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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Drunksdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: honus
    Elite Ratio:    4.78 - 90/96/32
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 596
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 633



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDrunksdots
    -------------------------------------------


    They are all of them
    drunks,
    those THINGS you admire,
    drunken
    on wine,
    on anger,
    on misery.
    They are all of them
    drunks,
    drunken
    on life,
    on women,
    on men,
    drunken
    on pills,
    on love,
    on hatred.
    They are all of them
    drunks,
    drunken
    on murder,
    on death,.
    on dying
    Sick with it,
    blind with it,
    wide mouthed jars
    filled to the rim
    spilling out

    nothing,

    splattering their fists
    against the air.





    Submitted on 2005-10-18 18:35:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like your saccadic (rapid-eye) technique here - it works well for this piece as you read downwards staccato and machinegun-like as another commenter said. As does your repetition of the lines -

    They are all of them
    drunks,
    drunken
    on...

    - followed by what you wrote afterwards. Yea, it makes a lot of sense to me.

    I get a feeling of washed-out bitterness... despondency with a touch of anger. I dunno, that's just what I read from this piece. Nothing constructive to say, just my opinion on why this works.

    Peace,
    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-10-19 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Ithink a clever poem is one where the title lends itself to one line of thought and the poem lends itself to another, so it becomes a surprise to read.

    So great title

    Don't know why you caps THINGS
    pretty obvious whatyou are talking bout and makes it seemlike you are clamuring for attention or something

    Seems to me youare talking about the nothingness of our obsessions in life,maybe you used the language of cliché a bit as you get to the end love, hatred, murder, death, etc - they are such tired words and are rendered almost useless. Some of them are also a bit out of our experience, since not sop many of us murder

    I really like the last line though - splattering their fists against the air - drunks are so pathetic
    | Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]
      whoa great power there in your unusual choice of form. kind of rattles off at you like a machine gun. or spews from the mouth like the drunkards themselves. there's a strong sense of scorn and disgust but also a more sensitive, insightful interpretation which applies to the hopelessness of the human nature in doing little more to help its sick social situation than wallowing in self-pity and destruction. the refrains are effective and provide a sense of structure as is the repetition and word-play.
    | Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by infernal_rose | [ Reply to This ]


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