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who am i?

Author: morte
ASL Info:    17/female/earth
Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 430 /348 /55
Words: 146
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1124
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 899


Been away for a while...just now slowly coming off of a really bad writers block so i'm not sure if this will make sense to anyone but me...let me know, thanks

who am i?

You skin has turned almost as blue as my eyes
Stop holding out, take another breath
You sought to choke it all out you
It seems you’ve got the equation wrong
Because you didn’t break like you said
I see the pain reflected in our eyes

Who am I to tell you that you’re wrong?
To try and restrain you with my tears
Demanding that your heart keep beating

Cut yourself with the remnants of your soul
You’d still be bleeding but nothing’s left
You said goodnight and got in the tub
Tucked yourself in with your razor blade
That’s all great, but where’s my teddy bear
And the night lights gone out just like your life

Who am I to tell you that you’re wrong?
Begging you for the warmth of your flesh
Capturing your soul inside these words

Submitted on 2005-10-28 20:22:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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5: Wow!


  OK, First pick is the title.
I agree with the commentor before me.
I went by this write atleast five times before I decided to give it a read.

This has to be about a parent I think.
I only guessed that because of the teddy bear.
Maybe I am wrong.

"Your skin has turned almost as blue as my eyes"
This almost killed the read from the get go.

May be something like this "Your skin as blue my eyes" Just a suggestion

Overall a nice write. Just needs a little work.

Keep them coming

Respect and Admiration

Wisdom Seeker
| Posted on 2005-10-30 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
  First of all, you made the most not original title ever! I didn't want to review the poem just because of the so uninteresting title. Anyway, I had to, just to tell you what I thought. When it comes to the poem itself, I thought it was very emotional, but a few sentences just didn't seem to belong, like it was a mix-up and sentences that had gotten lost appeared in the poem; "Tucked yourself in with your razor blade
That’s all great, but where’s my teddy bear" where does; "That’s all great, but where’s my teddy bear" fit in?
And "You skins turned almost as blue as my eyes" one cant make sentences like that, I mean there is something wrong here, an option could be: "Your skin has turned almost as blue as my eyes" because I'm guessing that is what you're trying to say.
I liked the poem a lot, the teddy bear thing makes one think of who discovered this person who'd killed him or her- self, really. It seemed like the person didn’t care anymore which was confusing, but it was original, on the contrary of your title. But I got to tell you, that I don't see the connection between the title and the poem itself. Anyway, oddly enough I enjoyed it because I was intrigued and amused.
Good luck further on, Ablast.
| Posted on 2005-10-29 00:00:00 | by ablast | [ Reply to This ]

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