The Incoherent Mind by Memphis

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Submission Name: The Incoherent Mind dots

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Author:	Memphis
ASL Info:	21/f/Right Here
Elite Ratio:	5.13 - 130/158/31
Words:	152

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	248
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1030

Description:
I haven't written anything in ages now, and just recently I started rambling on paper again, mostly in the middle of class when I feel bored and don't want to pay attention... I think this all goes along the same train of thought, but maybe not, as always tell me what you think...

I may be adding more to his later

The Incoherent Mind dots

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Deep Space Collision

You and I collided the other day
like comets in empty space
that did not expect the collision
for another million years.
And I must admit it hurt a bit
when our limbs clashed and intertwined.
You took a sharp elbow to the stomach
while somehow managing to bruise
my wrist with your lips.
Our epic elastic collision
would have left matching craters,
if our surface layers hadn't chipped away
completely.

Thoughts on a Paradise Lost

How unfortunate is this love!
How crucial is it to this life?
Never has there been a woman
as brave as she.
Never has there been a man
as blind as he.
The miracle witnessed here
is not that of loving creation,
but that of sinful survival.
And of a pair so lost
They were forced to love.

Submitted on 2005-10-21 12:09:28 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Ok this one makes my brain hurt
(in a good way). On one level I have
absolutely no idea what is going on.
And on another level it seems like not
only do I get it but that I am living it
as it occurs.

Its like I meet this women and sparks fly.
The essence that is me the metal that we
are both made of attracts one to the other.
only our polarities are opposite. But we
impact so hard that energy is exchanged.
and we really do start to understand and
empathize with one another.

Therefore due to circumstances beyond...
our lives become entangled and it seems
the world is worse off for this as are we.

and I have a sneaking suspicion that
this is not the only poem of yours that
is going to affect me in this way.
Oh well I still like this poem even if
I am totally lost.

Dale

| Posted on 2006-12-25 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
  Thoughts on Paradise lost is good. I kinda agree with it in the book it seems as if they are forced. Its kinda funny compared to the original text. But its well done you captured milton's idea.
| Posted on 2005-11-10 00:00:00 | by Sundance | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like deep space collision. That one line is funny
"while somehow managing to bruise
my wrist with your lips."
How lips can bruise wrists. Its very interesting, the way you show how painful it was. I like.
| Posted on 2005-11-03 00:00:00 | by Sundance | [ Reply to This ]
  the first poem is extremely poetic. the second seemed to have a theme.

You and I collided the other day
like comets in empty space

i picture comets colliding in an empty space and nothing around is ruined, because its empty. it's almost as if the collision didn't result in any harm and might as well not existed.

although...as i read the rest of the poem that thought dwindles.

its nice to see you dropped the comet topic somewhere along the line and became literal so as to give the reader a better clue to your idea.

would have left matching craters,
if our surface layers hadn't chipped away
completely.

i would leave out the layers. i love the end line. it's a depressing release...

for me. it's like a point of realization.

i enjoyed the first piece a great deal. the second one i actually found more disconcerting because being forced to love... you are never FORCED to do anything, but you can be convinced of it or so that's my belief. a man so blind by society that he has learned to love her, but it's not genuine love. it's not what he thinks it is. they are just using eachother to get by because they think it's what they need...

the ambiguity of writing. it's cool.
| Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by jesus etc. | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey, this is like a two for one kinda thing! Very interesting in that I have never come across two poems in one but not really cause they are both seperate. The idea is a unique one, at least to me so just for that I say good work! Now, the first poem is really very passionate and I like how you use celestial bodies in describing the two of you. Very nicely done! The second poem is pretty good as well but not nearly as strong as the first one. It leaves me kinda puzzled too as to being forced to love each other. I think it would be better if you said they were left no choice but to settle for each other. That seems more appropriate. I just cant imagine forced love. All in all a good job with this. Take care!

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]

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