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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: We the Fates of Threedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MystMaker
    Elite Ratio:    6.35 - 120/75/24
    Words: 386
    Class/Type: Story/Legend
    Total Views: 1228
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2379



    Description:
       I am inexpreienced with writing so I welcome any commentary that could help me improve. If you think it sucks, don't be afraid to say so, as long as you tell me why and how it can be fixed.

    thanks


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWe the Fates of Threedots
    -------------------------------------------


    “We the Fates of Three
    Call to thee
    Cut the string, cut the string”
    They chimed together, mirth filling their voices.
    “We are the Fates
    We are who we are
    Cut the string long
    And you may just go far”
    Their giggles were cast from their throats, long piercing notes ringing in the ears of all who heard them.

    What poor luck he had. Would no one read the signs? GO BACK!! They said. DANGER!! They cried. But no one seemed to care. The passerby would take no heed. Old rotten wood, they reasoned, probably worthless now. And on they marched.

    Through the thicket.

    Through the wood.

    Into the forest.

    On they would go! On they would walk! Until, they heard the voices. Smooth, caressing voices, like silk. They tickled the ears of the passerby, summoning them closer.

    Sweet,

    melodious,

    irresistible.

    Like a dream they would walk into the cavern. It was so peaceful. Unfortunate fool. He fell into that facsimile dream, that far off fantasy that only heaven could posses.

    “I am your past” one fate would smile.
    “I am your present” another grinned.
    “I am your future” the last would whisper.

    “Now cut the string
    Cut strong and true
    Cut where you please
    It’s up to you!”

    He stood there, motionless at first. Then slowly reaching out, took the golden scissors from Future’s offering hands.

    “Cut it!” they sang together. “Cut it!”
    His hand recoiled, as if he were awakening. But before his thoughts could assemble, before he realized, he heard a snap and then a crack. Two perfectly spun threads of silk fell to the floor. Cool water slithered down his brow. He touched his finger tip to his head, and peered with shocked eyes. It was blood.

    “It seems you have missed
    Poor little soul
    You cut to hard
    You’ve missed your goal

    And now you rest
    It’s your time to go
    For you have made it
    So that it is so”

    He reached up further and felt something hard and cold. The scissors.

    “And this is where
    Our dear, dear friend
    You played with fates
    And faced your end”




    Submitted on 2005-10-21 22:56:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Oh What a wonderful web you weave my dear. The choices we must face in life are of course echoed in this piece. The risk of one's life or livlihood in order to earn success and perhaps enter the Elysian Fields. The first two voices of the fates affect the person's third, but don't determine it In the second stanza the broken down signs could symbolize a disgarding of tradition or social norms.
    After that you give the thicket, the woods, and the forest which could be unneeded repitionion or and intensification of the brush the adventurer enters. However, you could amplify this by using descriptives for darkness and/or hopelessness with every level the subject passes through.
    The depiction of the fates as siren-like enchantresses is a bit convicting. If my mythology is still correct, the fates were ancient, haggard looking women.
    The focus on three is evident and well placed in the piece. I like the Stanza of the cut best, since it gives the impression that what we do to get what we want, increaes the mortality of our humanity and goodwill. Well, I Have to say I did like it. Thank You for Posting.

    Yours Truly,
    Argos
    | Posted on 2006-10-02 00:00:00 | by Aruemos | [ Reply to This ]
      I felt myself transported. You don't know how rare that is. That's very good. You managed to suck the reader in and bind them to the narrative.

    While I was reading I was criticizing. Throught out my read a few things troubled me. The title, the format, the length, the ending.

    The title: Givne the myth it is redundant to say fates of three. I think you can do better than that.

    The format: Work One angle or work the two angles well. Either it is going to be poetic prose or prosiac poetry. The one is rare but well worth the effort the other is dis appointing. I mean to say, the prose poetry elements in this poem will help to keep the size down and make it dense and rich. BUt if your going to work this as a poem than the prosiac elements of the poem are going to drag it down. It's clear I prefer the former than the later.

    The length: I like how you've employed dialogue here, don't think that the (Macbeth flavor of your fates is lost on me) I also lik the skeleton of your plot it works well to draw the reader in. But you need to beef it up to give the text more substance. Right now it is like a strong branch with a few budding leaves. It comes off sparse. Give the foliage it deserves at it will become a wonderous oak.

    The ending: (and a note on the text) the poetic prose works well here because of the mythical nature, rather, nearly sureal element of what your saying, if you played it off as dream like and work the poetry in nicely it will add that much more to the ending. In other words, is it a dream or is it something else.

    | Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
      This is pretty intresting, though it seems to belong more into a poem then into a story. Maybe make it into a ballad? But that's just my crazy idea ^__^;;;
    | Posted on 2005-10-25 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ]
      i don't have mush to say i think it has already said wonderful work keep it up i appreciate good work :-) :) ;) classical good work
    | Posted on 2005-10-22 00:00:00 | by littlepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this one...the story within captures.
    The three greek mytological woman of faith...
    Its especially a good thing that u use the history to form your poem...
    Tumbs up... :-)
    | Posted on 2005-10-22 00:00:00 | by Kwanying | [ Reply to This ]
      I very much liked your Conceit, that is, the three fates of past, present and future.
    I think you remained true to the Conceit throughout the poem.
    I thought you enjoyed writing the poem and your enjoyment was belied by the end.
    I thought you truely enjoyed playing with the fates and didn't want it to end.
    Victor.
    | Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by Torie | [ Reply to This ]


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