Open Door (rev) by punn

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Submission Name: Open Door (rev) dots

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Author:	punn
Elite Ratio:	3.79 - 26/36/12
Words:	157

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	201
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1020

Description:
honest opinion.

Open Door (rev) dots

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Black and red
with long dark brown hair
that took only a moment to view.

Eyes that sparkled
above lips that spoke without parting…
do you approve?

Nervous anticipation
she was trying to move
from full attention.

A moment perceptible
as intermediate
between past and future.

Her past,
my past…
our future.

Our innocents reborn within each other.

Come here, let me touch you.
It seemed like one step maybe more.
I’m not sure the door had closed.
My world was moving toward me.
My hand was stopped on her skin.
My commitment and love was not.

How do I love thee?
I never counted the ways.
How long have I loved thee?
In the existence of all my lives.
How far do I love thee?
Beyond where infinite becomes finite
and time hasn’t reached

Submitted on 2005-10-29 07:51:45 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
This is a lovely write. I would have classified this differently...I see this as a prose of love. This speaks of sharing a special moment with someone you love very much. I like the descriptive qualities you have written here. Allows the reader to imagine what you are writing about. And the ending is very romantic. I like how you have expressed your depth of feelings for this person. Very nice. Welcome to Elite!

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-10-29 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
I love the deepness of this and the pace, there is an intense lyrical beauty. Especailly in the lines:

Black and red with long dark brown hair that took only a moment to view.

Eyes that sparkled above lips that spoke without parting… do you approve?

Nervous anticipation she was trying to move from full attention.

A moment perceptible as intermediate between past and future.

Beyond where infinite becomes finite and time hasn’t reached

May I ask is this a prose-poem or haiburn. I think a different collocation might aid the poem if not, maybe:

Black and red
with long dark brown hair
that took only a moment to view.

Eyes that sparkled
above lips that spoke without parting…
do you approve?

Nervous anticipation
she was trying to move
from full attention.

A moment perceptible
as intermediate
between past and future.

Her past,
my past…
our future.

Our innocents reborn within each other.

Come here, let me touch you.

It seemed like one step maybe more.

I’m not sure the door had closed.

My world was moving toward me.

My hand was stopped on her skin.

My commitment and love was not.

How do I love thee?

I never counted thee ways.

How long have I loved the?

In the existence of all my lives.

How far do I love thee?

Beyond where infinite
becomes finite and time hasn’t reached

a good write, well done.
| Posted on 2005-10-29 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]

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