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Finding Acceptance

Author: lmz
ASL Info:    51/female/USA
Elite Ratio:    8 - 3433 /1529 /86
Words: 306
Class/Type: Prose /Longing
Total Views: 3241
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 2072


Finding Acceptance

Walking along a sandy wooded trail,
late summer sunshine her only companion,
offers no assistance in carrying the
immense weight of sadness upon her shoulders.
Passing by an open meadow, as she has
many times in previous months,
today is different.
She feels an unexplainable yearning.
The meadow seems to whisper to her.
The forest's surroundings, her only comfort,
she hesitates, intimidated
by the open airy space.
Taking a deep breath, she wanders in.
Her floral sundress leaves her legs uncovered,
thin blades of overgrown grass itch her skin,
as it sways in the soft breeze.
Thoughts of grief become overwhelming,
she falls to her knees. Inauspicious clouds
obscure the warmth of the sun's smile.
She feels cold, not from the darkening above, but,
from emptiness. She looks up into the once
content sky, now frowning with ashen face.
She begins to cry.
Tears streaming in a torrent of despair,
the sky opens to her, pouring down
its own sorrow. Heaven's tears blend
with her own, becoming one of the same.
She feels the rain cascading down her face,
tickling her cheeks. Her clothing drenched,
clinging tightly to her delicate frame.
It is a comforting feeling, like the heavens
are holding her tightly in its arms.
Strengthened by this sensation,
she rises to her feet, wiping tears
from her weary eyes.
The rain dissipates, brisk wind pushes away
the anguish filled clouds, allowing
warm rays of healing. She feels this first,
upon her face, swiftly encompassing
her entire existance. She feels different inside.
A sense of calmness, an inner peace. Now aware
that his presence has never really left her.
Even in death, he holds her heart and soul
in his loving hands.
She no longer feels alone.

Submitted on 2005-10-21 09:33:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Lorna, this is absolutely beautiful. Not only a beautiful, touching story, but beautiful poetry!

A verse from my poem "Leave Not In Sorrow" complements your lovely poem:

"God sees our
And gives
a gift
of character
Only to those
Who have

The finest character
Is gleaned
And the greatest
the deepest loss;"

| Posted on 2006-11-02 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
  Uh, she was wiping 'tears mixed with raindrops' wasn't she. That's what I saw.

I knew if I kept reading your stuff I'd get to like it. This is one wonderful mix of words that in a dictionary are just some words, but here on the page they become a living breathing person.

If this is yourself you are talking about, my opinion of nurses has just changed. For the better, I might add.

Hey, yesterday I wrote a poem and I couldn't think of a name so I just called it 'A Poem"


| Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]
  Very good write. Although I have not read any of the other million comments on this poem, I think that every thing that I want to say is said. I must tell you though that I liked what you have written a lot. I can tell that you spent a lot of time on it and despite the fact that it is a bit lenghty, it is still very powerful and interesting. Keep it up
Thanks for sharing
| Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is so amazing. This is how many feel, as though He may have forgotten about us, yet he seems to remind us he's around in the funniest, yet most comforting ways. Life seems to bring us down, though we have to understand that this is an earthly sadness, and if we focus on what's above, we'll be healed. This is a perfect description of that. Thank you for the smile.

*bunches of hugs*

| Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by SouthrnQT | [ Reply to This ]
  A very sad piece for sure, but one which for me anyway had a happy ending. Well, if not a happy ending at least a positive one.
| Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem is very vivid, great imagry, I could feel the grass itching my skin, the clouds sheilding the sun I could feel it too! you have done wonderful here. And I am sure you have heard it all before in these comments before me! I cant wait to finally catch one of your poems and be the first or even second to comment on it!~~tracy :)
| Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by tmullins | [ Reply to This ]
  A true tale of perseverance. Although i have not lost anyone really close to me in that way in death, but i have felt loss at one time, as we all have. I know the feeling of walking through the same old place, but then just one day, the surroundings sort of call to you. Where the same old things no longer look familiar. For some reason thats what i took from it. In the face of loss, things around you seem to change.
| Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by Visionary | [ Reply to This ]
  I think you must get more comments than anyone else on ES. It took me forever to scroll down here, LOL

I really liked this one. It brought back personal memories of doing almost exactly this. Change the sex of the pronouns and you've nearly described an afternoon in my life, soon after my mother passed away. My tale is memorialized in my poem "Washed Clean". I think it contrasts nicely with this as how a man deals with the same fate.

I suppose there isn't a lot I can offer here. You've done a great job to begin with and you already have screenfuls of ideas. Any changes I might suggest would be only matters of taste and my personal biases. I could change it, but I could never improve it.

| Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  very vivid and sad, yet at the end it's comforting. You have done an excellent job with the imagery and the feelings here. I could see and feel the rain, and grass, I could feel her sadness and utter depression over the loss of her soulmate! great job!~~tracy
| Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by tmullins | [ Reply to This ]
Beautiful write of a tale so sad! It is grievance to lose one we love so much. Your poem has let us experience this lady's grief with her and her moment of healing. A wonderful piece indeed!

| Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by AlabamaFarmGirl | [ Reply to This ]

How beautiful! How Sad, yet ending on a note of renewal and affirmation.

This poem stirred up many emotions in me. The most powerful other than the sense of despair and emptiness, was an overwhelming warmth and empathy. I so wanted to be in that meadow and embrace that young kneeling woman and rock her in my arms and tell her that all is well, I am here! She is not alone!

The imagery is beautiful, creative and powerfully evokes the sense of despair and loneliness. The juxtaposition of natures beauty, color and life with the woman's inner grayness and death, works wonderfully. I was also struck by "she hesitates, intimidated by the open airy space." which would intensify her sense of total aloness in the world.

I think you also capture the way the world's appearance seems to change filtered by our internal moods.

If I chose the lines I love I would simply be copying your entire poem!!!

Like you, this poem is exquisitely beautiful ( I'm talking about your soul!)


P.S. Note the first commentor, besides being totally unimaginative has had 6 comments at most while you have 28 for this poem!!! Kinda speaks for itself!
| Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
  hey i sometimes feel like dat
i rite poems when im in that position and think ov God and i dont feel bad or the need 4 acceptence anymore cuz God only needs 2 accept me no one else
that was a goo one u spoke da feeling perfectly

memento mori
Darkness of the Grim Draco
| Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by darkness | [ Reply to This ]
  Whew! I FINALLY reached the comment box and now I forgot what the heck I was gonna say for crying out loud!

This was a very nice piece here Lorna. The sense of sadness and overwhelming pain that turned into acceptance at the end and the realization that just because someone is gone, doesn't mean that the love is gone-you really turned the poem around and I really loved it!
I loved how the tears from the heavens and her own became one in the same, that was a very nice touch in this piece and offered the moment of cleansing in a very beautiful way! Once again Lorna, you've written a lovely piece!

| Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow... I feel a sense of dajavu or something... this is a crazy good write... I can't even critisize it, I mean, there is no way to make it better, its very beautiful, you emotions were all captured very well in the imagery and detail you used, a professional writer on our hands or something.. you did an amazing job, and I am assuming I understand completely what this is about, obviously the mourning and acceptance of a lost one, very close, perhaps the person in your life you love the most. I'm very sorry for your loss. This is a beautiful piece... your emotions are well described.
| Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by ViCiOuSWrItEr | [ Reply to This ]
  This was really great. It is hard to come up with anything different that what has already been said to you. You have a great talent for poetry and I look forward to reading more of your work...


ps I read somewhere here you were into football... me too. I just love it! I play fantcy FB and things are looking good this week... I can't wait for the Dallas game tonight... GO COWBOYS!
| Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by mon28 | [ Reply to This ]
  ok, this poem has too many comments. I do not think i can say anything you have not heard lol soo i will say
passing by the medows. open arms to some fellows. skipping happily gay. just to pass the time away lol j/k

peace and be merry for the holidays
| Posted on 2005-11-06 00:00:00 | by dudethis | [ Reply to This ]
  WOw what a magnificent and powerful write...very sad indeed..yet the ending brings hope and a little calm and warmth...the whole piece is very descriptive and the images are a plenty...the feelings of the writer so easily conveyed...and it is even easier to empathise with her...or whom ever it is she writes about...i can say little more as it is just fantastic!
| Posted on 2005-11-04 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed the general feel of this poem, it brings out my sympathetic side.
Yes, I do believe the angels do cry each and every time mother nature allows the clouds to open and release it's contents upon us.
Our Lord is always with us in our times of pain and despair, to carry us in the palms of His hands until we are strong enough to continue walking on our own.
I especially liked your last line, "She no longer feels alone", this ties in with your title, "Finding Acceptance". With this new finding, you are able to continue on with your life, feeling loved and secure, until it is your time. We never really know when this will come, only assured it most certainly will happen.
God bless you, dear Lorna. I look forward to visiting your poems again. Your imagery of this love taken, and security and acceptance regained is outstanding.
Yvonne (dycrain)
| Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by dycrain | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi Lorna, you were right - these words do bring comfort to my heart, and for that, I thank you. I really do know in my heart that Jeremy would want me to be happy and to carry on, but sometimes, ya know?, that little nagging doubt turns into a huge monster of guilt that I am here still while he is not, its not right to bury your children, its just not natural...but I have to say that this poem pretty much describes what its like most of the time when you are coming out of one of those dark times Lorna. A sudden realization and sense of peace and knowledge comes over your being, and you realize that your love for another, and theirs for you, is eternal, and will reach out to you in your heartache and try to comfort you in some way. I also want to thank you for your support and friendship here, there are many of you who came to my rescue last week and I thank you all. Take care, cher.
| Posted on 2005-11-01 00:00:00 | by Inducted_Kitty | [ Reply to This ]
  You did a really good job here. Very deep and it really makes one think! Keep it up! Just a quick sugg. I think that I would add a few spaces exp. every 4-6 lines... it would please the eye more.

| Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by mon28 | [ Reply to This ]
  This was very spiritual and hauntingly emotional. I liked the connection of human emotion and nature and the great descriptions. Heaven's tears the rain - there's always hope with faith!
Love,Peace,Joy! tif
| Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm sorry, but some people are so rude. Trust me, we all get stuff like that around here. I like this piece. What struck me about this is that the "he" could be Christ or another figure who seems to be with her even though he is dead (like a sort of guardian angel). I like the tone of this; it's got a classic feel to it. This is just a peeve of mine, but I've always thought your skin itched, but things irritated your skin (or made it itch), not itched it. That's a small nit to pick though, Amy
| Posted on 2005-10-29 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  Since I have just experienced the death of someone close, it's amazing how we forget everything we know. Like a broken heart leaves us empty, the death of a loved one does the same. Only the pain is felt all over, it's as though the souls unspoken language takes precedence as it should. Even what we know and understand is forgotten as we grieve. But the rain is healing as you say, and we remember the Divine never left, it's only us that denies its presence for a time.

Beautiful job Lorna, thanks,

| Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  Omg Lorna ,
this is so beautiful , but also sad to have lost the love of her life Lorna , she feels her life is no more but yet she carrys his love in a heart and soul always , and that to have loved and been loved is better then never at all , because true love is truly what life is all about and what we all hope to find but i dont think we all do.
absoulutely stunning piece i could picture it as if i was there , i was hoping it to be a story as when something captures me like that i want to know more.
pure magic
take care
Elaine x
| Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by lainie75 | [ Reply to This ]
  Upon first reading this took me in...started to hauntingly remind me of an experience within my own life...upon reading further...understanding...then the one line...made tears well up...struck the heart..."Even in death, he holds her heart and soul
in his loving hands. "
change that to a her...and how I have never truly felt...alone...since...

A moving write of solitude and never ending love.
Simply beautiful.
| Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by MidnghtScorpion | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a poem about realizing that we are not alone, and that inner peace and healing comes from within and from what ever Higher Power you look up to. And that if we let go, and release and surrender ourselves, He will take the load gladly and build you back up to what you need to be. But we have to see the dark before the light to know the difference, and this poem it the speaks of that. It was like reading my diary, what a month for me! I know this feeling, and you captured it truly in it's rawest and most beautifil form. This was your best to me. I wouldn't change a thing. Excellent job Lorna!

| Posted on 2005-10-27 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  This piece brought me back to my high school days... not that long ago I swear!

I was part of the anti-socail nerdy crowd in high school. I never really hung out with anyone my days were spent longing for the end of the school day when I would be able to take glorious long walks in the forrest and meadows surrounding the school. Everyday I walked and daydreamed about having a "different" life... one filled with friends and family and unending parties and boyfreinds... I told you I was a nerd!

Everyday I walked to a meadow about 3 miles from the school, and everyday I prayed for God to strike me down in the center of the field just to end what I thought was an unendyingly bleat life...

This particular day was just like any other day as I kneeled in the tall grass in the center of my meadow. I prayed and prayed until I finnaly layed down and fell asleep. When I awoke I saw a deer about 10 yards away, just staring at me... This exact moment in my life changed everything. There was something in her eyes that allowed me to see the absolute beauty in everything around me. Everytime I see a deer now I have an unspoken kindred connection that lays in our eyes. I must have sat there for 20 min looking into her eyes... she gave me the courage to live my life.

I never again wished for death and learned to accept my life with all the beauty that I was blessed with.

Your poem is a true testiment to human strength perserverence, and courage. Let feeling of emptyness that consumes everyone at some point in their lives can be overcome just be seeing the beauty that lies in everyone and everything. Thank you for the reminder of God's greatest gift... Ourselves and the free will to live your life with blissfull happiness and contentment.

Thanks for the beautiful words of inspiration

| Posted on 2005-10-27 00:00:00 | by stormyskye | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, Lorna..I can see why you have so many comments on this one. It is outstanding. A beautiful tale of a saddened heart, filled with grief.. finding peace within. Your brief story was intriquing, descriptive and emotion packed.
For any who have ever lost a loved one to death this is a beautiful statement of how comfort comes to wash in a sense of peace.
A very enjoyable read.
| Posted on 2005-10-27 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]

I am very moved by this. This is ver real. The write takes me through the waves of grief and healing in a gentle way.

I know these feelings and feel them in your words.

Very, very, very nice.

Thanks for letting use share in this experience.

| Posted on 2005-10-27 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, I love this. The style has a natural flow, and less structured, like nature itself. It draws me in, and I have to stay there for the fantastic imagery that you caress into the structure with ease, and comfort. It's magnificent how you exaggerate, almost to the degree of hyperbole, but because of the tone, the changes in the weather and the mood relativley just seem natural.
| Posted on 2005-10-27 00:00:00 | by Tekin_Kashami | [ Reply to This ]
  Lady Lorna

The thing I enjoy about this piece is the change of the weather with the lady's mood. Its funny when I stop to think about the weather. When Im down the sky is gray and gloomy, and when Im all sunshine the sun is smiling as well. Maybe our moods are effected by weather or even better we control the weather with our moods...sorry rambling. This is a nice read...a lady swallowed by the feelings of emptiness walk through a meadow falls upon her knees seeking for help through tears. The weather blends with her emotions and then she realizes she is not alone...I like it. This is a comforting piece, very simple and easy to understand. I like the elaborate detail as she walks through the meadow...well done.

Later Days

PS read your journal and even though I absolutely detest football I found myself watching the chiefs and dolphins game. I knew chiefs were going to kick butt and I have a feeling they will beat the Patriots as well. How was the run by Holmes...amazing really. Anyways still dont like football but I watch it when my daddy turns to it. And even though Chiefs are doing good they are going to choke in the end like they always do. Sorry couldnt help myself after reading your journal.

Later Days

Basketball is better
| Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by fiery_eyes | [ Reply to This ]
  A strong piece, I'd take a look at imagery per line, and maintain a single thought per. "Itch" seems to stand out as too plain a word, where perhaps a balancing language could be useful. I did enjoy it a great deal. Thank you for sharing.
| Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
  Like I said; I found another great work, and WOW were there personal conotations here?
I got the sense of death also, but i was expecting a great white light into which she was carried away.
The next time I'm hunting wabbits I'm gonna stray far from them there MEADOWS with the tall grass.
But to a greater extent, my fasther-in-law died some seventeen years ago, and I sometimes sense his eyes watching me when I'm hunting in our old woods where he loved to be. Its spooky but I've always wondered, do they really leave us all alone?
Great writing Lmz, ever for a Packer fan! Hahaaaa!
| Posted on 2005-10-22 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
  So if I get this right this chick is like all upset traversing the local forest, gets to this meadow, starts crying and being all sad, then it starts to rain and all of a sudden she's feeling great.

All I've got left after reading this is my dishonest honesty.

Nice poem, want to
| Posted on 2005-10-22 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
  the rays of the sun touches my face. the pains of the burns forever aches. face is brighter then red. moments go by. i wish i was dead. for the pain intenses each minute. like there is no limit. the clouds then comes out. covers the warmth and wets my mouth. happily not saying ouch, lay tired from pain, on the couch lol

loved this poem my friend. acceptnace can come from anything. a simple reminder from the sun's rays that god gives can tell you. i am alive still for god gives me another chance and loves me still. is that close to what you telling? hit me back and let me know peace
| Posted on 2005-10-22 00:00:00 | by dudethis | [ Reply to This ]
  Well this was abosolutely beautiful and for some reason it reminds me of when my grandpa died. For a long time after he died my Grandmother would set a place for him at the table just as she had done for the past 60 years. So even in death he held her heart and I guess thats why this Prose reminds me of them.
Anyway it was very well written and a very enjoyable read.
| Posted on 2005-10-22 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
  Beautiful, passionate, meaningful! I loved it, especially the image of the rain being a cleansing agent, as if tenticles from heaven were holding her, soothing her, removing the pain and sorrow. I also liked the choice of a natural setting for this epiphany. It gives the whole image a feeling of reality.

Here are some suggestions:

L1 "wooded"
L2 Reverse the phrases.
L5 Drop "by". "the open"
L6 "previously"
L7 Add "she realizes"
L8 "unexplained"
L9 Drop "seems". "whispers"
L10 "surrounding forest"
L20 Drop "rather"
L31 Drop "the". "Heaven"
L32 Change "are" to "is".
L42 "His". Drop "really".
L45 "She is no longer...alone."

Just some thoughts I had. Do what you will with them. Loved this as you wrote it. Found it to be a very moving and sentimental piece of writing. Nicely done!

| Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  well Lorna I see you have gone down a different path here. a story in the third person narrative. now I have hesitations about digging into this like I do often, because this seems to be taken in a literal sense most of the time. I get a visual here that is very descriptive. L1 setting: her moving and location. L2 time. I’m not too sure if one could call that “companion” a personification perhaps you know that better than me. it does carry on into L3. L4 the introduction of her mood. L5 the open meadow…this seems like it could go deeper and have a more symbolic meaning to it, then again it could be just a meadow. L6 sets it up for L7. L7 “today it’s different” this is a grabber because it tells the reader that this is not just some walk in the woods. it’s different this time. I like that line a lot. I’ve used a similar “grabber” type phrase before “tonight it’s different” I don’t want to give the name of the piece, I don’t like to solicit works in other folks writes. but when those “hooks” are use in some cases it adds intensity to the write L8-L9 the whispering meadow has an eerie tone to it. It does make me want to go to the meadow to find out what is going on there. L10 this seems like it would have made me feel at ease for a second at least but it doesn’t something has been building for some time. L11-12 this sends a level of caution with a faint sense of danger. it does leave some of it up to the readers imagination. L13-16 I take it walking in the meadow area. L18-19 I like the weather correlation with the mood can be a simultaneous physical aspect or metaphor either way it’s very nice. L20-21 I like how you say its not from the darkening from above but a feeling inside that’s very good to reflect back to before (what was written) and add its “flavor” {if you will} to the write that’s just one facet of good writing skills. L21-22 now taken the sun’s smile personification and now the sky, frowning and also ashen face too that is a awesome addition there. L 23 I believe form reading this line here, moods and the weather events, they are in fact “doubled” as a metaphor and actual physical events. a testament to skill. L 24-28 this mutual relationship with the woman and the outside forces how they mimic each other is fascinating to read. all keeping in line with the observations of earlier lines. 28-39 the continuation of moods and more personifications. L 40 “existance” should be “existence” me thinks. 41-45 now we get to the “He” of the write it is written even in “death” one may think physical death or she may have a spiritual or emotional death. I guess it’s how you take it. I see God at the end but another may see something else.
overall: a great piece Lorna with well thought out lines. I’m sorry I shut off from going any deeper I just felt this wasn’t the write for that. excellent work! take care and stay happy!
| Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  I just want to say you catch emotions in such a good way that you make me cry, make me smile, make me laugh, and make me feel loved in your writtings... you trully catch my attention with this writting beacuse right now I am feeling like I am alone and like nobody is around and the only thing that helps out is the enviroment around me... the only prose I have read is yours and for good reason... It always shows me the way and it always tells me what should I do in a situation... in this one its telling me not to let my state right now depress me but to just move on beacuse down the line someone will be there for me... thanks a million for this

Jose J. Ortiz aka Josyman
| Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi Lorna,
This is a beautiful emotional write. She started off wanting to do something drastic but, "HE" reached out and embraced her. She overcame the low feeling and she rose up. All things are possible, and every wound of hurt can be healed.

I loved the way you described the scenery. I can picture it so vividly. The picture you submitted fit right with your write. This piece is a keepsake for me. Take care, wand
| Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by bigfineq | [ Reply to This ]
  This my friend really hit me

It carrys such a powerful message
I totally love this poem
It shows to me that no matter what A persons love for God will overcome all

I am adding this to my favorites
Again fantastic job
| Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  As a reader I felt that i was there walking along experiencing all this. You keep the readers attention at all times.

Yes, he is always there watching and waiting to be invited. Never trespassing on you.

Great write

Wisdom Seeker
| Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
  This is quite gorgeous and a wonderful read. i love the style, not so structured. I also enjoy how everything is connecterd to the sun the sky heaven, rain.. all the things above, like that is the highwe goal for us all to reach for the higher place, to reach for our goals. I love the part with the rain and her tears, I've been there and the feeling you describe could almost perfectly match what i was feeling, It is such a beautiful peice. My only suggestion is to read over the poem, and read it outloud I thnk there are some spots that could be expressed diferently, but then again we all have our own tastes, onece again ZTHis is beautiful, and needs more eyes upon it, so I am carrying it over to my page. thanks for the wonderful write.
much love
| Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't know what's wrong with [censored]-up, but I wouldn’t waste the time listening to some 16 yo brat. This is a terrific piece of work. I can see the development here. You’ve done a terrific job of putting the reader in her place. My only two suggestions are drop the last line (to me it seems redundant), and change ‘She feels cold, not from temperature changes,’ to something less scientific sounding (it’s out of place with the tone of the rest.



| Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  You suck. You suck. You suck. You suck. You suck. You suck. You suck. You suck. You suck. You suck.
| Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by Sethesin | [ Reply to This ]
  Apart from the comment above, the rest say everything. There really is nothing I can add. You are very talented Lorna and you have this knack of hitting the spot. I really am impressed. Oh by the way, this write was near perfection.
| Posted on 2005-11-13 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
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9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
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