Locking Myself Away by XxStephyxX04

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Submission Name: Locking Myself Away dots

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Author:	XxStephyxX04
ASL Info:	14/f/
Elite Ratio:	5.98 - 772/489/82
Words:	218

Class/Type:	Lyrics/Angry
Total Views:	323
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1450

Description:
I feel like theres a lot to be worked on this. But its pretty self explanitory. As you can tell. If you need any help with it, I will gladly explain.
Hope ya enjoy, comments are good.

Locking Myself Away dots

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Do I have to lock myself
In my bathroom....
To let my tears come drifting down,
Do you hear me screaming
Of all the lonliness you have caused
I feel like I have no where to go
Sometimes I just want to run away

My tears are falling
I'm crying out loud
Sometimes I smother myself
But discontinue because I'm not alright
The wanting to go home
To be with you,
To be with you....

Don't you still understand
The feeling of being alone
I become so numb
I shiver,
the feeling
Just hurts, I wonder if you care
Come back to me
Your the only one that knows,
Now you see me everyday
I'm drowning in my own tears

My tears are falling
I'm crying out loud
sometimes I smother myself
but discontinue because I'm not alright

Following all these rules
I'm tripping over all of them
The constant knowing of failing
and I do,
I'm sick of the RULES
The feeling of letting you down
You will always know!

My tears are falling
I'm crying out loud
Sometimes I smother myself
But discontinue because I'm not alright
The wanting to go home
To be with you,
To be with you....

Submitted on 2005-10-25 16:20:53 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  First I was drawn in by the title alone, which is awesome in it's own rite. I never expected to be able to overly relate, nor did I expect the title to be fairly off topic as it was. I do give you credit for actually mentioning the title in the poem though, some people title so far off of topic that the poem losses interest about 2 lines into it. I'm a fan of the repetative use of the line "to be with you". the repeat makes it stick in my head, and I bet in an hour or two I will think about this again just because of that. I'm enjoying seeing a variation of different writing styles on this site, and I found your page using the random thing.
Good poem to find I daresay
~Rob~
| Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by ThisIsReal | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, this is such a beautiful write. I almost had a tear there in the middle. At first I didn't know what the "rules" thing was about. After thinking about it I realized what at least one rule... look, don't touch. I can relate to this song it isn't even funny. I was actually just thinking about something similar. It's like being alone rips you apart slowly. And they know, but they stand by and watch you suffer. You want them to love you, and you would do anything to make it true. Brilliant, simply brilliant. I would try to give you some critisism, but I just can't think of anything. :P Awsome write! Best of luck to you.

Forever,
Lilithe
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Lilithe_Aislin | [ Reply to This ]
  omgsh! once i read the 3 first letters...i just fell in love with it! and like i'm listening to Shinedown right now..so yeah.. i just imagened it in a song...gsh i just fell in love with it..
i'm gonna add it to my fav
i love it!

kay
| Posted on 2006-01-20 00:00:00 | by Kay | [ Reply to This ]
  Yeah, I'd definately have to add this as a favorite. It's very good, and I'll tell you this much, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I know how you feel. For some reason, my bathroom is like my second shelter, but I spend most of my life in my room. This was a very good poem. I enjoyed it very, very much.
| Posted on 2006-01-18 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
  the whole poem was packed with emotion. i really felt as if i were the person in the poem. there is nothin that i could see that was wrong with the write. and i am thankful that you let all of us have the chance to"gaze into your soul" by showing us this poem.
-brandon
| Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by Leon Kennedy | [ Reply to This ]
  Its was okay I liked it but there was a few typos that you need to correct nothing major at all but I dont think alot of people could relate to this try writing something that everybody can actually relate to but overall good work
| Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by sober_x_smile | [ Reply to This ]
  It's really easy to relate to this, it could be written by anybody though. It's a really simple topic. It's like a Linkin Park song, in some way everyone can relate to it.

All around it was good, some typo's but nothing too major. You should challenge yourself, write about something you normally wouldn't write about. That's what I try to do, if I didn't our pages would be indentical. :P

Sammy
| Posted on 2005-11-24 00:00:00 | by Raven_TheWolf | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Steph,

There's nothing wrong with this. It's really good. You just have some typos but thats about it.

'Do I have to lock myself
In my bathroom....
To let my tears coming drifting down,
Do you hear me screaming
Of all the lonliness you have caused
I feel like I have no where to go
Sometimes I just want to run away'

That was my favorite part. It was really strong. Although i think the last 2 lines could use rewording.

I really felt all the emotion in it. I got a beat in my mind...but yours is probably way better. I like the title too. Really good. Your great at writting. I have to start back up again. *sigh* God only knows when tho lol. Talk to ya later

Mikki
| Posted on 2005-10-26 00:00:00 | by MiKkI25 | [ Reply to This ]
  this would make an awesome song... i wish i could hear it put to music.

these lyrics are great, i love when i can find something that someone wrote that i can totally relate to. like, how i only cry in the bathroom, i'm not sure why i won't let others see my tears or even know that i'm sad... but it's kind of like an evil thing for me.

anyway, back to your piece, it has a nice flow to it but i've got to be honest with you... i really don't like the word 'discontinue' in here. it gets your meaning across but it doesn't seem to fit quite right.

keep it up!

-jess
| Posted on 2005-10-26 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]
  Steph, everything you write is good. Like this helped me today, because I'm not in the best of moods, so thankx for this. But umm.. who are you talking about?
| Posted on 2005-10-26 00:00:00 | by Chicool2 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi! I found your poem to be quite refreshing from the bombastic overly floral stuff I just read. I think you should keep it like it is! Only 2 suggestions: the word discontinue seems to be a little cumbersome and out of place. And also, loneliness is spelled wrong in the first stanza. But other than that, I really enjoyed your poem!
| Posted on 2005-10-25 00:00:00 | by Kristen Gudsnuk | [ Reply to This ]
  I didnt think you wrote a bad poem as a matter of fact I thought it was quite good
You were easily able to let out your feelings and emotions in a positive write
I dont know the whole story so I cant guess why you cant go home
Just remember Home is where the heart is

Be Positive

Very Good Write
Take Care
Ron

If you get a chance please take a look at my poetry and let me know what you think

Thank You
| Posted on 2005-10-25 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  this wasnt bad, you really got your feeling across fairly well, but I will point out a few things I saw that could be better.
But before I start, im not trying to be mean, I promise

'Do I have to lock myself
In my bathroom....
To let my tears coming drifting down,
Do you hear me screaming
Of all the lonliness you have caused
I feel like I have no where to go
Sometimes I just want to run away'

this was good except I would put , sometimes I just want to run away forever, or something of the sort. Maybe reword it. The last line just seemed to stop of the flow.

'My tears are falling
I'm crying out loud
Sometimes I smother myself
But discontinue because I'm not alright
The wanting to go home
To be with you,
To be with you....'

the 4th line, do you feel the need for the word discontinue? If so, then thats fine. But mabye find another word with the same meaning that would fit into that line better.
Other then that, I really like this part. The emotions are very real.

'Don't you still understand
The feeling of being alone
I become so numb
I shiver,
the feeling
Just hurts, I wonder if you care
Come back to me
Your the only one that knows,
Now you see me everyday
I'm drowning in my own tears'

this part has alot of good stuff in it. I would just take out the next to last line... it seems to hold no purpose.

'Following all these rules
I'm tripping over all of them
The constant knowing of failing
and I do,
I'm sick of the RULES
The feeling of letting you down
You will always know! '

I would just change, I'm tripping over all of them to I'm tripping over them all.
Other then that, I love this part.
I hate the feeling of all the rules, you never can do it right, its like you where set up to fail.
Your really brought that out.

Other then those few things I pointed out, which you dont even have to listen to just another persons opinion, I really enjoyed this poem!
I think that the feelings where very raw but very real.
Hope I helped atleast a little bit, take care & keep writting
~jennifer
| Posted on 2005-10-25 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
  While the topic and idea of this song have been used and used again, I rather enjoyed the way you described the idea of love and lost love. Of your feelings of torment and loneliness and solitude.
It made the reader feel the sadness and aggression in it. You portrayed it beautifully. And I’d love to be able to hear this sung; it would probably be just that much more powerful.

My favorite bit was--
"Don't you still understand
The feeling of being alone
I become so numb
I shiver,
the feeling
Just hurts, I wonder if you care
Come back to me
Your the only one that knows,
Now you see me everyday
I'm drowning in my own tears"

It was a very powerful section.
The line breaks and rhyme push it all the harder in as well.
Very great write- keep it up.
~Ana.
| Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by Ana_Mad | [ Reply to This ]

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