Children's Dreams by thehappyfaery

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Submission Name: Children's Dreams dots

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Author:	thehappyfaery
ASL Info:	17/f/floating over ga..
Elite Ratio:	8 - 106/46/17
Words:	493

Class/Type:	Random Thoughts/Misc
Total Views:	222
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	957

Description:
uhm..tell me what you think or what could improve or whatever.
-these are random thoughts before i fell asleep
im not too proud of it, so any constructive criticism would be helpful
thanks

(and this is supposed to be centered)

Children's Dreams dots

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the child's dream,
in palm-up emptiness,
holds all innocent, irregulated

charm.

and, taken into sincere minds,
is quietly, gradually

promised.

it is moved by outside forces,
and steadily, amiably

seduced.

the dream lies dormant
in the care taker's heart

forgotten.

and the child's dream,
in palm-up emptiness,
changes to falsehood.

Submitted on 2005-10-23 14:56:37 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  This is an interesting and thought provoking poem you have here. I like the concept of childhood dreams. After all, we all have them. This poem speaks of them and then takes us into a harsh reality of the real world where we live far out of the dreamland we all hoped for as children. Sometimes, even the childs parents can stand in the way of their childrens dreams, thinking they know what is best for their child. This poem has depth and is well written and expressed. I think you have done a good job with this one. Reality is not always an easy thing that's for sure! Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really quite sad
Im not sure but i believe you were basing this on your own experiences
If this is so
Just look deep at those dreams and find what can be done to help you accomplish those dreams that still live on in your heart
God Bless
Your Friend
Ron
| Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the language you used. Like "palm-up emptiness". I get this clear picture of a child holding up his palm and using his imagination to see his dream-and he's perfectly content with it. And then as he grows the emptiness becomes more real and the imagination disappears. And then he's left with nothing in his hand-which is what he had all along.

Maybe I'm over analyzing this but that's what I got from the poem. In terms of structure I feel the poem could use a bit of work, but overal I think it's good. It's simple and yet deep.
| Posted on 2005-10-24 00:00:00 | by Amanda Bee | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice transition from child to teen/young adult. No major complaints here. The structure's a little wierd but it makes more sense the more it's read. Nice random thought, lol.

Sammy
| Posted on 2005-10-24 00:00:00 | by Raven_TheWolf | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice progression of innocence into harsh reality. Very graphic, and well placed language. The thoughts are a bit jumbled, and could afford their own lines for seperation. Great use of repitition (in idea) of 'palm-up emptiness', but I feel it could be stronger with a more poetic stance for descritption.

Cheers!
| Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]

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