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A Poem On Loan


Author: Car va g o
ASL Info:    35/M/NY
Elite Ratio:    7.84 - 180 /185 /45
Words: 181
Class/Type: Poetry /Passion
Total Views: 1309
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1299



Description:




A Poem On Loan



blackness
paused,
with the slither
of light
from a parting
door;

with words unspoken,
lend me
your mysteries
like a Van Gogh
on loan

in my palms
I’ll cup them,
with my eyes
to undress them

so that letter
by letter
I’ll decrypt them,
revealing the hidden curves
of your mind

painting both Eden and Ark
where dissident souls
can stow away.

to undress
the rose
without sacrificing
the petals

by swimming
down its shaft,
into its heart
and pulse at its pace

feeling what it is
to be
beautiful
from the inside out

in your words I will swim
like a blue whale
from one end
to the next
drinking the flavor of
your thoughts-

sipping your darkness
as I would
hot tea
its warmth soothing
through my chest

until I am
the leaves
untouched
from the branches

waiting to be
picked,
dried ,
steeped,
and drunk
once more




Submitted on 2005-10-18 15:27:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I am sorry but contrary to the advice , which is ''Think Feedback more than Compliments '
I just cannot findd aything to suggest that could improve this beautifully written , expresssive poem. You will just have to accept my compliments...I love it (i have melted to a puddle of emotion) you have a unique talent
| Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by ertha | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a really well written and expressed poem. It is soft and gentle yet full of passion and emotions. The words are beautifully descriptive and I love the references to the rose, the most beautiful and dignified of all the flowers. It adds so much to this poem and the way you have with words is exceptional. This was a pleasure to read. An excellent poem! Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  blackness
paused,
with the slither
of light
from a parting
door;

with words
unspoken,
lend me your mysteries
like a Van Gogh on loan


~

in my palms
I’ll cup them,
and with my eyes
undress them

so that letter
by letter
I’ll decrypt them,
revealing
the hidden curves
of your mind

painting both Eden
and the Ark,
where dissident souls
can stow away


~

to undress the rose
without
sacrificing
the petals

by swimming
down its shaft,
and into
the heart
and pulse
at its center

feeling what it is
to be beautiful
from the inside
out


~

in your words I will swim
like a blue whale
from one end
to the next

drinking
the flavor
of your thoughts;
sipping your darkness
as I would
herbal tea

its warmth
exploding
through
my chest


~

until
I am the leaves
untouched
from the branches;

waiting to be
picked,
dried,
steeped,
and drunk
once more


Goddamit! I had this big huge critique for you then Mozilla had to fry on me. So there goes that out the window.

I brushed up on a few things here - typo's like "pedal" (I'm sure you meant "petal"), wrong use of "it's" in three places I noticed, and the capitalization of "Ark". Little things that are anally retentive, but hey, if it helps a poem then why the hell not, right?

I did my usual thing and went nutty on the formatting. If you look and count closely you'll notice my mirror stanza formatting - 6 4/4 6 4/4 6 4/4 6 4/4 6 - yes, it was a bi.tch to do, but I think that it's worth it. And I italicized every end stanza as well, as it seems to bring more emphasis to these words.

I only present a revision that you may like or most probably will not like. But the decision is up to you whether you will take it or not. Just another way to look at it, right?

I like your analogies of poems as Van Gogh's on loan. And roses and hot tea fits in quite well in your closing stanzas. You even threw in a reference to swimming in words like a blue whale - very nice.

There are references to decrypting poems on a metaphorical level - something that we have discussed in messages just recently. It's one of the reasons I chose to comment on this actually. That, and the fact that I like this, pure and simple.

You may have noticed I did a few word substitutions. Nothing major... just trying to help the flow a bit. But as I've said, take what you like and ditch the rest. I'm only going with what I think works better here.

Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2005-10-19 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  i love this...
to me it is a love affair with a poem...
for me this is the essence of poetry...

when i was away earlier this year i was staying in this tiny nowhere town and i was going insane due to lack of poetry and so i joined the library to find they had not a single poetry book... when i drove for an hour to a 'town' i found one poetry book in their library and what you describe in your write here is exactly the motions it seemed i went through savouring every moment... do i sound insane?
LOL

this really is a tender beautiful write... your imagery is synonymous with that of a lover... the gentle exploration and the quiet getting to know each others that are hidden just beneath the lines and images of this write...

i LOVE the van gogh on loan image... in a piece ive written in the last month or three i wrote as if stuck in a salvador dali painting... i am in love with the use of known art/ists in poetry... ugh!

thank you for the loan of your poem...
beautiful write!
| Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  this is beautiful the intimate times in a relationship, so many times we right about the horid times, bu you chose the beauty and magical essence of passion. This is so georgeous and is definitly a favorite.

to undress the rose
without sacrificing the pedals

these two lines are wonderful and could speak for them selves, they just show the respect and love between two people, the knowlege of each other and the confort each gain, a line that should be qouted for a respect topic,

this poem is wonderful, and I don't really have any suggestions, I was wondering though were this idea came from and how you have learned to write so wondrfully, I fell my writing is stuck in the same pattern ad metaphors, would you be willing to help? Anywya great write.
much love
kaity
| Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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