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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Your Soul is Like a Symphonydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PastelSky
    ASL Info:    18/F/In the clouds
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 181/223/49
    Words: 143
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 752
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1086



    Description:
       I'm not exactly in love, nor am I out of love. This poem was actually written perhaps a week or two ago, yet I forgot about it. I opened to a certain page in my history notebook in which I wrote this poem, and, inspired, I finished it today. Please tell me your thoughts, interpretations, and anything I can improve on (be it grammatically or even a better way to convey my message).

    I compared love to a symphony, orchestra type thing because of the line, "Your love is like a symphony." I'm not sure if I heard it somewhere before, but I was inspired to write the whole poem because of it. Thank you for stopping by to read :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYour Soul is Like a Symphonydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your soul is like a symphony
    with singing altos and sopranos,
    and the lady of the house
    attuning that fine,
    shrilling Do Re Mi.

    And as I watch you come near,
    I hear your heart beating
    soundly,
    resiliently,
    securely.

    You are the conductor of my heart,
    with your silent presence,
    composing my love for you.

    Your music is my dance;
    a dance I'll practice until--

    The Sky falls down,
          and you will stop singing;

    The trees lose their leaves,
          and you will stop singing;

    The birds no longer fly,
          and you will stop singing;

    --and the opera house slowly turns black.

    That's when, and only when,
    my love will fade...
    but your music will always resound in my ears.

    Your soul is like a symphony;
    until the curtain falls.




    Submitted on 2005-10-24 20:17:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The title of this poem will pull just about any self-respecting poet in to atleast read. I love this poem, it's like, I don't even know. I can't even describe how you took something...I don't know! I think this is the first time a poem ever had me with a loss of words

    Your poem is...I DON'T KNOW!
    Ghost Child
    I'm sorry I could be of more help
    | Posted on 2005-10-25 00:00:00 | by Ghost Child | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem definitely has the potential to become something great, although at the moment, it remains quite cliché and repetetive of ideas that have already been expressed so many times by others in the exact same way.

    I'll start by noting that in your second verse, it should be spelled "resiliently." There's an additional "I" that you missed. That's the only real spelling error that I could spot.

    Contentwise, there's a lot that you can do here. Somehow, you need to take your starting theme - which is definitely something that can be worked with - and expand on it. Right now you're just looking at the image on a completely shallow level and taking the whole thing at face value. There can be so many greater, deeper meanings to the values that music brings. So delve into those feelings, and those emotions.

    And another note on technicalities. You describe the soul to be a like a symphony and then spend the rest of the poem comparing the soul and the emotions to an opera. I don't know if you've studied music at all, or perhaps even play an instrument, but an opera and a symphony are two completely different things! You need to remain consistant. If the soul is like a symphony, then talk about the levels that the symphony brings. If you intend the soul to be like an opera, then you can talk about the levels that an opera brings. Keep in mind that in either situation there are still a lot of emotions that you can bring into the piece.

    In addition to the inconsistancies, you did not write any words that would evoke any images. Considering your choice of topic, you need to find someway to bring some more imagery into this piece. Having imagery will help to reduce how cliché this piece feels and help the flow along to make the whole thing read a little bit better. Yes, it does read OK, but it could read a lot better if there was something to better connect the piece together.

    You've got a decent starting point here, but now you need to take this to the next level, and basically trash this draft to create the rewrite. You can keep the topic, but now take it all to the next level. I hope that you can take this advice to heart, but there is always a choice. Good luck!

    ~Zylle
    | Posted on 2005-10-24 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]
      your poem is okay, although it borders a little on cliché at points. It seems that sometimes poems can't transcend the triteness of talking about souls in love poems.
    Also, you spelled the world resiliently wrong.

    This stanza stands out as being rather flimsy. I think that maybe you could word it in a less Hallmarky sort of way.

    You are the conductor of my heart,
    with your silent presence,
    composing my love for you

    Overall, I'm sorry, but I don;t really like this poem. It doesn't rise up at all, and remains consistently trite.
    | Posted on 2005-10-24 00:00:00 | by Kristen Gudsnuk | [ Reply to This ]


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