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untitled


Author: Poeticprincess
ASL Info:    18/f/Germany
Elite Ratio:    3.3 - 333 /325 /104
Words: 143
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 780
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 958



Description:


okay i wrote this, this moring i don't know where it came from and i can't think of a title so help me out with that...also COMMENT!!!! and tell me what you think....was it bad was it good can it use some work etc. etc.


untitled



Smooth dark skin
five foot three
just 2 1/2 inches
taller than me
hands running up my sides
in between my thighs
stare into my eyes
and tell bullshit lies
Smooth dark skin
five foot three
just 2 1/2 inches
taller than me
a whisper in my ear
almost to LOUD to hear
as he inter me where?
the pain is coming near
Smooth dark skin
five foot three
just 2 1/2 inches
taller than me
all he told were lies
now i wanna die
even wanna cry
but it'll mess up my vibe
Smooth dark skin
five foot three
just 2 1/2 inches
taller than me
why'd you leave me alone
told me .....maybe
it was because it was my first time
and now i'm having your baby..
Smooth dark skin
five foot three
just 2 1/2 inches
taller than me




Submitted on 2005-10-23 10:07:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Like Tekin said its good... but need improvements... try to seperate... We see better your thoughts(personal opinion, take or leave) So ok anyway... continue... and this needs revision, and the title that Tekin left is good... so continue ur work, and maybe one day ull be the greateest!!! lets hope so okay... I'll read ur next poem... and lets hope its a poem, cause letters ETC... aint my style at all... lol
| Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by Wolfeye_666 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, it seems like a rough draft. I'm sorry to say the repitition doesn't help the message at all, and typographical errors abound. As for a title, how about, "What you left behind"? You have a good poem here, it just needs revision.
Tekin Kashami
| Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by Tekin_Kashami | [ Reply to This ]


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