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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Soul of the Underdogdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: josymanthegreat
    ASL Info:    21/m/GA from Puerto Rico
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 337/364/104
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 736
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 534



    Description:
       I dont know why I wrote this just kinda yeah felt like it please comment on this cuz it means a lot to me


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Soul of the Underdogdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Look at me, yes look closely
    Look at the intensity
    The fire within
    The cry of those who never quits
    Ones that go against all odds
    Ones that everyone says their beaten but no
    They dont understand
    When the odds are a million to one
    That it is meant for them to lose
    That theyve been a tool in use
    But no they endure all adversity
    Cant lose win is a necesity
    In this eyes you have seen the soul
    The soul of the underdog






    Submitted on 2005-10-18 15:52:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Smoldering. I dig that about this. There is an anger here but it never cheapens itself to loose and wild rage. Very nice. A very possitive message to those who are just plain screwed but aren't going to stand down.

    One very little suggestion on the last two lines:

    "In these eyes you have seen a soul
    The soul of an underdog."

    Personal prefrence I guess, but it seems more powerful to me this way. It points out a spasific connection with the reader, a sort of "we have been here togeather" that's a difficult connection to make in poetry though one of its highest aims.

    On the mechanics, it's a pet peve of mine that not everyone agrees with but PUNCTUATE! It has a good flow to it but I keep catching myself going back a line or two to see if the voice in my head is saying it right.

    A few little grammer items here and there otherwise but very solid. I like this very much.
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a lovely poem with a wonderful message. You have expressed yourself so well with this poem. It speaks of inner strength and character which is admirable. A few minor punctuation errors noted here but nothing really major. The message behind these words is really what matters. Others have directed you in the right direction with the corrections so I wont go there. I have lots of respect for the underdogs in our world. They rise above all that counts against them and so often they come out on top. A strong will and determination is what the possess and that is truly admirable. A wonderful poem. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-10-22 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the message. The underdog is really the strong one and those who belittle him/her are weak. My favourite line is the opening. Someones Epiphany has made some interesting changes, although, I'm not sure you need to change to he when one leaves the persona's gender open to interpretation. Male/female. Moreover, Someones Epiphany has not really edited this and I would suggest this poem would be a lot more effective with a little editing for punctuation and spelling.

    don’t, they’ve and can't are all abrevations and there is a misspelling in necessity.

    Still these are minor details really and this was a nice write, please stay in touch
    Comradenessie
    | Posted on 2005-10-19 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      your message is great!
    it really is...
    the underdog isnt really such an underdog at all... usually a person who is referred to as such is much more stronger than anyone i know... and you have put it aptly... facing adversity head on... determination to succeed even if what it is they want to achieve seems small and insignificant in the eyes of others...

    as for your writing itself... i think you need to change or think about a wee few things...

    you start of 'look at me' but then later on you are talking about 'them'... i think you need to work out whether you want this to be a personal you are the underdog kinda write or whether you want to talk about them being the underdog but you need to choose one or the other i think...

    i think also you need to give more thought to your punctuation... just to make the whole write more easily understood the way you want it to be... there are natural emphasis throughout the words where comma's etc would fit well... ill try show you this... but this is just my interpretation and you dont have to agree with or do anything with it...

    Look at me, yes look closely
    Look at the intensity,
    The fire within.
    The cry of those who never quits,
    Ones that go against all odds,
    Ones that everyone says their beaten but no...
    They dont understand.
    When the odds are a million to one,
    That it is meant for them to lose,
    That theyve been a tool in use
    But no! they endure all adversity
    Cant lose, win is a necesity.
    In this eyes you have seen the soul
    The soul of the underdog.

    theres an idea for punctuation and well... if what i have put here is how you have meant it to be and say what you mean it to say theres a few words i would look at cutting out that dont add to the piece... that the meaning could still clearly be found if they werent there...
    now again i say that these are just my ideas and really you dont have to do anything with them... its just giving you a chance to see another way of working the write and its easier for me to do it this way than try explain it and confuse both of us LOL!

    Look at me, yes look closely
    at the intensity,
    The fire within.
    The cry of he who never quits,
    he who goes against all odds,
    who everyone says is beaten but no...
    They dont understand.
    When the odds are a million to one,
    That he is meant to lose,
    That he has been a tool in use
    But no! he endures all adversity
    he cant lose, to win is a necesity.
    through his eyes you have seen the soul -
    The soul of the underdog.

    i really hope you dont mind all my suggestions and one last time i just wanna say you dont have to do anything with them at all.
    i really like the message you are trying to get across in this write and the end is so triumphant. well done!
    | Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      oh wow, such a powerful and stong messgae that everyone must hear. This poem needs to be shared with far more people, for I beleive that everyone has challenges in their lives that oo many beleive can't be overcome, or who refuse to beleive in themselves, in this society we have to start promoting self respect and self fullfillment no matter what our odds are. I beleive that people who over come challenges though never should forget the past, do have a better appreciation for the world. And maybe to those people the world is just that much more beautiful, your poem is soo true that the soul of a rising underdog is beautiful, and something that the world needs to help nurture and not turn away form, for in the end we are all equal, we are just all humans in need of love and compasion,

    You poem itself is concise and does get the meanings out there. I would suggest going back and adding commas, because sometimes the words get jumbled:

    "Cant lose win is a necesity"
    adding a comma after lose would clarify it, and there are a couple other spots in the pem like this.

    Overall great write and great poem, chin up and keep smiling.
    much love
    kaity
    | Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]


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