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A Life for a Coin(revised)


Author: iHaveNoName323
ASL Info:    23/M/NC
Elite Ratio:    5.6 - 37 /37 /26
Words: 127
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 968
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 871



Description:


this is a poem written to express my feelings on the political agenda in a certain war.


A Life for a Coin(revised)



the king of ignorance,
was a greedy man,
he sent the simpletons to die,
so he could bask in glory,
but to the intelligent,
the truth was clear,
all he really wanted,
was that of wealth,

he basked in his power,
to send people to their death,
so in turn,
he could produce,
a liquidized coin,
what a trade indeed,
a life for a coin,

the other kings became disgruntled,
they all soon opposed,
but not openly so,
and the people died,
so this king of the blind,
could produce his small liquid discs,

and here we sit,
amid ourselves,
crying the tears,
of those lost to produce this disc,
the coin of greed,
a symbol of tyranny,
that none would openly oppose




Submitted on 2005-10-18 12:05:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  good grief i think Icarus andsomeones Epiphany sed it ALL! 'course they can't tell u wether I like it or not so i'll tell u:
i love this poem!
i really like the last...stanza?...i like it wat ever u call it.
i think ur def. rite about no one openly opposing us
they're too scared!
this is a Good poem!
i m glad i m stalking u! ;)
| Posted on 2005-10-19 00:00:00 | by lastdragon | [ Reply to This ]
  my first thing would be to say you need to put your stuff through a spell check... there are way too many spelling errors in here and while many wont notice or care i found it really off putting... if you make the effort to have correct spelling, as far as possible, then it just gives your write more credibility...

i think also you dont need all the comma's... you could prolly do away with most of them actually...

i like the point you make in this write
a life for a coin... a coin for a life...
i think when writing political pieces it can be hard to find a balance... one either tends to go WAY over the top or to understate their point so as not to trample on toes... you seem to have found some kinda balance between the two here and i commend you for that...

you leave room for interpretation here but not so much that the reader isnt aware of exactly who you are talking about and what the war is...

i think... well... not being from america i have seen this war somewhat from a different perspective... we have seen it portrayed by the media from all different angles... we have seen innocent ppl dead in the streets while within america it would seem has only seen their valiant soldiers who are fighting this war and the good they have done... nothing of the pain they have caused and lives they have ripped apart... i guess though that the media has the power to make ppl see only what they want to see... its rather sad really

anyways... im gonna stop now but yeah... this is a very challenging write... thought provoking anyways... i, again, commend you for your ability to find a balance in this write... well done
| Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  It's good that you didn't make it too obvious, you tried subtlety and turned it into a fable which is one of the best ways to write about politics without sounding unbearably preachy.

However, I think you repeated the words "coin" and "ignorant" a little too often, a little variation would liven things up a bit. And maybe a couple of full stops in the middle somewhere wouldn't go amiss.

That said it's your poem so feel free to ignore me.

Thanks for sharing,

Icarus.

p.s.
"ingnorance"
I love irony in satire.
| Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]


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