Drunks by honus

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Drunks dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	honus
Elite Ratio:	4.78 - 90/96/32
Words:	78

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	618
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	633

Description:

Drunks

-------------------------------------------

They are all of them
drunks,
those THINGS you admire,
drunken
on wine,
on anger,
on misery.
They are all of them
drunks,
drunken
on life,
on women,
on men,
drunken
on pills,
on love,
on hatred.
They are all of them
drunks,
drunken
on murder,
on death,.
on dying
Sick with it,
blind with it,
wide mouthed jars
filled to the rim
spilling out

nothing,

splattering their fists
against the air.

Submitted on 2005-10-18 18:35:20 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I like your saccadic (rapid-eye) technique here - it works well for this piece as you read downwards staccato and machinegun-like as another commenter said. As does your repetition of the lines -

They are all of them
drunks,
drunken
on...

- followed by what you wrote afterwards. Yea, it makes a lot of sense to me.

I get a feeling of washed-out bitterness... despondency with a touch of anger. I dunno, that's just what I read from this piece. Nothing constructive to say, just my opinion on why this works.

Peace,
Jase
| Posted on 2005-10-19 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  Ithink a clever poem is one where the title lends itself to one line of thought and the poem lends itself to another, so it becomes a surprise to read.

So great title

Don't know why you caps THINGS
pretty obvious whatyou are talking bout and makes it seemlike you are clamuring for attention or something

Seems to me youare talking about the nothingness of our obsessions in life,maybe you used the language of cliché a bit as you get to the end love, hatred, murder, death, etc - they are such tired words and are rendered almost useless. Some of them are also a bit out of our experience, since not sop many of us murder

I really like the last line though - splattering their fists against the air - drunks are so pathetic
| Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]
  whoa great power there in your unusual choice of form. kind of rattles off at you like a machine gun. or spews from the mouth like the drunkards themselves. there's a strong sense of scorn and disgust but also a more sensitive, insightful interpretation which applies to the hopelessness of the human nature in doing little more to help its sick social situation than wallowing in self-pity and destruction. the refrains are effective and provide a sense of structure as is the repetition and word-play.
| Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by infernal_rose | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

78046

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.