Joy Ride Of Guilt by PolaroidMemory

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Submission Name: Joy Ride Of Guilt dots

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Author:	PolaroidMemory
ASL Info:	18/F/IN
Elite Ratio:	2.93 - 99/93/28
Words:	125

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	225
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	805

Description:
I wrote this after watching a movie about drunk drivers. I don't like to drink and I don't like to be around people drinking.

Joy Ride Of Guilt dots

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Peel back the blankets,
Get out of bed.
Why do I have
This ringing in my head?
Is it from the party?
And how drunk I got?
Turn on the water,
Get in the tub.
I never should have gone
Out to that club.
Recall the moments,
Remember the past.
How many more
After that first glass?
I sat by myself
Watching them dance.
What did I do
To lose that one chance?
I watched them leave
And get in their car.
I followed them for miles.
Not sure how far.
He got out
And gave her a kiss.
It wasn't supposed to be
Quite like this.
I sped up.
He jumped out the way.
I backed up.
He won't see the light of day.

Submitted on 2005-10-25 17:04:57 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Ok, the passive feelign ti gives, as the narrator moves and the words seem almost unconnected to movements, and the hint at the suicide was really a nice touch. my only critique?

see if you can find mroe details. so he kissed her, but what of it.

in saying

"It was only a peck on the cheek"

Or "she left the slightest red on his lips"

to me, giving it more of a detailed descriptino adds something. that is all i can tell you. my examples aren't good, please pardon them.

as for the peic ein general though, quite nice indeed. the breifness of the ending especially sets this peice apart to me.

well done.
| Posted on 2005-10-26 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]
  this piece is great..the rhyme gives it a feel of childrens poem yet it retains it character and tells the story of a murder. man it gives me an eerie feeling. nicely written , it feels as if it was waiting to be told!
| Posted on 2005-10-26 00:00:00 | by jassal | [ Reply to This ]
  great write very deep and meaningful i dont like drinking much either partly coz i can't drink myself as of illness but i think that this poem has somthing missing but i can't put my finger on it really great rhyming scheme and choice of words
keep writing
izzi xx
| Posted on 2005-10-25 00:00:00 | by fallen_angel384 | [ Reply to This ]
  Very interesting. I too don't enjoy drinking, the smell of alchohol gives me a headache. And drunk people are pretty annoying as well. Your poem was well written, with a good message. Though I think you could give it a bit more depth. Anyway, good job, keep it up.

{Kate}
| Posted on 2005-10-25 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]

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