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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Whendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: miss__smiles
    ASL Info:    16/f/Soo, Ont
    Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 117/110/20
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/You left me
    Total Views: 806
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 672



    Description:
       I'm really hurt...that about sums it up!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhendots
    -------------------------------------------


    when do I say "enough heart ache"
    when do I say "enough pain"
    When do I put the pieces together
    and build myself up again.

    When do I answer the phone
    When do I say "hello"
    When do I tell you "you can stay"
    Or do I tell you to go?

    When do I put on my make up
    When do I go back to the life I had
    When do I hold myself up
    I'm crumbling inside, I'm sad.

    When do I say "enough heart ache"
    When do I say "enough pain"
    When do I put the pieces together
    When can I be myself again.




    Submitted on 2005-10-25 07:31:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      very interesting and thought-provoking questions.. the depth of such heartache brings
    us to these things.. your last line, "When can I be myself again..." says it all, really.. it is time to move on and find yourself out of this
    relationship.. so much pain it brought.

    i tend to agree with DayDreaMeR.. you could tighten it up a bit..

    When do I say "enoughtheartache,
    enough pain"
    When do I put the pieces together...

    When do I answer the phone
    and say hello...

    just a suggestion. overall though this speaks
    well to trying to move on and find yourself again..

    peace,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2005-11-06 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this piece but I think you could do a lot better structure wise and stuff.

    First off, the use of all those "when's" really takes away a good flow from this. It would probably be better to use them maybe at the first line of each stanza or maybe use it in the first and third lines of the stanzas.

    Heres an example..

    "When do I say "enough heart ache"
    and "enough pain"
    Do I put the pieces together?
    and build myself up again"

    Thats just an example and it takes out all those "when's" that you really don't need. Doing that also gives it more of a flow and rhythm. So yea if you fix this up I think it will be perfect. ttyl.

    Brenna
    | Posted on 2005-11-05 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      I know how you feel trust me, I have been having my times, for sure for sure... I am having some trouble with my b/f, I love him so much, but he insists on stay living at his parents house, I hate it there, I can't figure out what to do, and when I do, will I be able to... I am just confused... I hear ya, you are not alone.
    Vicious
    | Posted on 2005-11-04 00:00:00 | by ViCiOuSWrItEr | [ Reply to This ]
      I see in this 1 particlar peice u went into the traditional style. it's a pretty decent piece and displays simple emotions. in fact its so simple that in full essence u got your point around: you're hurt.
    - that's a compliment

    now its so simple that one can hardly delve into the peice intelectualy, u used somewhat good imagery, but i feel u could put more complex rhyme schemes hen enders all in all i give this 2.5 out of 5
    | Posted on 2005-10-25 00:00:00 | by uncommon_flu | [ Reply to This ]


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