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    dots Submission Name: The fat kid with the Hershey..dots

    Author: Tekin_Kashami
    ASL Info:    18/male/Houston, Texas
    Elite Ratio:    4.39 - 131/77/23
    Words: 215
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 936
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1448

       It's called, "The fat kid with the Hershey Bar"

    Image from "Youthfitness.com"

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe fat kid with the Hershey..dots

    The grand river rapids fell
    Across the boy’s great girth
    Far below his weight (in pounds)
    One must place his worth
    He’s just turned four years old
    But he learned the lesson long ago;
    “Chocolate is a dish best served very, very cold”
    “Yum! Yum!” He yelled with joy
    Sugar smeared on his face
    “Look at that. Poor little boy,
    “We can’t blame him for his waist.”
    “We can sue McDonalds!”
    “But all the angles are used…”
    “What if it was him Jackson fondled?”
    “We could claim he was abused.”
    “And forced to eat pure grease!”
    “But how could we explain
    that he asked for another piece?”
    The lawyers sat down, in disdain
    And began their terrible thoughts.
    Their energy was spent,
    while they smoked their pot.
    One stood and yelled “The rent!”
    And another’s eyebrow raised.
    “We simply call for tons of welfare!
    “Oh! And child support his mother wasn’t paid!”
    They wrote their litigation with tender love and care
    This was their lives’ ambition!
    To sue, to speak, to connive
    with booze, the legal tradition,
    it was that for which they strived.
    Soon Judge Joe saw the great boy
    And held in a deep chuckle,
    “Three point five million for this cheap ploy?
    You guys sure are bare-knuckled.”

    Submitted on 2005-10-27 04:56:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      LOL. This was [censored] hillarious...only sad thing is that there are ppl who make a living thinking of this [censored] in reality. This was pretty good though I can't find much of anything to complain with except maybe too many spoken parts and quotes but that's only being nit-picky...it's really good all together.
    | Posted on 2005-12-28 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      *laughs* i love this! it's actually kind of sad when you think about it though... people DO sit around and do stuff like this.
    your rhyme scheme is awesome and i really like the imagery. keep up the writing, you're doing a great job

    | Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]
      You are so very talented, but I think I have told you that.
    A very drawing title, to be followed by a very intresting write.You have so many views and strong opinions, I admire you for that.
    This again was done to the perfection I have come to expect from you, so keep it up.
    I want to let you know I will be thinking of your Grandmother, she is lucky to have you.

    | Posted on 2005-10-29 00:00:00 | by Forgiven | [ Reply to This ]
      Very humerous Tekin
    You brought a smile to my face

    It is a statement of our culture perfectly
    Great Job

    Keep In Touch
    | Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      lol, nice. Really says something about the American culture today. Hear about the lady that tried to sue oreos for making her fat?
    "Their energy was spent,
    while they smoked their pot"
    Lmao, that one really made me laugh. Reminded me of the lawyers I know who do that (not saying they all do) thanks for the laugh
    | Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by MorbidAngel114 | [ Reply to This ]
      A groovy piece that really did say something about our culture. Tight and succinct, I enjoyed it;)

    I think the only line that really stood out negatively was
    "Their energy was spent,
    while they smoked their pot"

    Not so much for it's content, but... I never heard of a basis for commonality with lawyers smoking pot. It's a funny idea, but distracting. However, I do like the idea for an individual poem based on that act.

    Your last line falls a little flat. It's vague in it's meaning, and an extremely forced off-rhyme. There are plenty of better ways to tie this puppy up.

    It deserves a steadfast approach, keeping tone and voice, situation and plausibility in mind. And really take a look at your near rhymes...

    Great job!

    | Posted on 2005-10-27 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
      Haha! This is a really cute poem. I had this image of a round little fat boy in my head with chocolate smeared all over his face.I cant say I blame him though because I love chocolate. Hershey chocolate is my ultimate favorite chocolate and my greatest weakness. Fortunately, I dont have a weight problem or I would probably look like the little fat kid! haha! It is a shame, however, that the parents dont raise these children better so they learn proper eating habits. When a child is young and fat, the parents are to blame. Not Mcdonalds or candy or any other excuse. Ultimately the parents are responsible for what and how much their child eats. But anyway, this poem put a smile on my face and for that I thank you! Good job! Take care!

    | Posted on 2005-10-27 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      lol. Did you really like that? It sounds like something out of a Roald Dahl book. I must admit the flow did have a few bumps in it, and maybe if you'd spaced it out more it would have been better for the reader. Otherwise it was quite a good piece. Humourous.
    | Posted on 2005-10-27 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]

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