Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Miss Chloe-Sunshinedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Magnolia
    ASL Info:    31/ F
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 402/377/27
    Words: 270
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 346
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1742



    Description:
       ...been away for what seems like forever. Just something light to ease me back in. I just got back from a week-long trip to Florida to visit my brother and his family. My niece Chloe is my muse. I was there at her birth and I suspect that is why we have such a strong bond. I could write volumes for her alone.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMiss Chloe-Sunshinedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Miss Chloe-Sunshine

    sweet as a tangerine--
    behind your ears
    is my favorite kissin' spot.

    we spent the week on the beach
    scrounging for broken sea shells
    and eating sand--
    finding it in places
    the Florida sun don't shine.

    The night we went sailing
    and you squealed with delight--
    the dolphins at the bow,
    your sticky fingers,
    and the tantrum you threw when the
    seagulls took your cheetos.

    Your hair is longer
    than when I saw you last
    and I was so afraid that you
    might not remember me--
    but you ran to me with outstretched arms
    and that impish glint in your eye
    that reassured me you were still
    the little you that loved me so.

    We sang and prayed before bed
    and I turned my head away
    and cried
    when you were punished
    for childish antics
    and telling Daddy, "no"--
    I hate that my brother spanks you.

    We took a walk on the day that I left
    you held me tight around the neck
    and you asked if you could come too.
    I promised you Christmas
    and all the spoilings that only
    Aunt Nae Nae can provide--
    two months seems like forever.

    my visit flew by
    and I was gone
    almost as fast as
    your little footprints
    in the sand.

    but at night
    when I lay in bed and think
    of you so far away
    my naked baby in the sea,
    laughing in the surf,
    our sweet time together,
    you are just as close
    as when I held you in my arms.





    Submitted on 2005-10-23 14:21:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ahhh, what a sweet ride this one is Rene'. It sounds like a storybook you open and read to a child. And it is this that appeals to me, there is not a word she couldn't understand quite easily. It was just the care you gave the write that seems to show.

    and I have a feeling you captured the best parts of the week which totally belonged to her. The last stanza is priceless and I'm sure she is there with you.

    much love,

    Nan

    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I know I've read this before, but don't know why I didn't comment...

    Oh, well, I'll fix that.

    This is a beautifully simple, elegant display of your love for Chloe, and your love for children in general. You have such a big heart, Rene, it just can't help but pour into your writing. You love so deeply and so easily, it's a truly rare trait, one that needs to be employed more often in this world.

    Thank you so much for sharing this. Chloe (and Savannah) are very lucky to have you.

    I hope you are well.

    drowning_queen
    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]
      You know, this is the first time I've ever left a comment twice on the same poem... I think.

    I've come back to this piece several times and I don't know why I didn't fave it right from the start. When something enters your soul like this one has, it deserves recognition, not just another snoop here and there like I have done in the past lol.

    The nostalgia and honest reflection is what draws me to this write over and over again. So what if it's sappy? Better than overblown melodrama or high-flown preaching.

    I like sappy

    So deal with it lol. A fave like I said.
    Yarrr-arrrr-me-matey-arrrr (a pirate impression that I haven't been able to shake today lol).
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      nicely said, well-written. nothing much i can offer in the form of criticism... you brought your relationship with your niece to your audience well. nothing metaphorical or subconcious that i can tell, simple and lyrical but matter-of-fact. the ending... well i don't know how to end it any better, and after all it is simply a statement of how YOU feel so i suppose that it doen't much matter whether i think the ending is a bt sappy. the whole thing is a bit sappy. nothing wrong with that.
    | Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey! Well, my only constructive criticism here is that Cheetos doesn't need to be made posessesive just to make them plural. And there's no H. How have you been. You are one of my dozen or so faves here, sorry I've been pre-occupied. Hope you and the hubby are well.
    | Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very happy and delightful poem. You sound like you have a wonderful relationship with your niece and this sounds like the most wonderful vacation. You capture the time you spent with her forever in this lovely poem and your imagery and descriptions allow me to really see what is happening. I laughed at the part where the seagull stole her cheetos and she had a tantrum haha! I thought that was very amusing and I could see this happening. I dont see anything I would change here. A very enjoyable and well written poem. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I am in such a nostalgic mood after reading this poem that there is no way I can muster something critical or constructive in the ways of literature advice . .. which is perhaps as well since you mentioned something about easing yourself back in .. its good to see some of your writing again .. you have a very warm way with words.

    This poem made me think of my sister, who is my muse and without a doubt the person the closest to my heart. I haven't seen her for almost ten months now, going back in about three weeks.. , and your poem reminded me how much I miss her. Not just how much I miss her but also how I feel that I never have the opportunity to spend enough time with her. I only get to go back to norway for about two months a year. Previous years I have often been preoccupied with working two jobs, seeing friends that I havent seen for al ong time and obigations to go see family members and whatnot .. while the only reason that I am really going back there .. .well maybe not the only reason but the reason above reasons is to see my sister. ..This is why I have decided to soely dedicate all my time to my sister this time around. I was considering staying in new zealand for summer school and maybe finnish my degree a little earlier .. but I honestly can't perceive staying motivated with university without seeing my sister for another year .. I just can't do that. Besides I have a bunch of ideas for my mums aromatherapy business and some tutoring ideas for norwegian high schools that I want to do a bunch of research for .. and work on my poetry project .. but yeah .. I think my point is how essential this rare and in a way sacret this connection is.


    What you capture about this connection, in your last stanza, is the timelessness of it. This is not something that exists in the moment of a frame, or something that decays over time. It is something that is equally strong, although in a different form, the night after .. the next day .. or any random day when the association is touched. Another person in my life that I would say I had this sort of connection with is my great grandmother. The reason I say had ..even though I would like to say have .. because it is something that is still as real and as present to me as it was in her absence when she was alive .. is as you might have guessed by now .. that she is not alive anymore. I guess this is exactly my point. That this timeless , non decaying connection is something that is equally strong even after a physical end point... i think in reflection that this confusion of a loss, with aspects that wont go away and a lack of relfection within endpoints and cyclesis what causes alot of blockage ..fear .. and running into brick wall type behaviour around us ..

    sorry if I am ranting on .. hope my reflections somewhat makes sense ..

    take care ,
    Christian
    | Posted on 2005-11-04 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
      you love so deeply, that it makes me reflect on how afraid i am to put a toe in the water, risk something dangerous and find i won on such a gamble. and here it is much sweeter because i know how much you love children and how children, finding such a lover, can't help but smile and remember you, loving your return, however brief, to their world. this is aching - a happy write, but the melancholy of my own day brings this sharply into darker thoughts of cruel time that changes soft baby feet into feet that will demand high heels and a nose piercing. but nevermind me. when you write like this, completely naked to your audience, uttterly without your emotional cloaks ... that's when i see the genius of the artist-observer who ever quietly taking notes to be made into something beautiful next to a cup of coffee and happy pictures in silver frames at midnight. thanks for this, it's delightful.

    grace
    | Posted on 2005-10-27 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      i'm pleased that you have put something down on paper as it were.
    it was good to see you swing by my page mate, so i guessed that you had burst into print again. at last. it's been a while. don't you think...
    and i trust that you too are well.
    i am.
    thank you.
    this is not a poem in the recognised sense and it shouldn't be marked as such by the teacher - this is more an affirmation that all can be well with the world more or less, given a break and a following wind.
    even though the idyll is punctuated with a smack and you live in the now whilst doing what we all must do to remain sane and that is to live in the in-between-world too, where memories sustain.
    so i have read a diary note and it should have a soggy cheetoh and some broken sea shells cow gummed to the opposite page.
    that is what makes diaries float...
    | Posted on 2005-10-25 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      this is just delightful Rene. i remember reading
    it in your journal. what a sweet child, and the love you two share is so pure. the way you write about her and your feelings is enchanting.
    i'm glad you were able to get healing from such
    a beautiful source. children are precious.
    i loved the reference to finding sand "where the Florida sun don't shine" and about the gulls stealing the cheetos.. precious!

    wonderful to see you back and in fine form,
    ladyfriend.

    peace,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2005-10-24 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      You captured the innocence of a child named Chloe perfectly in this peice. I love the images that you wove here-pictures of a little girl on the beach having a tantrum, swimming naked, eating sand, just being a kid. I fell in love with the child myself here. The words that you used to describe the scenes were fantastic. The only part I didn't like very much was this stanza:
    "We sang and prayed before bed
    and I turned my head away
    and cried
    when you were punished
    for childish antics
    and telling Daddy, "no"-
    I hate that my brother spanks you."

    The reason being that this poem is so light and carefree and the image of Chloe getting a spanking kind of brought it down a bit. But that could just be the nurturing part of me talking there. Overall, this was a great peice. i thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing:)
    | Posted on 2005-10-24 00:00:00 | by Amanda Bee | [ Reply to This ]
      my sweet mags, it's nice to see you back, I definately missed you but enuff of that nonsense-I liked this for what it was-usually I would skip this type but this was a bit different than the norm -hell you are different from the norm not to mention myself---I liked the descriptive tone-she must be adorable and really set your mind at ease. You consider her your trouble chaser don't you?-like when you have a problem you go to her and even though she is very young for some reason the innicence and purity that she has in her rubs off and makes the world and its burdens disapear doesn't she..? anyway nice write and it really is nice to see you back-I hope everything is ok-please let me know-goodbye sweet mags
    lamemansterms
    | Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      Rene', you know I always love your stuff - your words carry a special charm to them that is lacking in most pieces I read. There's just a.... Rene'ism to it that I can usually spot a mile away. I don't know how, there just is. Funny huh? Lol.

    I liked your colloquiallism of 'where the Florida sun don't shine' - it's parts like this that reinforces the uniqueness of your situation more fully.

    This bit -
    'and the tantrum you threw when the
    seagulls took your cheetoh's.'
    - is really funny... but would you consider putting the words 'when the' onto the next line? Just a weird enjambment that's all. Totally picky I know.

    You know I'm gonna start calling you Aunt Nae Nae now lol. That's such a funny name. You seem like you'd make a kickass aunty hahah. Yea.

    'my naked baby in the sea,'
    - this line was about the only one that caught on my lips. Is she still a baby or is she a toddler? I know this is another totally nitpicky bit but yea, I think proper clarification would do this piece a world of good. Maybe it's the word 'naked' - it seems a bit full-on for this piece. Perhaps a substitution... like um.... 'skyclad child'? Ok ok that was lame but you know what I mean. Oh hell, I give up.

    But yea. This was a beautiful piece Rene'. Very much enjoyed and I'm glad you posted it.

    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Very cute and literal, a pleasant rendering of what sounds like a fun vacation.

    There may be, and please don't take this the wrong way, perhaps some hints of inappropriateness, and I'll let that at that.

    Otherwise, great imagery, and you painted the days beautifully,

    cheers!
    | Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.