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    dots Submission Name: yes?dots

    Author: sweet sorenity
    ASL Info:    24/f/ Ga
    Elite Ratio:    3.11 - 211/221/58
    Words: 90
    Class/Type: Misc/
    Total Views: 657
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 497

       im a little odd

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    will you spin in circles with me
    like children we can be free
    will you sit with me in the rain
    smoke our cigarettes and speek of our pain
    will you be there at 3 am
    will you be better than all the other men
    will you say it again
    keep it simple nice and plain
    teach me right from wrong
    i will be your pawn
    stay whith me till the crack of dawn
    will you spin in circles whith me
    like children we can learn to be free

    Submitted on 2005-10-23 11:20:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||

    will you be there at 3 am
    will you be better than all the other men
    will you say it again
    keep it simple nice and plain
    teach me right from wrong
    i will be your pawn
    stay whith me till the crack of dawn
    will you spin in circles whith me
    like children we can learn to be free

    I love those nine lines. They are so touching. You are asking someone to be your companion and can they teach you there ways. Lil mama you truly have such an amazing talent. You are also in the class with us and we are in a class by ourselves. I love reading your writting. I will give you a break for now. Take care and continue to keep us all in awe.
    | Posted on 2005-12-27 00:00:00 | by B-Gentle | [ Reply to This ]
      This really is a splendid piece. I have read it through some times now, and just wanted to comment on it.
    The best part in this, is not its simplicity as others have commented, but the driving words: 'will you'.
    They seems given as demands, or set up as a standard for the perfect partner. Then again you have the perfect little line: "i will be your pawn" (it should be 'I') which signals your devotion to another - really powerful.
    I do not know if it is intentional, or just that it is such a common notion, but what this is telling me is that: if 'you' (the poems you, the one to whom you are turning) can live up to all these demands I put out, then I will do anything you want - thereby actually saying, that the partner who will be all that I want, can only ask me my will, therefore I can let him/her call all the shots, because it is me calling the shots through him/her.
    As you setup an utopia of the scene , that implies an opposite - this contrast holds a right and wrong in it self - and therefore you are teaching the right and wrong; which you want someone else to teach you.

    Do you want the poem to send out a message to people to give them selves fully to someone else, and thereby being able to be as children again. If that is the case, you lose the right to demand an answer to the lines ‘will you’. If the demands stands, you cannot give yourself fully, as it would be against the notion of unconditional love – se where I am going.

    This was some thoughts that went through me as I read the poem - and I think the poem as it captures the blessings and traps of any relationship, and our modern thoughts on unconditional love, and its bourn paradoxes.
    | Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
      very nicely written peice here - the simplicity of the words only adds to the complexity of the message -
    short, simple and to the point and thats what i liked most...
    great write
    PEACE and LOVE, greg
    | Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by geherald | [ Reply to This ]
      Liked the metaphor.
    I think that we should acknowledge our mistakes, make the nessary changes and move on. we cant change the past.
    | Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by Bloomsbury Set | [ Reply to This ]
      Its a simple messege here wichi sgood. I like things that dont try and hide there messege in over complicated metaphores and sadistic irony. Ican do that on my own thank you. lol. Well i think you would be good at Emo music. I bet ure into things like The Used or Funeral for a Friend, aint ya! x x x
    | Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by The41stSmibble | [ Reply to This ]
      Powerful metaphor. The simplicity of no punctuation is useful for the immaturity of the message, the desire to go back, to retrace your steps, very good.
    One thing; It's cigarettes.
    .: Tekin Kashami :.
    | Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by Tekin_Kashami | [ Reply to This ]

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