mind reaches a state of perpetual fluctuation
Consistency looses all sense
Broken spasms seem to alter eternity
The wingtip renders the wing futile
It’s a concentration of devious feelings and thoughts
That won’t let you penetrate your own spider web
Spun between you and direct life
You’re trapped in a silent bar filled with mimes
Where every handshake is obstructed by surgical gloves
Reason wraps reality into a cocoon of meaning
That blocks all feelings and sensations alike
Murder becomes mystery hanging under a dry branch
Jumping wishes bite out of the carcass of your dreams
And the moon winks as to imply an invisible partner
Howling stops being a form of escape
As being leaves flesh through sound no more
Ghosts of past murder seem to flock around you
The corner of your eye becomes the centre of your vision
Heavy thoughts levitate around that ultimate feeling
And you’re left with a sharp blade in your hand
Ready to cut reality’s veil apart
"Where every handshake is obstructed by surgical gloves"
best line hands down. i felt a little hannibal in there just a little . the title was great. had nothing in my mind that connected it to the poem till i was done reading it but great.
I enjoyed all of the different action words in this that kept the pace running along nicely. An interesting perspective, no doubt; I wonder though, why you choose YOU instead of something elts. I think it distances the reader from the point of view you were trying to convey; but perhaps it's just me.
This isnt a bad look into the psychopath at all. you have several lines that express that mindset perfectly, the only thing is I feel theres a lot of "poetic" (read: wordy) lines in between those perfect ones.
Lines I loved:
Where every handshake is obstructed by surgical gloves
And the moon winks as to imply an invisible partner.
Still really good though.
Josh
I have to agree with His goth child. To me it sounded more of depression and suicide also. From the movies and books I've read, including some Russian books, I do not get the feeling that this is their perspective at all. From what I've learned there's three kinds of killers: the psychopaths, the professionals, and the amateurs that kill only a few times and are deadly scared each time. Your work comes closest to the psychopath, but it's too thought out and not perverse enough if you're able to understand what I am trying to convey.
For attempting to put your self into the place of a psycopath, you actually did ok. i have seen bettere though. You made it sound more like an attempt to break away from depression,and while reading suicide did come to mind. to make it sound more like a psyc try shortening the lines,and adding an appereance of voices in the head. the shortened lines, make it read faster which makes it seem more like the thoughts of a psyc, and voices could be put as arguments with himself, like going back and forth ovwer an issue. to maybe of put the final moment, it could have been something creepy like, here i come world, or somebody waking the person from their sleep and he jumps them or somethin, get what im sayin? but pretty good.
This write is perfect I know you and I are not psychopats but you my friend really captured the mind of one with this Extremely well done Great Job Your Friend Ron
This is an interesting write. The title pulled me in with curiosity to see what this was about. Not really what I expected but not at all disappointed either. This is nicely written with great descriptive qualities. I think you have done a good job of capturing this moment in a psychopaths mind, although I dont know how a psychopath actually thinks, this is a challenging write to pen. Very well written and expressed and you have stepped into this deranged mind very well with wonderful descriptive qualities throughout this write. Take care!
i love the word perpetual... perpetual edge... anyways about the poem. i dig it. majorly. its very abstract thought. it contains obvious yet elusive points about the way things are..lovely lovely lovely
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