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    dots Submission Name: who am i?dots

    Author: morte
    ASL Info:    17/female/earth
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 430/348/55
    Words: 146
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 696
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 883

       Been away for a while...just now slowly coming off of a really bad writers block so i'm not sure if this will make sense to anyone but me...let me know, thanks

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswho am i?dots

    You skin has turned almost as blue as my eyes
    Stop holding out, take another breath
    You sought to choke it all out you
    It seems you’ve got the equation wrong
    Because you didn’t break like you said
    I see the pain reflected in our eyes

    Who am I to tell you that you’re wrong?
    To try and restrain you with my tears
    Demanding that your heart keep beating

    Cut yourself with the remnants of your soul
    You’d still be bleeding but nothing’s left
    You said goodnight and got in the tub
    Tucked yourself in with your razor blade
    That’s all great, but where’s my teddy bear
    And the night lights gone out just like your life

    Who am I to tell you that you’re wrong?
    Begging you for the warmth of your flesh
    Capturing your soul inside these words

    Submitted on 2005-10-28 20:22:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      OK, First pick is the title.
    I agree with the commentor before me.
    I went by this write atleast five times before I decided to give it a read.

    This has to be about a parent I think.
    I only guessed that because of the teddy bear.
    Maybe I am wrong.

    "Your skin has turned almost as blue as my eyes"
    This almost killed the read from the get go.

    May be something like this "Your skin as blue my eyes" Just a suggestion

    Overall a nice write. Just needs a little work.

    Keep them coming

    Respect and Admiration

    Wisdom Seeker
    | Posted on 2005-10-30 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all, you made the most not original title ever! I didn't want to review the poem just because of the so uninteresting title. Anyway, I had to, just to tell you what I thought. When it comes to the poem itself, I thought it was very emotional, but a few sentences just didn't seem to belong, like it was a mix-up and sentences that had gotten lost appeared in the poem; "Tucked yourself in with your razor blade
    That’s all great, but where’s my teddy bear" where does; "That’s all great, but where’s my teddy bear" fit in?
    And "You skins turned almost as blue as my eyes" one cant make sentences like that, I mean there is something wrong here, an option could be: "Your skin has turned almost as blue as my eyes" because I'm guessing that is what you're trying to say.
    I liked the poem a lot, the teddy bear thing makes one think of who discovered this person who'd killed him or her- self, really. It seemed like the person didn’t care anymore which was confusing, but it was original, on the contrary of your title. But I got to tell you, that I don't see the connection between the title and the poem itself. Anyway, oddly enough I enjoyed it because I was intrigued and amused.
    Good luck further on, Ablast.
    | Posted on 2005-10-29 00:00:00 | by ablast | [ Reply to This ]

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