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    dots Submission Name: unwanted liedots

    Author: my pain
    ASL Info:    16/F/aust
    Elite Ratio:    5.55 - 191/123/39
    Words: 76
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 881
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 544

       What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?

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    dotsunwanted liedots

    Desparatly i blocked my mind, built barriers,
    against every undermined word...
    Counting the dead in my mind, dazed,
    By the truth of the rejected, unwanted lie.
    Reaching the depth of my deepest fear.
    Your abnormal voice, wispered forever,
    in my endless mind, as my pain rang.
    With certainty, of the losses i can never regain.
    My love for you had shined brigh, for all to see,
    Now it hides invadingthe hushing words,
    ...........................of everyone's unwanted lie.

    Submitted on 2005-10-21 04:20:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This was good...very simple idea and yet so very realistic. I think maybe if there was a little more detail it would be awesome but this is great as is. I loved your last line and the periods helped make it bolder...this was a good title and overall was a very nice write. Very well written...keep writing and I hope to read more from you soon.
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      really like the punctuation at the end, helps emphasise the last, excellent line

    can relate well, shows how the simplest of layouts can be the most effective
    | Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by why bother | [ Reply to This ]
      the very last line was a good one. everyone has an unwanted lie.
    building walls can sometimes be the easiest thing to do, but the hardest to endure. nice piece... i can relate...
    | Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by LoneWolf | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this. It is simplistic and yet gets the point across very eloquently. If the lines were spaced differently then it would seem like lyrics. I know not many people like to be told how to write but if you put the important words at the end and break thebasic patern it emphisises them more but it is great any way good job
    | Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by The_Angelic_Dea | [ Reply to This ]
      A bit to depressive for me... but good writing.
    You hold this feeling all the way through the poem.
    The title fitts to the contence.
    | Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by Kwanying | [ Reply to This ]

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