Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Clouded by Dreamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 820
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 732



    Description:
       This isn't based on anything happening in my life.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsClouded by Dreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You return my love
    as if it were a library book
    that you're done with
    and didn't particularly enjoy.
    So, if it's a chore to love me,
    why love me at all?
    Quit me like you quit
    using soap that makes you itch.
    Forget me like you forgot
    that dog that died when you were six.
    Replace me with some tart
    that turns your eyes from mine
    when we walk down the street,
    but don't pine for me later
    like some film you fell asleep
    watching at three am
    that'll only disappoint you
    when your mind isn't
    clouded with dreams
    like the dreams of us
    that clouded my heart.




    Submitted on 2005-10-27 19:42:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Nice to see you post again Amy.

    I agree with what Magnicat said with the opening lines...what a perfect way to open something like this.

    Now This was a rather sad peice I will say but in it's own way it had irony in it.
    Can't really explain it but it's there weather it was intended or not.

    ~shawn
    | Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by armand | [ Reply to This ]
      Well done! It was very sad and emotional, and I know that feeling very well of loving someone you know really doesn't feel the same. Poetry wise, there's not much to say, the entire thing fit together greatly.
    | Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by miss__smiles | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the opening lines of this

    you return my love
    as if it were a library book
    that you're done with
    and didn't particulary enjoy

    geez, when love becomes a chore, what is it?
    your images are stark and spot on.. like you are
    all alone in this dream, clouding your heart
    with questions and wonderings about, is this
    really real? more trouble than love i would say.

    thought-provoking, to say the least.

    much love,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2005-10-30 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Amy,

    Wow! This one hits home!

    Very well done.

    Awesome images and simile!

    you return my love
    as if it were a library book
    that you're done with
    and didn't particularly enjoy

    These are truly classic lines.

    Thank you for sharing this one. It lands very near home for me.

    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2005-10-29 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the edgey quality of this one Amy, the last two lines intrigue me because of the juxtaposition of "mind " and "heart".

    when your mind isn't
    clouded with dreams
    like the dreams of us
    that clouded my heart

    I like this play on words and its meaning is worthy of a debate. Relationships are worthy of debate, inside and outside of them it goes on. I'm for making love as another option and solid caring one on one.

    Thanks for sharing, it's like a rant with rhythm..

    Hugs and love,
    Nan
    | Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm so happy to see you posting! :) This is a real treat. I love the flow of this piece. I can just imagine a woman telling her ex lover off like in a grocery store or somewhere really public...and totally humiliating him for the way he "returned her love". :) I like how you said "why love me at all?" Because it's true...some people know they are going to break your heart but they continue to lead you on anyway...and that hurts. Great job hun. I really enjoyed this... *HUGS* Take care.

    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the bitter acidic tone to this write. Pull no punches and just let it all go. I especially liked the beginning of this poem, comparing you to a library book brought back. Seems as though the clouds cleared leaving one with the truth. Very good.
    Carol
    | Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is creepy - I'm not actually a fan of love/hate poems. But, this is quite good.

    "that you're done with
    and didn't particularly enjoy"

    Perhaps it's a female thing, but jeez that sounds like it hurts.
    It's always a great sign when a poem makes you wince.
    It's like films that make you cry: always the most fondly remembered.
    Anyhow, it was good.
    | Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by writhe | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow
    Agreat tale of love unreturned
    A tragically beautiful write

    The imagery was very good and I also like IMZ liked your use of the libary book
    Great Job
    Ron


    If you get a chance please take a look at my poetry and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This was real good and I see great things in your future! Keep up the great work and I hope to see much more!
    If you get a chance come read some of my stuff and tell me what you think ok?
    | Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      Ooooh! This is really good! I like the way you tell this person exactly how you feel. I respect someone who speaks their mind so clearly and concise. No bullsh it kinda attitude and that is cool. Even though the description says it is not about your life, I cant help but think that someone helped inspire this in you. It is a sad poem despite all its character and spunk. It is well written and expressed. I couldnt help but smile as I read this, even though it is sad, it is very bold! I like the reference to the library book in the beginning of this poem. In fact, I like all the references you have used to compare to. Great job with this! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Aww .. i like this. It's so cute, yet sad..
    very well put together also, i love the use of words and imagery of clouding your heart and everything.
    The only question is, why? Why are you asking this guy to forget you?
    | Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by Lova_Star | [ Reply to This ]
      omg, this is sad. sniff sniff. you write good poems even though you said it wasn't based on anything happening in your life at the moment. i actually thought that you were going through some tough times from a bad break up. i loved how you used actual objects to decribe how you felt.

    suzi
    | Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by sushi wok | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    79034

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The World written by jjd
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    prison written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Cover written by saartha
    Records I written by Raphael
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Love written by saartha
    Carry written by saartha
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Dream written by closetpoet

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry