Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: who am i?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: morte
    ASL Info:    17/female/earth
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 430/348/55
    Words: 146
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 640
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 883



    Description:
       Been away for a while...just now slowly coming off of a really bad writers block so i'm not sure if this will make sense to anyone but me...let me know, thanks


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswho am i?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    You skin has turned almost as blue as my eyes
    Stop holding out, take another breath
    You sought to choke it all out you
    It seems you’ve got the equation wrong
    Because you didn’t break like you said
    I see the pain reflected in our eyes

    Who am I to tell you that you’re wrong?
    To try and restrain you with my tears
    Demanding that your heart keep beating

    Cut yourself with the remnants of your soul
    You’d still be bleeding but nothing’s left
    You said goodnight and got in the tub
    Tucked yourself in with your razor blade
    That’s all great, but where’s my teddy bear
    And the night lights gone out just like your life

    Who am I to tell you that you’re wrong?
    Begging you for the warmth of your flesh
    Capturing your soul inside these words




    Submitted on 2005-10-28 20:22:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      OK, First pick is the title.
    I agree with the commentor before me.
    I went by this write atleast five times before I decided to give it a read.

    This has to be about a parent I think.
    I only guessed that because of the teddy bear.
    Maybe I am wrong.

    "Your skin has turned almost as blue as my eyes"
    This almost killed the read from the get go.

    May be something like this "Your skin as blue my eyes" Just a suggestion

    Overall a nice write. Just needs a little work.

    Keep them coming

    Respect and Admiration

    Wisdom Seeker
    | Posted on 2005-10-30 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all, you made the most not original title ever! I didn't want to review the poem just because of the so uninteresting title. Anyway, I had to, just to tell you what I thought. When it comes to the poem itself, I thought it was very emotional, but a few sentences just didn't seem to belong, like it was a mix-up and sentences that had gotten lost appeared in the poem; "Tucked yourself in with your razor blade
    That’s all great, but where’s my teddy bear" where does; "That’s all great, but where’s my teddy bear" fit in?
    And "You skins turned almost as blue as my eyes" one cant make sentences like that, I mean there is something wrong here, an option could be: "Your skin has turned almost as blue as my eyes" because I'm guessing that is what you're trying to say.
    I liked the poem a lot, the teddy bear thing makes one think of who discovered this person who'd killed him or her- self, really. It seemed like the person didn’t care anymore which was confusing, but it was original, on the contrary of your title. But I got to tell you, that I don't see the connection between the title and the poem itself. Anyway, oddly enough I enjoyed it because I was intrigued and amused.
    Good luck further on, Ablast.
    | Posted on 2005-10-29 00:00:00 | by ablast | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    79136

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    The World written by jjd
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Shi written by ShyOne
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    untitled written by ShyOne
    prison written by ShyOne
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Carry written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry