who am i?
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Description:
Been away for a while...just now slowly coming off of a really bad writers block so i'm not sure if this will make sense to anyone but me...let me know, thanks
who am i?
You skin has turned almost as blue as my eyes Stop holding out, take another breath You sought to choke it all out you It seems you’ve got the equation wrong Because you didn’t break like you said I see the pain reflected in our eyes Who am I to tell you that you’re wrong? To try and restrain you with my tears Demanding that your heart keep beating Cut yourself with the remnants of your soul You’d still be bleeding but nothing’s left You said goodnight and got in the tub Tucked yourself in with your razor blade That’s all great, but where’s my teddy bear And the night lights gone out just like your life Who am I to tell you that you’re wrong? Begging you for the warmth of your flesh Capturing your soul inside these words |
Submitted on 2005-10-28 20:22:45 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| OK, First pick is the title. I agree with the commentor before me. I went by this write atleast five times before I decided to give it a read. This has to be about a parent I think. I only guessed that because of the teddy bear. Maybe I am wrong. "Your skin has turned almost as blue as my eyes" This almost killed the read from the get go. May be something like this "Your skin as blue my eyes" Just a suggestion Overall a nice write. Just needs a little work. Keep them coming Respect and Admiration Wisdom Seeker | Posted on 2005-10-30 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ] | First of all, you made the most not original title ever! I didn't want to review the poem just because of the so uninteresting title. Anyway, I had to, just to tell you what I thought. When it comes to the poem itself, I thought it was very emotional, but a few sentences just didn't seem to belong, like it was a mix-up and sentences that had gotten lost appeared in the poem; "Tucked yourself in with your razor blade | That’s all great, but where’s my teddy bear" where does; "That’s all great, but where’s my teddy bear" fit in? And "You skins turned almost as blue as my eyes" one cant make sentences like that, I mean there is something wrong here, an option could be: "Your skin has turned almost as blue as my eyes" because I'm guessing that is what you're trying to say. I liked the poem a lot, the teddy bear thing makes one think of who discovered this person who'd killed him or her- self, really. It seemed like the person didn’t care anymore which was confusing, but it was original, on the contrary of your title. But I got to tell you, that I don't see the connection between the title and the poem itself. Anyway, oddly enough I enjoyed it because I was intrigued and amused. Good luck further on, Ablast. | Posted on 2005-10-29 00:00:00 | by ablast | [ Reply to This ] | |
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