Clarity in Crimson by zhi wei

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Submission Name: Clarity in Crimson dots

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Author:	zhi wei
ASL Info:	17, Male, Malaysia.
Elite Ratio:	6.14 - 171/203/53
Words:	161

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	292
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1156

Description:
tell me what you think.

Clarity in Crimson dots

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Blood, ruefully resting;
Its owner out of reach,
in a roomful of silence,
sighing a salient speech.

’tis derived from deliberation,
Similar to any other spoken syllable.
Yet differing, for the latter lacks attention
In contrast to sight
when coloured crimson.

For what did become of her voice,
That which sincerely sought solace?
Only to be given a gesture of dismissal.
Hushed away,
much like unwelcome noise.

O, that faded voice, pining to placate!
Confused by breath or bereaving it.
Then, the invariable indifference
Seduces sanity, like a sleepy serenade
And the choice is – unconsciously ours – made.

Now all of her that is left behind
Are mere moments of the past tense.
Stories that exist only in the mind;
Fairy tales
But without happy endings, intertwined.

And in a roomful of silence,
her blood, ruefully resting;
sighs its salient speech:

“If only we had listened.
If only we had listened.”

Submitted on 2005-10-28 09:46:44 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  lol to what ToxicRose said. We have so many words in our language for a reason, to use them! And some words just seem to sum up everything, even if not everyone knows what they mean. And if they don't, they should look them up! It doesn't hurt to expand your vocabulary. I think your word choice was amazing, and I enjoyed the rhyme scheme and Shakespearian style.

If you don't mind, I know you are asking for overall assessments, but I think changing a few things could improve the flow:

this stanza:
"Now all of her that is left behind
Are mere moments of the past tense.
Stories that exist only in the mind;
Fairy tales
But without happy endings, intertwined."

I would change it to:
"Now all of her that is left behind
Are moments of the past.
Stories in our minds;
And fairy tales
without the happy endings, intertwined."

and the first stanza I think should be "room full" not "roomful."

By the way, fourth stanza, amazing.

I like the idea of her blood in this room, displaced from the body of its owner sends a powerful message and has a "voice" of its own.

Nice write.

Peace,
Astarael
| Posted on 2005-11-06 00:00:00 | by Astarael | [ Reply to This ]
  Ah, alliteration. Like it. Shakespearean poetry. Love it. But a poem where I feel as if I have to look a word up in a dictionary every other second? D e s p i s e i t. Maybe you DO have a humongus vocabulary, but most of us don't, and it just confuses the reader. I don't have much time to comment, though.. I'll just tell you that I belive from reading this single poem that you are a great, advanced writer.

Write on.

-T o x i c R o s e
| Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]
  i like this one it is so sad and truthful at the same time, i wish that sometimes people could see the little signs that would have told you that the person you cared for was not doing so well, but anyway, one this i see is that the person before me said that you have great format and the rhyming helped your poem to flow, well you know what i have to say to that blah blah blah just remember that not all of the poems you wirte or that i write have to flow, or have a perfect structure, ok i'm better now back to your poem there are a few stanzas that i really like and they are

"Blood, ruefully resting;
Its owner out of reach,
in a roomful of silence,
sighing a salient speech."

I like this one because when i read it i saw in my head like someone sitting in a big room dead quite with no one else in there and them just talking.

and the other one i really like is

"Now all of her that is left behind
Are mere moments of the past tense.
Stories that exist only in the mind;
Fairy tales
But without happy endings, intertwined"

i just like this one because it shows that once someone does do that, all the things that didn't seem wrong before stick out in your mind and you feel like [censored].

~liz~
| Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ]
  this is a sad piece.
Though one that I think conveys feelings very well.
You really did a good job of writting this. The form was perfect for the poem & your rhyming was well done so that the poem flowed.

It is sad to think that a killing could have been prevented if they had only listened.
If the parents read the signs & cared. If the people around them had noticed & seen.
Its something that happens alot, a person that is so lost in life they feel their only release is to die. To kill themselves.
Again, it could be prevented, yet isnt.

the end was perfect for the poem, yet very sad.
Its hard to think of a girl lying in her room surrounded by blood.
Again, you did a good job on this. You really made me feel what you were writting.
~jennifer
| Posted on 2005-10-28 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]

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