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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ponderingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Maskannai
    ASL Info:    25/Female/Utah
    Elite Ratio:    4.91 - 171/158/67
    Words: 176
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 215
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1148



    Description:
       Something I wrote for a friend when she was missing someone special to her..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPonderingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Watching from across a crowded room
    that seems empty next to her.
    I only want to reach out and touch
    her strawberry locks,
    to feel their natural spring.
    Thoughts of caressing her soft velvety skin,
    examining every perfect pore
    sends shivers down my spine.
    I want to know her more intimately
    than she can possibly guess,
    but the thought of her knowing seems
    both scary and exciting.
    She smiles across at me
    her eyes wrinkling into a smile of their own
    and I feel the butterflies in my stomach
    do back-flips and flip-flops.
    She smooths her hand down her loose
    white-ribbed tank
    and stops at her bare midriff,
    and I feel myself growing warm all over
    at the mere sight of her,
    a sight that stirs in me
    every holy and unholy thought
    that I can create.
    I take a breath to slow my heart
    and try to concentrate on the subject at hand,
    but I find my thoughts blurring
    till there is nothing left but her,
    and I find myself pondering over
    her smiling eyes.




    Submitted on 2005-10-25 16:58:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think the poem is simple almost to the point of being too much so. For its purpose as a gift to a friend, it was well served. But if you want to work with it, I would suggest taking the idea and adding to it. Don't tell us, show us. The best example of this in your piece is:

    She smooths her hand down her loose
    white-ribbed tank
    and stops at her bare midriff,
    and I feel myself growing warm all over
    at the mere sight of her,
    a sight that stirs in me
    every holy and unholy thought
    that I can create.

    I can "see" this. And mixing the image with the voice of the speaker makes for a good transition. Also try to avoid clichés that often occur in these kinds of poems ("sends shivers down my spine," "butterflies in my stomach
    do back-flips and flip-flops"). Take an original look at an idea that is so often discussed. Hope you like the advice.

    ~themime
    | Posted on 2005-10-25 00:00:00 | by themime | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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