Description: well i'm going to try and expand and better explain what i have already written. My original i have already added so that you do not need to look back. i thought i made it clear in my poem to what happened. i guess not. this is very unusual for me to expand more on my poems. i do not feel so proud of this poem as i did with my original. i wrote it the day that the incident happened and i don't know if i can write it with the same feelings that i felt that day. tell me if you think this is an improvement or not. and does it better explain?
hurting- part 2 -------------------------------------------
I am hurt.
What you did hurt me.
But I do not cry.
I saw someone in you that I did not know.
Is this the real you?
I hope not.
I am hurt.
What you did hurt me.
This I cannot deny.
The look on your face when you turned from me,
Is the scar that I bear in my mind.
And in my heart.
I am hurt.
What you did hurt me.
Why did you pretend not to know me?
You knew this would kill me.
So why did you do it?
Is it because you hate me so?
I am hurt.
What you did hurt me.
I know you know who I am.
Don't you deny it.
We talk at night.
Don’t you remember?
I am hurt.
What you did hurt me.
We have classes together.
We worked in projects you and I.
Am I just invisible to you?
Do you even remember my name?
I am hurt.
What you did hurt me.
As I looked into your eyes, I saw nothing.
Nothing to say that you knew me.
And so now I cry, but not in your presence.
But why? You can’t even see me.
I am hurt.
What you did hurt me.
You saw my pain.
You saw my tears.
You saw my love.
And so you came and called out my name.
I was hurt.
What you did doesn’t hurt me anymore.
We talked it through, you and I.
You never meant what you did.
You said your apologies.
And I forgive you.
I was hurt.
What you did doesn’t hurt me anymore.
You do remember or night time chats.
The time spent working together.
“I am your friend” you said to me.
And that’s the end.
I liked this You are telling us your readers that with positive thoughts and thinking out the situation one will come to a solid and true conclusion I really liked this Keep writing as it helps heal Take Care Ron
And Thank You for your recent comments I very much appreciate them You yourself are a very strong writer I like reading your writes Take Care Ron
As a man of wisdom, let me share my words with you as you did with me.
One shouldn't alter themselve on the behalf of someone else's conflicting opinion. Your poetry makes you who you are. You poetry is you! So for you to change it because someone does feel your piece takes away from the true meaning and power of the piece. I actually like your original better because I sensed more heart into it.
Remember everyone is your audience, but not everyone is your listener!
I have a few thoughts on this one...and i read the original... which i think is fine itself...My first thought...be true to you... if you were happy with the first dont change it for other people...writing is personal...and although a reader may critique...some pieces will never mean the same to others as it does ourselves or those involved... people need to have been through similar or be in a similar place to really relate to a piece and at times as i stated it may never mean the same to others...take what you can from comments but try not to take them personally...realising that poetry is very much subject to individual taste...(i wrote the same things to my sis-babytinkerbelle) i liked both versions of this...the first being short and to the point...and having a very different feel without the elaboration... having said that i find this has more depth in a way..but perhaps that is because it gives me a lot more insight into the scenario and where the piece is coming from... nonetheless the first is very good on its own...
one thing im not fond of in either is the repetitveness...i find it is too much particularly in the longer version... but then that is something im not fond of in general...it seems to work in a few pieces but again perhaps it is exactly the way you want it and thats fine too...i think that it re-iterates the main message well and gets across a very important point...however i think it becomes too much here...but thats just my thoughts :)...keep writing and i hope that your friendship continues to grow ...it sounds as though this person is very important to you... :)
Submission Name: hurting- part 2
