Pitter-Patter by smartblond

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Submission Name: Pitter-Patter dots

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Author:	smartblond
ASL Info:	13/F/IL
Elite Ratio:	4.07 - 95/101/26
Words:	95

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	263
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	632

Description:
Spur of the moment
Be critical

Pitter-Patter dots

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Rumble Bang the sky grows dark
left is not a single spark
the clouds move in
The storm's signal to begin
Flash Crash lightning streaks fly
As they travel across the sky
Faster then the human eye
Now is when the heavens brawl
Pitter-patter the rain starts to fall
Down upon the earth below
Across the ground it must now flow
Cleansing the earth of it's troubles
As the water gently bubbles
problems rinse down the drain
With all our worries and all our pain
Pitter-patter pitter-patter
As the rain falls down

Submitted on 2005-10-29 16:48:41 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Strong sensitive language about what everybody can feel...I love it!
| Posted on 2008-02-13 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
  i liked this write. i love rain and i loved how you described it as washing worries and troubles away. i think that the whole scene you painted with your words is beautiful and you get a four.

-brandon
| Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by Leon Kennedy | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a great poem to read. I absolutely love the rain and this poem describes it so well.
I could really picture it happening.

Nicole
| Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by PiperH | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked this
As You know I also have a deep rooted Love of the rain
This write described the rains beauty very well
I agree with Epiphany a little though
I do think shorter quicker lines would stress the beauty of the rain a little more
I am not criticizing this write at all As I believe you definately captured the rains beauty
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  oo! I LIKE!
though when i read the title i was thinking along the lines of "little feet" so the rain was a nice surprise ;)
the imagery is good
the flow feels a bit rushed...but only 'cuz there's not much to make a person pause in effective places
the only other thing that felt off to me was the line:
Smash a tree bites the dust

it dint quite seem to fit the rest of the poem

other than that...it's GREAT
you know...its amazing how many wish the rain could just wash all our problems away
but...if wishes were horses beggars would ride!
anyhu...
keep writtin'
~CJ~
| Posted on 2005-11-13 00:00:00 | by lastdragon | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought it was fine as it was - if it aint broke - then don't fix it ! This was not broken - it was very descriptive and very good.
| Posted on 2005-11-03 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
  I like your wording and I think it would work really well if you separated the words more - without using punctuation. Prose is free but it could be more easily read, i:

Rumble Bang ~
sky grows dark
clouds move in
Flash Crash lightning
streaks across the sky ~
Smash!
a tree becomes dust
Pitter-patter the rain falls
Down
O
W
N
upon the earth below ' ' ' ' ' ' ' '
As it falls
it cleanses
the earth of its troubles
Its worries are washed away
Our problems wash down the drain
Pitter-patter pitter-patter
As the rain falls down

Just an example of shorter line placement.
I love nature pieces and you seem to like them too! Great!
Love,Peace,Joy! tif
| Posted on 2005-11-03 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  nice write...the flow was nice and the imagry was overall easy to grasp. I"d have to say there is only one thing that might make this better...try using commas and other puntuation. good write in all.
Keep writing.
Peace
~silent_death12
| Posted on 2005-10-30 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
  Boy wouldn't it be nice if a rain storm could really wash away all the problems here in our world... I liked the flow and the image your words gave to your poem... Thank you for sharing.. Desi
| Posted on 2005-10-29 00:00:00 | by Desi | [ Reply to This ]
  Very nice work. Since you siad be critical, I will endulge you. lol. I flet your ryme was very goos until you got to the last 4 lines Actually I liked the last two lines as is. But the two above them could use a little twaeking. As for the flow, you were off a bit, but that was because you have a habit I do, add more words then needed to a sentence. I'm accused of this more times then I care to count. lol. Other then that, you did a great job with this poem. It was my pleasure to review your work. I look forward to reading more in the near future.

Catrina
| Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]

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